Writings by LG

2012-01-29T08:31:00.002-05:00

Another blog I read that can help us gain some PEACE of MIND

Lots of ideas and worries on my mind upcoming but rest assured is what I say to myself because 95% of worrying is truly just all false and things will happen.

2012-01-24T09:36:00.003-05:00

Happy Chinese New Year

Here are some Chinese proverbs for the New Year!!

One kind word can warm three winter months.

A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step.

Keep a green tree alive in your heart and a songbird may come to sing there.

You cannot prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head, but you can prevent them from building nests in your hair.

If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still.

The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials.

Better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness.

Tell me, I’ll forget. Show me, I may remember. But involve me, and I’ll understand

Read more: http://blog.beliefnet.com/inspirationreport/#ixzz1kO3DDuo1

Courage Does Not Always Roar - Video - Beliefnet.com

2011-10-27T08:41:00.000-04:00

Courage Does Not Always Roar - Video - Beliefnet.com

In a nutshell, I guess this poem could very well be my mantra with all the very difficult things I have had to get thru not with what I'm dealing with just in recent years but decade-long ago stuff. And here I still stand plugging away day by day.

2011-10-21T21:53:00.002-04:00

I have been off this blog for a time, eh? The cancer situation is really carrying on. I mentioned in a blog back in March and April that it would be "over soon" I had no idea what we were in for back then!!! It wasn't until May or June that the Dr mentioned how it would take a Stem-cell/Bone Marrow Transplant to really BANG it OUT!!!! And possibly forever! The summer months were no doubt a very Harrowing time because of the uncertainty of what each day brought. I was involved with working full time, taking care of paperwork that had me in a very anxious vibe, a huge MOVE to the new place that just fell into my lap all at the same time. I was incredibly overwhelmed beyond I could ever imagine! At the same time I was dealing with a daughter who suffered from head lice, weekend after weekend it was a hair-fest of no less than 9hours mulling and nit picking, and that was if I had the workday off, if I was working it was insanity!!! Headlice is nothing I'd ever wish on anyone, the laundry involved, the careful investigation of each and every part of the head..and the girl has enough hair for 3 other people I've been told...even more SPECIAL! I tried home remedies to stop the lice, it did for a bit but I swear her whole school class had it and went untreated while infecting my daughter day and week after week. I was burnt out and that was an understatement! I was an angry mess thru most of that time but not too many people saw that part of me, however everyone knew I had ALOT going on! Yup, I did! I would never suggest anyone to move while someone is terminally ill and in the middle of treatment, however it was a temporary situation for a longterm/lifelong journey! I tried to put a smile on and just get thru the day and stay strong for the family.
So after 5-6weeks of my man being away in the hospital that was over an hour away just ONE WAY, it was incredible that I survived that too! My mother in Law staying in with me at the house to help me with housekeeping, cooking dinner while I was at work and helping Mertz get to either his football practice and one time, to his game that was an hour's drive. That was too easy in a couple of sentances, but living with her! Any daughter-in-law who lives any amount of time with her husband's mom and not actually throw her out, is a queen! I have had the thought because she has a very unusual personality that sways and swings one way or another. One day she's as cool as winter, and then in the next breath, she is barking and squabbling about some minute issue! Her idea of what to get VERY Mad at is not the same as what reason I should get VErY Mad at. Spilled soda. I don't get Angry, just in a hurry to pick it up with...Dog Doo Doo on the rug, I only get very MAD if nobody took the dog out, but if we happen to be gone on a visit for 9hours than nope it isn't the dog's fault. She gets VERY MAD at the craziest things that make me question is she alright upstairs??! I wonder if she is demented or becoming demented. She acts like I never said anything about something that I tried to present what bothers me that she doesn't do, etc. I never saw such an annoying person in her before. Even to the point where even my kids don't want to be around her as much. They just don't like her awful nagging about trivial things. Pretty bad that their only Grandmother is such a pain! So I'm venting because not only am I going thru an experience with my husband that I've never before had to bear, I am also dealing with the changes and dynamics of my home and house. I barely have had much time to be alone with just my family I believe she's been here more than we've been here alone as a family since we've been here. I am sure I'm not the same daughter-in-law that she thought I was. I am pretty laid back and the kids know what is allowed and not allowed and she still has a reason to pick at my kids over things they may do or say that she finds to be offensive. This is my home, please don't push your ever annoying "righteous" crap in. And the killer "Logan having cancer is a blessing...." F- are you kidding me?!! Getting cancer is NOT A BLESSING! Damn anyone who thinks it! Or the other dumb idea that "you got this illness because you did something very bad and that you must be punished! God is testing you!" Another load of BS that some people believe wholeheartedly and it is VERY WRONG to even think such an idea! First God has no control of our lives! FACT. If you sit idle in a car and you wait for GOD to get that car going, you are sadly mistaken. The only one that gets anything for you is you, not GOD, Not Jesus, NOt the Devil. God isn't going to send you anything, a person will. God doesn't teach you anything, you teach yourself and learn for yourself. When I was young I used to believe that God would send me a mate. Nope, that doesn't nor did it happen. I was at the right time actively seeking a mate. And I took the steps to ensure the deal went forth, not God, ME! I'm tired of hearing of how some people say "I'm waiting for God" to do such and such...I used to believe that God would be who I wanted HIM to be, and sadly, I found out that it isn't what I grew up thinking it was! But because of my search, I have found what God is! Wow I am getting off the subject here...I just cannot have the rhetoric my MIL speaks of or the hypocrisy of it all, just stop complaining of things in your religion or get out like I did. I really didn't want to hear from her that "cancer was a blessing" that just sends my skin to unravel all over! Nope it has been what it has been! A LONG ROAD of life INTERRUPTED! The "organs" are no longer playing music, it is quiet, it is lonely, it is not the kind of place I'd ever think I'd stand. Wanting to play the music and going solo is ok but not as exciting as playing the duet! The instruments collect dust and put on the shelf for a time until such a time is possible. Different music for a different time and all the while the music has been even wonderful but has had its atonal moments. The appeggios have been the best of times!

21 Motivational Quotes on Strength - Beliefnet.com

2011-09-05T21:33:00.001-04:00

21 Motivational Quotes on Strength - Beliefnet.com

***Leah Note***
I honestly needed TO READ this around now. The road I've been met with since December of last year has literally driven me to a very dark and lonely place.

2011-07-18T21:07:00.001-04:00

My Anniversary is coming up and I stumbled upon this ever so beautiful poem:
Blessing For Marriage
by James Dillet Freeman

May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance and understanding.

May you always need one another—not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness.

A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less, but more; so let it be with you and you.

May you need one another, but not out of weakness.

May you want one another, but not out of lack.

May you entice one another, but not compel one another.

May you succeed in all important ways with one another,
and not fail in the little graces.

May you look for things to praise, often say “I love you!”
and take no notice of small faults.

If you have quarrels that push you apart,
may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.

May you enter into mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence—No more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side,

And warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distance cities.
May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy.

May you have love, and may you find it loving one another!

Thank you, God, for Your presence here with us and Your blessing on this marriage.
Amen.

2011-06-22T00:20:00.002-04:00

Hey all this is a picture I took one morning of myself, I can't believe how much I look like someone out of the 40-60's era! I tweaked the soft edges with my edit program, I like it a whole lot!

I just love a good picture! I am no queen, princess or anything like that--pretty down to earth, really with a sense of humor that belongs in the bathroom believe it or not. I still get all silly when I hear the 'sound of ducks', but it actually is a fart...I enjoy people making fun of our everyday embarrassments, usually its funny because its dreadfully true! Laughing at what we may think only happens to us, is something we all experience.

2011-06-02T20:29:00.002-04:00

I was on an Instant Message chat with an old friend who is old enough to be my parent, he is a professor at KSC where Logan went to college and met; now our great friend! We all have a great friendship so much so that we asked him and his wife to be the godparents of our kiddos. I had a dream of him and his wife and just for the heck of it,
told him of my dream that seemed like a happy event, someone having a baby...
Normally he's all about saying ferrociously funny things that at times I think he is a complete dork, but when I began telling him of my dream and he went so serious on me. He wanted to know how I got the information and who I had been talking to, but I explained I just went to bed one night and woke with such a dream. He hinted to me that I was "on the right track" but how did I know. He said to me, "You don't know what you're talking about", and "you have no idea what you're saying" and I replied, "I have NO IDEA" and if it was true, nobody has told me a thing, not Logan, not my friend's wife, nobody! He told me and hinted at I was truly onto something but said it would have to be written privately. I wondered if he was kidding me and sometimes he has a few too many drinks and could have lost all real meaning to me in my conversation with him...
This morning he replied, in fact, and embarrassed, his step daughter, a minor, had indeed gotten pregnant, got very sick and bleeding badly and had a miscarriage just a few days ago, which is about the same time I actually had the dream!!!!!
He was really freaked out and now that I know this, I am astonished as well! We don't live close by, I've not seen him or his wife in about a year, but we stay in touch.
He couldn't believe my timing for one, and my dream being the content and of some nature close to what actually happened.
I tried to tell him I have dreams at times that happen and turn into reality. Though, I can't wake up and say, "yup that's going to be real", life just happens and it reveals itself at a later time. Recently I dreamed of myself being in England and it felt so real. Talked to our English friends and they said one evening they were singing "my song". "My song" is putting my first name to a funny jingle and it happened about the same night I went to bed and dreamed it. I don't know how, I'm not studying anything, just feel connected to my state of being more than ever. Call it a talent, but I call it a phenomenon in what sleep is making me aware of real or not. Now if only I could predict the powerball numbers!!

2011-05-17T13:32:00.002-04:00

So my dad, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands etc. working on losing weight as in the "Biggest Loser" weight loss program, but are doing it all on our own pace. In a fast moving world we live in we are communicating by email on ourselves and our lives. I like it, getting us talking in one form or another. At times I feel as though the notion of, "you're fat because you are stupid, lazy, uneducated, etc" is being put out there, and I don't know if the authors realize, that, that is essentially what is being said between the lines. I agree that some people are truly fat because they are as said above, but I honestly feel, in this family, we know deep within ourselves what is good for us but for whatever the reason, if one, we choose otherwise.
I lack the recipies to incorporate good foods into my meals, when I go shopping I buy what I know on the top of my head, is what it boils down to. I know what I know about cooking because it was learned/ingrained at an early age, and lots of healthy foods were not purchased because of a short shelf life and the high costs! Lack of science that we know now about certain foods. Even these Wine, Coffee, Tea which was taught, because of a belief, not to even press your lips to these "awful" things, but as I've grown researched myself, science is debunking such claims of people who say, that what they say is "law", regardless. BAH!! to me those are some lies which is why I couldn't be fooled by those that claim to be something they are not! But who am I? Oh yah, a fatty!

2011-04-14T09:46:00.002-04:00

The last week is here, Logan is getting the last treatment and will be cured of the disease, how cool is that!? There are two operations left to go about a month from now that rids him from all that remains of the disease. There will be some new adjustments I can be sure of, but I'm not going to let it get in our way. Our journey has been very intense and I don't wish anyone to have to walk in my shoes the way things drummed up. I as fortunate to have a few family members who had my back for all it was worth. Some very dedicated relatives that I was able to rely on helped me in the little things, but to me, little was HUGE! We have had prayers vocied among several different religious denominations during their service in our behalf from those who know us and those who know of us, so grateful of that also. The social network of friends have held me up "virtually" and gave ther kind notes of love, and good energy! Love it! And if I didn't hear from you that's just fine I know we all have busy lives. The visits to Chemo have been like a full time job, in at 8am and there till 4or5pm! We are almost through it, I can't wait for this to get behind us, really! My work has been supporting me the best as they can. I have been on some variable hours and sometimes on call and working on the weekends I should be off, but I work in the people business, it's what I do! So I will update again as things start to close out. You take care of yourself too!

2011-03-09T19:46:00.002-05:00

In the past few months I've been dealing with a whole ton of issues. Many of them quite personal. I'm seriously drained of it all! Automotive breakdowns, child meltdowns, husband's diagnosis of cancer, the list goes on! Work has assured me I won't lose my job over the medical issues of Logan. They gave me a wreching time one night I had to call out and it made me furious!! My boss pulled through for me and actually worked in my place. That had never happened before! As of late, the cancer thing is almost completely behind us and it has been a fight that has changed our lives undoubtedly. I've been depressed but coming out of it, going to the gym, making some goals to get my hunting license, reconnecting with some activities that I have not done in years, namely skiing, next winter. So I'm making some changes and sticking to it. I would love to lose the weight I've gained since having my kids and getting to a happy me! I have been overall happy but I do fall into a demeanor of loneliness and certain sadness and eventually gets everyone else around me down and that's not healthy.
Finding peace in each new moment, meditating, attempting to keep it all together, being aware of my shortcomings and seeking guidance from the Higher Being!

2010-11-09T11:46:00.002-05:00

I've been working, what the hell else is new?? But being at work has opened some friendships for me. Normally I'm not making friends at work since I hang out with 90-yr olds, though I have been making some great friendships with them it is not the same when they aren't able to get out of the house with me and just go do whatever, though I know that they would if they were physically able, etc. But the story is becoming friends with relatives of those I care for and other people who come around, the nurses or other caregivers. Logan and I made a friend with a football parent who has been helping out with rides for the practices since my job has not allowed me the time off to go myself. All in a matter of just a month and a half I've developed some great friendships and have even done a "girls night out" something I've been wanting for and needing! I love being around people who I can relate to. One friend, I couldn't believe it, told Logan she had been mormon before, all because a joke Logan made about Mormons! So we laughed to find out that we had an old belief in common. It just made our friendship that more enjoying cause we don't like to admit we were once among the cult; however when you know someone else who has been there and left it too, it a laughing good time!
A group of gals got together for a night out, one older than I, never been married or had kids, the other has a kid and not currently married but has a boyfriend. We get along so well and we have some great connection with each other, nothing like I've ever had before! I never found adult mormon women to be any fun so making friends was unlikely. I threw that life away long ago and am coming to a new life of friends.

2010-09-29T20:10:00.003-04:00

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST and now SEPTEMBER.... Where has the time gotten to??? I've taken no real vacations (weeklong) and I just put in for time off and my boss denied it!? Oh the nerve!! I really am burnt out, I have had enough with my crappy schedule all over the board waking up at 8am and not done until 8pm and traveling up to 5 clients a day.... I guess I signed up for this but whatever happened to a family life? Weekends? Things are getting seriously dysfunctional in my house! Not only do I work all the crazy hours but I'm found/left with a messy house. CLEANING is nobody's favorite past time, and I can't stand the mess when I get home. A home is a place to relax? HA!
The loser nephew is now gone. He became a real dissappointment for us all! He did a lot of "talking" but no action. Finally, after coaching him in to what he should do for the very last serious time, it was him who failed to see he was not ready for MANHOOD as much as he thought he was. Our purpose was to get him to stop sucking from his mom's tit and grow up and become a MAN. At 20 years old and no job, no furthering education, nothing can be accomplished on the path, as nobody has done in his life, we supported these things and pushed him toward these things. Instead he decided that fooling around with some young female was his best alternative and he left our house for good, and I'm 99% sure he stole from my daughter of a favorite electronic device that has since disappeared! HMMMMMm! He owes us any supposed rent money for all the months he spent with us since June...well, I'll never see it, and I don't plan to see him again for the dishonesty and the immaturity he displayed time and time again. When will boys stop living in their mom's basements and think video games and freeloading is the way to go? Well, after all the years I've known his mom, I thought she was a hot ticket, great parent, but as we are slowly-or quickly finding out, it was all just a fake-out with the way her boys have turned out-both of them have taken us and other family members for a sick awakening...they are not the nice boys we all thought they were!

2010-06-16T21:17:00.002-04:00

I've been off the writing block for a while. My internet use has gone to minimal, but not so much by choice, nevermind about that. I've been working a lot less because of my client passing away. She was my workload all 40/hrs a week. Now I'm working what seems like a lot but it's not...going from house to house a few hours here and there but it's yet to do it for me. So I'm slowly working my way into the day shift and away from second shift. I may even work some overnights as I recently attended a Home Health and Hospice inservice training on what is a vigil on the night of the death of persons... Its really not an event I'd like to dwell on, but as birth and marriage and all other life happenings, this one is also a big event that, for many, don't want to be near or talk about. My mom was my very first and since then, its been many in my life at work. I've seen it all and I continue to revisit that sacred moment in people's lives where they go on their next journey. I used to be so afraid of death as a kid, even having real bad panic attacks over it, thinking about it, that makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing working along it? I've definitely come to face my fears whatever they were at age 7-? when I stopped panicking/wondering about it. I am so comfortable about it in my own mind that when it comes it will be my time, just as all other things happen. Is this creeping you out? I don't really care if it is or not, to many I say, get over it! We come into this world with nothing and we leave this world with nothing. That's the physical part of it. The emotional part is left for those who are left behind. I just lost my mom 13 or so years ago, and I'm okay with that. I get sad, but I am always remembering her for who she was, not what killed her or the crappy circumstances that made the end hard. I lost many folks who I've met and grew close to, and each one of them I remember their names and their faces and the things they taught me. Some taught me joy, even in their last months where pain was taking over them and the meds couldn't calm them, some told me "never to get old" well, I just don't know how I'd avoid that, but I'll keep trying... some taught me to be more less worried about the little things and enjoy what I can do, especially at my age, and the list goes on. I really love the lessons on life and philosophy the wise and old have.

2010-05-19T15:48:00.002-04:00

I'm trying to get off facebook for good, just as I'm getting reacquainted with relatives, there was some wisdom pre-facebooking in "laying low", not that I haven't enjoyed the experience, but the politics behind it and the privacy acts are getting another look. Nothing can be fun anymore without BIG BROTHER looking into every detail. I'm not paranoid, just angry that freedoms aren't like they used to be. Enough said there.

2010-05-14T00:50:00.004-04:00

The song "I Remember" by Deadmau5 is what I'm listening to, if you don't have a "playlist.com" account you should check it out! I heard this song on Comcast music channel and I was taken in by the trance-like music. HOT HOT HOT!
Sooooo I was outside waiting for Logan to get home so he could get me to get my NEW car! We found something that was affordable, good on gas and nothing needs attention. While I was waiting outside with the kids the LDS boys came around in their suits and nametags. The kids warned me in a whisper that they were coming toward us. This is not the first time the "boys" have come around since I've officially left the church. Only this time it was just myself, usually Logan has been the one out when they confront him. I stood there looking the other way wondering if someone since has put a tag on our address as they sometimes do to state something like, "don't go back or try to convert"....well, I was standing away from the house and then one pipes up, "Hi, we're servants of the Lord, Jesus" I couldn't help but interrupt to save his speech, "I know who you are b/c I was a Mormon, born, raised, etc." Well they were interested in hearing my 'story' of the why's and hows on my leaving and I refused to 'share'. For one, its something you'd have to have a lot of time to discuss, I was on my way to getting my new car and then get to work on time. Of course, they don't have a clue to any of this even when I was in my full scrubs, as if they saw right thru that. And does a Mo-boy REALLY want to hear my 'story'? NO! "If you pray with sincerity God will show you-" I retorted back responding quickly, "OH He's showed me the truth!!!" They just want to love-bomb me back with their beliefs. They kept prodding of what I found or what I lacked in knowing before.... Nope. Hey, if you REALLY WANT TO KNOW, question the hard QUESTIONS. I DID. I WANTED TO GET THE ANSWERS THAT THE LEADERS SHY FROM TIME AND TIME AGAIN! And let's just say, I was at the end of my rope with the religion standing on "faith without works is dead" like they are a business with a quota to fill and nobody gets paid, in fact you have to pay them for your work! HOw DoES THAt MAkE @ny sense?? I was at the end of doing service, service, service and it was never enough, do more more more, in the meantime, my home, my relationships elsewhere were suffering, my work, my sleep was depleting. Visiting Teaching on a many morning where I was supposed to be catching up on sleep, the guilt trips put on in meetings and more meetings. ALL FOR WHAT???? I loved God and it seemed that even the 'human' in me was saying His 'Holy' leaders were making me miserable! Was I right? Were THEY actually wrong? My body, my mind was unable to feel balanced no matter how hard I tried. I cried. I felt like my life was being attacked at all levels. I've been married to an extraordinary man who after many years on his own track with it all had been studing on his own trying to live the lie. We had some good yelling matches, again, my life was sucking! God would have me be happy and I wasn't. I finally realized I'd been duped in believing in Joe Smith and his cronies and his bad ideas that have nothing to do with the Bible (and not his reworded version to suit his needs) Joe was a bad man in all my research, he slept with and married other married men's wives---that's like Tiger Woods--but worse, Joe even married a slew of them and the facts are even in that genealogy site==30+ wives. Emma was just the first. He couldn't keep his pee pee zipped up, what a damn shame! I thought he was a fantastic guy way back when. But the truth is all over the internet and I am not some crazy, I am a deep-rooted kind of person, loves Truth of all things, and I'm not stepping off or away from what I know as of 2008 but began wondering back in 2001. Took years of my life to get it set straight-All the questions set straight in my life. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs and I finally chose to walk away from what I consider out of my code of living. And you may think of me what you think, but I didn't run away quickly, it was methodical, it was slow and in my eyes the right thing to do for me and my personal happiness. I love my life now and God is a different God to me, even Jesus is a different Jesus to me. Curios as those 'boys in suits' were, they were in the neighborhood for some time all evening, the kids said.
I also used to hate it when I was a Mormon when people on the 'outside' (that's me now--I'm one of THEM) would call Mormons members of a CULT. Well in hindsight, YES. Here's DR. ROBERT J. LIFTON'S CRITERIA FOR THOUGHT REFORM a brief summary

1. MILIEU CONTROL the most basic feature is the control of human communication within and environment if the control is extremely intense, it becomes internalized control -- an attempt to manage an individual's inner communication control over all a person sees, hears, reads, writes (information control)

2. MYSTICAL MANIPULATION (Planned spontaneity) extensive personal manipulation seeks to promote specific patterns of behavior and emotion in such a way that it appears to have arisen spontaneously from within the environment, while it actually has been orchestrated totalist leaders claim to be agents chosen by God, history, or some supernatural force, to carry out the mystical imperative the "principles" (God-centered or otherwise) can be put forcibly and claimed exclusively, so that the cult and its beliefs become the only true path to salvation (or enlightenment)...

3. THE DEMAND FOR PURITY the world becomes sharply divided into the pure and the impure, the absolutely good (the group/ideology) and the absolutely evil (everything outside the group) one must continually change or conform to the group "norm" tendencies towards guilt and shame are used as emotional levers for the group's controlling and manipulative influences once a person has experienced the totalist polarization of good/evil (black/white thinking), he has great difficulty in regaining a more balanced inner sensitivity to the complexities of human morality the radical separation of pure/impure is both within the environment (the group) and the individual ties in with the process of confession -- one must confess when one is not conforming

4. CONFESSION cultic confession is carried beyond its ordinary religious, legal and therapeutic expressions to the point of becoming a cult in itself sessions in which one confesses to one's sin are accompanied by patterns of criticism and self-criticism, generally transpiring within small groups with an active and dynamic thrust toward personal change is an act of symbolic self-surrender makes it virtually impossible to attain a reasonable balance between worth and humility...

5. SACRED SCIENCE the totalist milieu maintains an aura of sacredness around its basic doctrine or ideology, holding it as an ultimate moral vision for the ordering of human existence questioning or criticizing those basic assumptions is prohibited a reverence is demanded for the ideology/doctrine, the originators of the ideology/doctrine, the present bearers of the ideology/doctrine offers considerable security to young people because it greatly simplifies the world and answers a contemporary need to combine a sacred set of dogmatic principles with a claim to a science embodying the truth about human behavior and human psychology

6. LOADING THE LANGUAGE the language of the totalist environment is characterized by the thought-terminating cliche (thought-stoppers) repetitiously centered on all-encompassing jargon "the language of non-thought" words are given new meanings -- the outside world does not use the words or phrases in the same way -- it becomes a "group" word or phrase

7. DOCTRINE OVER PERSON every issue in one's life can be reduced to a single set of principles that have an inner coherence to the point that one can claim the experience of truth and feel it the pattern of doctrine over person occurs when there is a conflict between what one feels oneself experiencing and what the doctrine or ideology says one should experience if one questions the beliefs of the group or the leaders of the group, one is made to feel that there is something inherently wrong with them to even question -- it is always "turned around" on them and the questioner/criticizer is questioned rather than the questions answered directly...

8. DISPENSING OF EXISTENCE since the group has an absolute or totalist vision of truth, those who are not in the group are bound up in evil, are not enlightened, are not saved, and do not have the right to exist "being verses nothingness" impediments to legitimate being must be pushed away or destroyed one outside the group may always receive their right of existence by joining the group fear manipulation -- if one leaves this group, one leaves God or loses their transformation, for something bad will happen to them the group is the "elite", outsiders are "of the world", "evil", "unenlightened", etc.

Are you thinking????
Here's a video that I can relate to and another video that I couldn't agree more with

2010-04-06T11:02:00.003-04:00

I recently found out that our laptop is going to have to be rebooted, wipe the slate clean of all the goodies we had and maybe I'll get lucky that we can sweep off some of our pictures and files with a jump drive before getting everything clean again...I will have to get in the habit of defragmenting files. Don't really know if that's how it got so bad, 4 sectors(?) are saying they are bad on the hard drive according to my friend. All I know is it is sad that I can't post pictures like I want to when I want to.
This weekend was Summer weather in NH! We went to Al and Kim's house to have a nice cookout, though Logan left our sausages on the grill too long...talking too much with Al, and burnt the outer part of the sausage, who likes burnt sausage? We ate it anyway and the steak Al cooked was very yummy, even the kids were asking for seconds and thirds. I had some really good Mike's Hard Apple Cider drinks, I had some Rum that ooohh was soooo smooth. Initially I had bought the rum for a dessert cake I was going to make for Easter, but instead I decided to drink it and have some fun. I found my limit as I was getting a bit giddy and stopped drinking for a while. I don't want to look like a complete fool in front of the kids and I didn't. After that I stuck to soda and milk.
Easter Sunday the kids helped out with the mass. Mertz was a candle bearer, Alina the book of the Gospel she carried and held for the Pastor. I made the dress Alina wore. We served Easter Lunch where my Dad, Eleanor, and Logan's folks and his Brother came and enjoyed the feast we put on! The food was excellent, the desserts were to die for, and the company was very content and we all enjoyed each other and their company, no one left out, even the kids were enjoying the company of the older folks. What I love about it is I can be myself and not have to sit in a corner with barely any conversation with anyone, here its all out and everyone is chatting!!

2010-03-23T12:57:00.002-04:00

We have finally got a new vehicle!! But in the very near future I'm going to need a second one. My PT has done their thing and now I'm seeing the chiropractor! He is doing what I think I needed most of all all along and I am feeling better. I'm not afraid of driving since the accident, but more afraid of lifting weights and doing the physical things. PT told me to take it slow and do half the weights I was doing prior to the accident. Things are looking up since I've retreated to the "bone cruncher". We have a gym in our basement of the apt building with an Olympian Weight bench and weights, some dumbbells a heavy bag and a "wooden dummy" to work some Mook Yang Jong techniques, I spelled it how it sounds, but its a good training tool. I'm going to get back on the wagon and do some walking, either out doors or at work on the treadmill that sits in my client's basement. I'm sooooo spoiled at her house when I have down time. I have a beautiful wall to wall sun room from floor to ceiling to look out at the funny squirrels and birds in the landscape, I've got 900 channels/on Demand on her new cable package, put in over the weekend, the treadmill; and outside of that I don't know what else could be better! The food I bring, if any, could be better, but I get paid to hang out, cook, clean, and feed and do full care which is not very hard at all. I am the envy of all--Home away from home. My boss is nice, I rarely deal with her, and I have not too many toads to releave (some just dont do any of the cleaning in the 8-12hrs) I don't get that, you must be extremely lazy if you cant do a load of 15 dishes in THE DISHWASHER or a small load of laundry, some people are real nimrods---What DO THEY DO ALL SHIFT???? I like the accommodations of being there too, but there comes a time when you have to move and do things too, which is why we get a paycheck and why she pays the company we work for so much money!!!

2010-02-26T11:13:00.002-05:00

I have been making it to work and making the best of it. I go to Physical Therapy, and I don't know, its not exactly going all that well. $30 just for the co-pay, it is insane, that's one compliant, another is that I don't know if they are really helping, some days I've come out of there hurting for a few days, I try to take it 'easy' but that's not so easy to do. I can't just sit around. I may end up relying on a chiropractor to get some release of my bones being twisted up.
Soon we won't have to be borrowing my mother-in-law's car and we will be soon to owning our own, that's good news. Since we've been borrowing, we have had to help with getting her axles repaired, something that needed to get done before we needed to borrow her car, and when I had to drive to Boston to pick up Logan at the airport, I thought the axles were going to bust, my heart was sinking in my stomach as I drove, hoping I wasn't going to have a breakdown in her car IN BOSTON!! That would have SUPER SUCKED!!! I don't recall ever having that heart-racing-sick-to-my-stomach feeling while driving as I did that night! The destination was made, and I prayed with all my might that we'd get home safe! Needless to say, we drove home at the very slow speed of 45mph as opposed to my normal 75mph. It was a much longer ride home and having picked up Logan at 12:45am, it was not until almost 2am that we returned back home safely in our beds. Three nights later we trekked up north for a much longer drive in the same axle cracked car so Logan could play guitar at a paying venue. And we had to return the same night, again getting home quite late, though the roads in NH are wAAAyyy better kept than MA and the car could tell too cause it was barely rattling so we were going a bit faster more like 55/60mph on our way home. We got home at 1am or so...another late night!
One adventure after another I must say! We split the cost helping Logan's mom's car since we were driving it full-time. I am thankful that she is able to let us use her car, even though she hates the fact that we eat in her car. One day, she was getting a ride from us so she could go to the store and she was wiping down the rear-view mirrors on the outside of the car cause they 'were too dirty with salt'! ????? Its in the middle of winter, you've got to expect that, I mean really????? There's nothing wrong with wanting your car clean, but it was the way she began with it, cleaning the mirrors and the windows with baby-wipes, and making things even worse! I had to then go to a gas station and properly wash the windows with the proper cleaning agent for outdoor use. Oh she can be a little screwed up in the head, she then made us go to a car wash and the whole thing...I swear its a control issue with her. Some things she does that drives me absolutely crazy, but she would never do it in front of Logan. Elderly mother-in-laws......

2010-01-21T11:44:00.005-05:00

My political involvement has been growing over the years. My history in a nutshell: I cared very little living under my parent's roof, though wondered why these people were always on the news. I did get the idea that Ronald Reagan was a very awesome dude and talked very smoothly. I now look back and think, I was right, if only there were more Ronald Reagans!! Then I remember the next president, George Bush, and I remember the January night that we had to go to War in the Gulf back in 1990. I was young that I was terrified of the idea. Clearly I remember talking about it with those around me who tried to calm my fears. Eventually, things calmed down in my mind, hey, there weren't any bombs flying around me so I felt safe. Then I clearly remember all the rage in the race with Clinton up for president and I watched more intently and sensed he was a tool. I was in my own way, outraged when he became president, I hated the feeling I got from the guy just by watching him and listening to his verbal diarrhea. I tried to ignore politics thinking that these sleezeballs would go away. As I gained more maturity the whole sex thing with Clinton and Monica Lewinski--that was when so many things changed, not only for me, but for the country! I began to watch more and feel more outraged about the goings on in the leadership of this country. I decided that I would take part of the movement to get someone with some decent values in the leadership position and it was my first time to ever be of age to vote! Since then, I've had many complicated discussions with Logan and learned about the direction of this country, and furthermore did research along with Logan on Youtube where there are loads of stuff you can't find and will never see on network TV that shocked me and have forever changed my life. I began to live with more understanding of the leaders, the history of the country (thought I'd learned that in school, but no), and what kind of direction our future was headed in. I loved being included in conversations at work, or in social gatherings and loved to get into discussions and debates and over time have developed my own opinions about life and the current events. In that result I was coming out of a cloud a fog of fantasy. I never smoked any drugs, but I sure lived like I had, with not a clue!! I am glad to be out of that thick fog.
I sure had my moments where I'm sure people looked at me and thought "wtf" I can also attribute some of that to have lived as a moron, I mean mormon, LOL. I love picking on myself in saying that, cuz wow, after I walked away from it all, so many friends shared that they were glad we left. I finally came to a place within myself where my internal beliefs often spoke differently. Gays and Lesbians for example, I don't agree with the lifestyle, but they are just as you or I, with needs to be filled and if marriage completes them, then that's theirs to be. In 'heaven' or the afterlife in the mormon way of thinking, you can't be 'together forever' unless you've been married in the temple....(I was married in the temple, would love an opportunity for a do-over outside the temple with my hunny) Again, I looked honestly at that one and Never could really agree with thatthough I tried to conform to believing that, it just never felt TRUE. ....(was I a hypocrite or what??? well, that's why I had to leave and never go back.) Ha, even reading a book that in many spots verbatim reads the same as the bible...see the right hand of the screen on my blog here that says 'old beliefs are fun' its quite an eye opener. My blinders are so gone! God created us all, why would he shun us from our own beloveds? The ever so popular screwing with minds on the afterlife just can't be right! Heaven, what I believe, is what our conciousness will return to and believes it is a place we will one day go, but not stay for long, as we have many more lives to live. Yes, I believe in reincarnation, without a doubt! And I don't believe Jesus is all he's cracked up to be, its complicated if you don't have an open mind and room for change. I no longer see him as the guy who died for me, nor do I believe he was some divine being. Its something I'm still working out in my head for sure, but I will one day write that out or refer to a website how I see him. I guess more like a history figure, a sage, a great teacher, but leave the divine out of it.
Religion goes deep as does politics too. Many have their strong opinions on both subjects and they are somewhat one in the same. Some that have no opinion on one or the other, I have very little patience for people like that, or I feel I need to teach you to think about it. I saw a lot of politics in the mormon religion, and there are a lot of people who don't admit that it exists. Some people live like politics is their religion, so it can too be. Religion is strong in the hearts of many; don't care if its Christian, Jewish, Hindu, etc, and so are politics, they've been around for a very,very, very, very long time. What they have in common are laws and lets face it, the control of groups of people and how they live, and that's pretty broad.
America overall is great because it is the first country that said 'hey, we don't care what religion you are, and we acknowledge that men are born with rights' and again very broad, but around the world today we are the first which is so attractive. If you don't know it, the Constitution that was formed and today reigns as our "King" is being beat down day by day, our liberties and freedoms getting chipped away at day by day and it is very unsettling to me and my family. I hope we never see a Holucaust in our country or of the like or something horrific as such, that's why I have been closely attentive in the news; I will not become a slave, as such, I'd rather die.

2010-01-10T14:21:00.003-05:00

The beginning of the year has started with a bump a week in! I have managed to take the wrong road and be at the the wrong place at the wrong time and now my car is a total loss. I can either choose to be so angry, but that never got me feeling better, so I just accept it as it is and try to get moving no matter what. I'm very fortunate that we all walked away and didn't have injuries that prohibited us from doing everyday activities. I can still work and the kids can still do all the things they do. I am very fortunate that we weren't going very fast and it was a T-bone crash so it was only my impact. We were all belted in the car, and I was able to brake some to shave some of the speed impact. Alina and I did go to the doctors to get checked out from our bumps and bruises and seem to be fine. I couldn't believe the incident, it was quite upsetting. How long it will take to get life back to normalcy is undetermined at this time. But Damn it, cars are such a pain to replace.

2010-01-01T13:31:00.003-05:00

2009 is over! It was socially one of the very best years for us in our entire 12yrs of marriage!! Alot I can do now even when I'm not dedicating my life away to a volunteering fraternity ward! We got together with some great friends, old and new and had moments that we will never forget! Logan and I have let the good times roll and they rolled into great laughter, great friendships and silly moments! The kids are happy too. Even moving into our newest apartment has turned us into happier people since it is large enough to have people over and room enough for everyone to get along and get around. We have the entire 2nd floor of the building that is quite large, I would say longer than a mobile home. We even have a nice deck near the kitchen and living room so in the summer the party can go outdoors.
We had Logan's parents and step-mom and my Dad and Eleanor over. We all had a wonderful time Christmas Day. We had good conversation that everyone was involved with, nobody was left out in any instance and the kids were enjoying themselves too! I was so happy to see everyone having such a nice time and we all had something to talk about. I hope to see more visitors and family come over this year! Family does come first at my house!

2009-11-25T21:44:00.002-05:00

I start out with the year 2004 or was it 2003? Maybe the latter. The tradition started that one of our cars would break down on or near Thanksgiving, and the break down was always the last straw that breaks the camel's back for vehicle breaking down and has been put to rest for good! Hmmm... well another vehicle has fallen to that curse! Last night, two days before thanksgiving. several thousand more dollars to get the p.o.s. back on the road but truly it really isn't worth it....already I've been in the hole with this same vehicle with outrageous costs. Why do cars curse me so????? I believe in karma, and it constantly has been a battle with me. For all the good I do, I'm still "paying my dues" the universe is trying me again to see how it can break me, but I'm a strong woman and again I will see this trial through.

2009-11-15T10:47:00.002-05:00

New haircut

Angle on my new bangs

30-06 and me...I did get to fire off some ammo on this powerful tool, very nice!!

My 9mm shooting off some rounds

Logan gaining more muscle and losing the 3 letter word, dare I say LOOKING GREAT HUN!!

So this is what I've been up to, my haircut done by my friend, shooting some firearms and getting better at that. I even got to clean my gun after! I usually let Logan do that, but you know, a girl has to learn some time, and in the midst of doing so, almost lost the springs that make the whole thing work! I'll get it right next time. The kids have been taught about firearms and how to handle them or how not to if they see one lying around, we let them see and touch our firearms with some education so that all curiosity is lost. The number one reason why kids accidentally shoot and or kill. The lessons not taught to them by irresponsible folks who do have firearms lying around. Glad I wasn't a victim of that as I almost was one day. I have a great respect for firearms and they are great tools on the line of defense. I have not had a gun only just recently, but have had it for some time and I'm sad to hear in most recent weeks that people are going so crazy that its all it will take to stop them from thier insanity, but guns are saving lives and I hope by owning one that I'll never have to be in a situation where I'd have to use it, but then if I am I'll be prepared and trained enough to have to use it. Knowledge is power, and tools in help with a defense is extremely important especially in these sour times.

2009-11-06T14:01:00.002-05:00

I am a sucker for animals. About a week ago I came home from work and running into the road was a black cat and her babies, trying to go where I don't know, but I just about almost hit them. Our neighborhood is crawling with stray cats, so I figured this was one and with her own babies. Sure enough, the mother was defending her brood when I approached with my friendly charm. I fed them some cheese and the next morning it was gone. I told the kids and we went on our own investigation where there are two buildings and a small enclosure where the mother took shelter. I was talking about it with my neighbors and we all got together and one guy got bit and had to get treated since he has diabetes...they called animal control, held 4 kittens after they were caught and the poor kittens (souls) were after a day, sitting very wet and shivering in a small animal carrier wet to the bones. I was furious, the wind was blowing and for the weekend to be left that way?? I couldn't take it! The abuse of leaving them sit in unsanitary conditions. The animal control officer was contacted but didn't come on that Friday, and on Saturday is when I got involved. I told the girl that I'd take them to clean them up. I took one by one out of the carrier and took some liquid soap and gave them a shower in the sink with my loving hands, wrapped in a towel and returned them into my twice the size larger carrier, clean with a clean towel and food and water (also something they didn't have). We lost one of the four, it jumped from the deck off the third floor and fell to it's fate, not death, thank god, but it got away so fast that it probably ran to its mother. So three little kittens about the same age and looked like my two kittens, all black and greenish gray eyes. They were much better after being soaked in their own piss. I made another extension with a storage bin laid on its side and put a small sized litter box to keep the food and feces seperate and clean. That was Saturday, the officer came but the guy downstairs didn't know I was cleaning them, word didn't get to him...oops. Sunday they were safe and I kept them indoors in the cage/bin I set up. They were scared. My kitties smelled their presence and was staying close to us. We went to bed Sunday night, and Monday morning the kittens were GONE! My house is a little unorganized in some spots, but I can find my way thru it, but them kittens hid all too well. It was late morning that I discovered that they were in the woodwork under the cabinets in the kitchen and a bigger hole in the wall that two kittens had crawled in and out of. My Landlord would not be pleased to hear that I had five kitties running around when the limit is 2. I was feeling very helpless, these kittens didn't care if I sprayed water on them, make the sound of the sander blast in the air, or a drill, they were toughing it out. Then in all the frustration of it all, the officer was directed to my apartment to retrieve the kittens and boy did I have news for him! I explained the issue I was facing and he told me I was on my own; we figured we'd starve them out of the walls and woodwork. I left for work in the afternoon and came home and they were out of the woodwork and somewhere in the apartment. I closed the doors to all the rooms that I could. A couple hours later I heard kittens' meows, and it wasn't mine. So I found two in the Den and captured them in the cage and locked them in with some food. In the morning on Tuesday, we found the other kitten in Mertz's room. All three accounted for and I called the animal control guy back to tell him the kittens were caught. Left them out on the stairway and he later came by to take them to the journey that awaits them. Maybe death, maybe another chance somewhere in a shelter. I just loved them even for the short time I had them. They just wanted to be kittens, but I sadly couldn't keep them the way they deserved to be kept. I honestly didn't want to have animal control take them but since the guy downstairs was bit, they had to put them on watch. What I think happened is he grabbed the kitten in such a way that he probably hurt it and it reacted in defense, because I had no issues with them and was plenty careful, wearing medical gloves (while cleaning them) and holding them only by the scruff and slow approach, etc. So it was pretty eventful here to the point where some of us got a bit frustrated, and 'why did I get involved'? I couldn't see the kittens dying on the porch out of hyperthermia... and then when the animal guy came would the people have gotten charged for cruelty? I don't know and I had to do what I had to do for these little souls.

2009-10-27T00:08:00.002-04:00

Logan and I have been attending the Episcopal Church. I read that the Pope has welcomed Anglican faith to join in with the Roman Catholic Church to get away from the gays and women priests. And an article stated "During his sermon at St. Peter’s Episcopal Church in Salem yesterday, the Rev. Paul B. Bresnahan said the Catholic Church was essentially offering itself as a “safe refuge for bigotry,’’ and he “must respectfully decline’’ the pope’s invitation.

“This really sends a terrible message to the gay community, as well as to women, which is half the population of the world,’’ he said in a phone interview. “It’s about time we embraced these folks in a kinder, gentler way than we are now.’’ " and then,"Outside Trinity Church in Copley Square, Lindsey Weeramuni of Jamaica Plain questioned the Vatican’s overture, saying that one of the reasons she attends that Episcopalian church is because it is so inclusive.

“If all of God’s children are just that, why are some more deserving of God’s love than others, in the eyes of one particular church?’’ Weeramuni asked." BRAVO!! Having lived under a cult for so long, Episcopalians have got alot of things right. I don't exactly agree with the gay community, but they need to have a belief in something greater than themselves. I however, have a difficult time with the religious aspect of their intents as God intends for a man and a woman to wed, but for me, as long as they aren't pushing that lifestyle in the ceremony/sermon of the church than they are welcome in my eyes. As far as the women priests are concerned, I don't have a problem at all with a woman priest, us women do just a good job as anyone else if not better! HEhEHE
Another argument I see in the case of the quoted article is that I'm a bigot if I go to this church!? O dear! The religious war rages! I'm still a newbie at being a part of this new religious community I've chosen, the path may not end here, but its wayy better than where I've been.
I feel like I've reunited with my spunky 13yr old self these days, for the first time; wrapping my lips around a cigarillo and enjoying a slow, aromatic wonder. Kissing the lips of my husband after he's had a cigar or pipe...his lips tastes sooo good! Having some wine after a chaotic day is something I had never experienced before but now for almost a year, its lovely! I don't drink or have a smoke every night its a bit much if that was the case, nor do I lose myself, but to the point of enjoyment is all that is sufficient. I don't know why I see this as a 13yr old thing, but around that time in my life I was awakened so to speak. I was becoming a woman as early as then, and I felt a change about me never before, and even today, I'm still continually a changed woman and feeling great about who I am and the family that I have created since 12 years ago. I have faced a lot of criticism over the years. And comments like "you have changed" I've been hearing that for a while and I get the feeling that it was for the worse and people felt bad for me, etc. I was changing, sure, who doesn't?? The past hasn't all been a cheery ride and therefore in the defenses of times of hardship, sure, one changes, how can one not?? Change, I hate how Obama cheapend that word, urgh don't get me going! I have chosen to climb out of the box and have been seeing more and doing more and being more and I know there is still room for improvement...So now I'm going to put the post up and have a mudslide--yum!

2009-10-23T10:05:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was quite interesting with the kids. A day or so before this, Mertz came to me and matter-of-factual came up to me and said, 'You and Pa ARE Santa cause there's no way Reindeer have a special formula to fly (something we used to tell them) and a big guy can't go around the whole earth in one night.' OKAY, the childhood belief is off! I got Logan in the room and I told Mertz to repeat to him what he said to me; knowing that Alina and Mertz are close and talk about things together, I got everyone in the same room and confirmed what they already knew, (and had known for a while)The kicker was the handwriting on the tags, though I tried my hardest to mask my handwriting all these years! It also was a relief for Logan and I in a way. But we got to talk of all the years of hiding and secrets and all the things Logan and I did for them to surprise them. It was nice to talk about it and get their feelings about it. Neither was upset, it was just confirming what they already knew....smart kids!! Christmas will be different and real! Logan and I said to them, still, 'we believe' and hope that they will still want 'Santa' to sign his name and not share the secret to other little kids, that, I know I can depend on!

2009-10-13T00:45:00.003-04:00

Early last week just a couple days after my last post, our newest cat, Sammy somehow got outside! Ususally he greets me when I get home late at work and that night there was not a peep of him. I may have seen him out the window and he stopped when I called his name from our second floor apt. but when I went out to catch the young beast, he was gone in a flash! The kids woke up the next morning to hear the somber news. School was a wash, we spent most of the morning creating small posters of Sammy and walked several blocks around our neighborhood to post them. Still he is gone. On the flip-side we were offered some kittens and unsure if Sammy would resurface again into our lives we accepted two new kitties coming from a friend this time. Two little females all black...just in time for Halloween!! One looks like she'll have longer hair than the other so Alina named her "Poofy" and Mertz named the other one w/ shorter fur, "Moosashi Kitty". Today I found some poop not in the litter box...naughty kitty....! Very playful as are all kittens, one got tangled up today in my couch cover, Alina thought the cat was her 'other shoe' as we were leaving to get me off to work. Well guess what? The little kitten got herself into a pickle!!
Right now Poofy is laying on my back sleeping soundly all curled up...I just love it!
So I dusted off my video camera, that I thought was broken several months ago, as it wasn't focusing as I maneuvered the T-W button to zoom in and out. As I looked at it again, it isn't broken after all and works fine! Imagine that! I am now relieved and can take videos again of the kids and so on, and of our new apartment just hoping Mertz would clean up his room so I can do that!

^so since this post the kittens names have changed; Moosashi is now Jenna (not named after my cousin) Mertz just picked it from somewhere and Poofy is now Sakura which in Japanese means "apple blossom" I don't know which cat it is yet but neither of them are getting good on the kitty litter, one keeps pooping and peeing outside of the litter box I went from a hooded litter box and kept that one standing and now i've got a 3and a half tall box out of cardboard lined with a kitty litter liner and still it isn't curing the issue since I thought it was the height of the hooded box that was the issue but appearently not.....urgh....I want my trained cat back.....Sammy.....

2009-10-03T22:54:00.002-04:00

I have been purging so many items of my past that I'm feeling a bit lighter. I had a lot of magazines, some useless awards, an old trophy I found that I recieved as a youngster when I did some great piano stuff. The kids were so amazed that even their mom got a trophy for doing something. They just couldn't believe it! I got rid of so much old stuff that means nothing to me now, and renewed my acquaintance with a few other items. The crap that I carried over the years~~If there was an award I'd be getting one that said 'Best Crap Collector' Usually, I keep tidy but I had to go thru it as my life is changing and doesn't need things from last century that beats me down...I found some cool quotes that I used to keep on...I also found a fortune teller card I once got and it really spoke to me and reading it again for the first time in 20 years really called out again to me!!

Me & My Crazy Wig

2009-10-03T01:25:00.003-04:00

I've always wanted a different hairstyle without the visit to the hairdressers and now that its Halloween, a cheap wig with a cheap 80's look never looked so ridiculous on me!!! Better save up for a more realistic wig with a better style! But the truth is, after I purchased this one, I walked around the mall with it on for a half hour with the kids in tow and they were seeing everyone's jaw dropping reaction to my really overly exaggerated hairstyle! :) I'm always in for a good laugh. With the pictures I did my signature Leah crazy attempt to be a goof and or serious poses as I've always wanted to be a model. BAWHAHAHAHA!!!

2009-09-21T13:36:00.004-04:00

Halloween video #1
starring our family including the cat
Halloween video #2
starring some relatives and their animal friends

Won't be around long to watch so enjoy it while its up in motion!
Last night we went ghost hunting Logan, myself and his sister and her fiance. I was very nervous. I think Logan's sister likes to be the one who dramatizes the whole experience. I saw and heard nothing but she seemed to be the one drawing in the forces. Somehow I think its all in her head. We did go where it's said to be haunted in Lyndonbough, NH...it was quiet. I felt a bit uneasy about it, though, I would like to see some action.
Frankly, I think it is more creepy walking among the living who look close to death down a long darkened hallway on third shift where I used to work with only a few nightlights on....yes I did...yes I was scared but quite brave doing it night after night!!

2009-09-10T11:07:00.002-04:00

Just a quick thought. My work history has always had a pattern almost every where I've worked they have shut down, gone bankrupt. Now I'm in the medical field and with all the government CHANGE its most likely going to affect me!!! What gives?! They are threatening to put unions on all healthcare workers so that it will be easier to make healthcare government run. I just want to scream!!
"How's that CHANGE working out for ya?" love that bumper sticker!
Obama is such a liar and hypocrate and I hope we the people can purge him and all his czars!!

2009-09-09T01:06:00.002-04:00

Today was great! Mertz and Alina seem to be well adjusted to the home school life. I must say that not having to rush around and worry about being 'late for school' is so much better on our family. I really hate to admit that my kids were often late (even if it was even one min over)for school 52 times in the entire year! Good Grief!! We were the attendance monitor's worst case ever! I think, in part, is was at times; me going to bed late after work, and Logan is not a morning person, so it was tough getting up so early in the morning. Most people have day jobs and can get to bed at a decent time, but we have it a bit different in our home. I love working at night and having the sunshine in the daytime to enjoy as I wish! But truth be told, I'm not outdoors much. Today, even though I have been feeling ill, just with a head cold or allergies or something, the kids and I after two hours of school, we went for a bike ride around the city to hunt down a book the kids are to read and unfortunately, we came home empty-handed, the library didn't even have it! I had to make a request to get it sent in. We came home with some new material of DVD's the kids can watch in their free time among them was the 'old school cartoon' "Aquaman" and after their schooling was done, they sat and enjoyed the toons!! I am pretty tickled to be around the kids all day, they are being quite obedient and focused that I have no complaints. At home they learn things more efficiently overall, there is less distractions, except for the kitty cat, but no bullies or clowns that make learning almost impossible! Well, I do have to admit my kids ARE clowns, but they are just your average kid who are fortunate to have goofy parents that aren't afraid to laugh at farts, silly jokes, and parody songs we make up for each other--(things banned in schools otherwise) and no laughing "aloud" (that is such a bad pun!!lol) Today Logan had a good laugh with the kids I could hear them all the way from the basement where I do laundry, from the second floor! All the laughing made me smile, and thought, 'what precious moments we are enjoying by homeschooling!!!' As I found out when I returned upstairs, it was a song about me, nothing disrespectful, just plain genius! I then burst out laughing myself! And then the gears gently switch to seriousness after it is apparent things are all good and school returns back in motion. The freedom to teach what my kids are going to learn is so liberating and fantastic outside the set subjects there are other lessons to teach. I'm very excited about it as they are older and as they grow older and understand more about life, how enriching these times feel!! I'm happier and therefore they are happy too!! Was just one of the days where you're glad to be alive and everything is aligned in such a way that I was fully content. It doesn't get better than this! Well, I do hope my sinus pressure and congestion in my head will disappear so I can stop feeling dizzy when I get up or turn my head n such.

New in September

2009-09-02T09:50:00.004-04:00

We have a connection at home, yay!!! We have also decided that we are Home Schooling the kids. Believe it when I say, they begged us all summer to be home schooled. After we spent the entire summer contemplating it and all, we have taken on the task once again. I have to say that Logan is a better teacher than I am, I try but I get too nit-picky about things, and Logan is more straightforward and has a better way than I do. We started yesterday and have changed the routine around here, school starts at 9am and we go till about 1, having lunch break and getting outside to the park across the street to run around, or in the yard, whichever, but Mertz likes to get his scooter out and make his rounds around the park on it. Can't do that at school.
Switching subjects; I have gotten in touch with my old childhood friend, Amy after many years of no contact. I have seen a lot of change in her and of course in many ways she's still the same goofball, but as a mother of 3, she has done a lot of growing up; haven't we all? We as a whole, have hit it off! The kids all get along, she has a son, 11 yrs old and two daughters 9 and 8. Logan and Amy also have hit it off which is very cool! We can all hang out together and have an equally nice time. Debbie, her mom, also adores Logan, one of the few of Amy's friends that she likes, so that is a bonus. Amy and kids live at home with her mom so its hard not to run into her mom if and when she's not working. Getting along with the 'mother hen' is indeed essential if we are hanging around. The other good news is that Amy has been wanting to find a church to attend for her and kids to be a part of, and she's made her choice, after attending many churches, she likes the church we go to (St. Andrews Episcopal Church) on the West side. Already she is planning for her kids to be baptized in the near future and has asked Logan and I to be the Godparents! Its special to know she would have us as her kid's godparents. I never would have imagined!

2009-08-18T21:16:00.002-04:00

Though I have no internet connection from my home, I have other ways to get on the internet to post my blogs.
I had a great time with the family at the get-together/reunion last weekend. I had a chance to talk to each of the attending adults present, which I don't think that has ever happened! I couldn't believe it! I typically feel left out in most gatherings and may not come across as wanting to chat, which is most incorrect, in fact I like joining in conversations if I do have something to say, or have some knowledge on the subject or whatever.
I will have been married to Logan for 12 years this weekend! How time flies! Having a family like ours is a beautiful creation and a special gift that I treasure and love with all my heart! Logan is such a hilarious, jovial husband who makes me laugh a lot! Mertz is a smart, sharp young boy and is a great friend to all who know him. Alina is full of boldness and tell-it-like-it-is, just like her Pa! I love 'em and forever mine will be!

Nashuatelegraph.com: Obama to return to NH for town meeting

2009-08-08T22:08:00.002-04:00

Nashuatelegraph.com: Obama to return to NH for town meeting

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LOVE TO BE THERE----AND WILL HE LISTEN TO OUR VOICES IN THE "NO TO H.C. REFORM"??? I DOUBT IT, BUT LOVE TO BE A PART OF THE TOWN HALL, HEY ITS MY VACATION WEEK. HMMMM!

Some cooking fun

2009-08-08T18:33:00.001-04:00

Garden Creatures Pancake Molds, Set of 3 | Williams-Sonoma

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On my wish list, an item that the kids would love!!

2009-07-31T21:04:00.008-04:00

SAMMY our CAT

Mertz playing video games

Alina with Amy's kids at the same Pool I once swam in

Alina and Kealeigh her best friend downstairs

Alina proudly on her Bike!
This summer has been going well. I'm working, and the kids are enjoying almost daily trips to the pool only 7min away with a waterslide and lots of fun! I don't miss going to the ocean, okay I guess I do, but it beats sand in my shorts and all the endless sea of bathing suits that I would wish to cover my kids' eyes over!! The kids are enjoying the cat, our neighbors and all the visitors that come by! It has been a joy and not much of a boring summer after all! I'm glad that we get along with the neighbors and their friends cause it sure beats all the negative energy if we didn't get along (as was the case in our old apartment). And of course the kids love the neighbor's cat who comes up to enjoy our company on our porch. We bought our cat a scratch pad with catnip in it and he's not at all crazy for it, but our neighbor's cat comes up and gets crazy with it!
Wednesday night was hanging out and talking of all sorts of things, and having a great time! I thoroughly enjoy having a spot out of the house to sit at and have long conversations and there are no bugs, well, except for a beetle that joined Logan and I the night before the size of the roundness of the larger sized spoon, the thing was huge!!! And it crackled when it flew to the nearest light bulb! It was the largest beetle I have ever seen in my entire life!! The kids were out with us talking of just ordinary things and goings on, but as the conversation got more deeper in nature, it was time for bed for the kids, 11pm is a good time on summer nights for bed! They were off to bed and we were up a few more hours. The great thing about not having to get up in the morning for work....I think I slept in till 9:30am the next morning...I don't remember the last time I slept in so late without waking up any earlier! I was glad the kids weren't impatient with me for breakfast as they figured they could serve themselves a bowl of cereal or even salad (?) as Alina chose! LOL!
I'm glad that Logan may be picking up some more students and keeping ones over into the school year, that started new in the summer. Trying to find 'extra' work outside of teaching has been a very difficult road since everyone else is trying to do the same! Soooo many businesses are cutting back, as it turns out the population of job seekers has been flooding the job hunt and making it almost and very close to impossible to get a full-time job as many are only hiring part-time and even they tell him he's overqualified. Beggars can't be choosers but they are in the case of jobs. So things are tight and are still managing to do some things on the 'wish list' before summer ends. We've been to the Currier Museum of Art, the SEE Center, and I had my yard sale to name just a few; making it almost everyday to Livingson Park has been making all the difference as that is all they want to do, but when it rains we've been keeping them entertained with other adventures! It is disappointing that Logan had to deny his trip to go to England this summer, which would have happened in just about a week from now....we are deeply saddddddd. My vent; One roadblock is and has been our curse. I get so frustrated, here, I have a very talented husband, very intelligent, many love him and his presence and yet we are unable to move in ways where we should be able to. Oh yes, and I'm the "queen" the woman who puts up with all the 'Gabriel Man' stuff. (That, by the way is a very real and intimate joke between us women married to them Gabriel men, its like they are a certain kind of breed) In addition, there is a certain 'kind' and 'patient' woman, a woman with great strength who ultimately reach many levels of courage she never had before being beside a Gabriel, either that or we morph into an ugly beast who didn't know what reared such an ugly head! That is too friggen funny, I love that, hopefully I don't fall into that category!
I have not fully decided but I'm kicking around the idea of getting a tattoo. I love watching the tv show LA Ink. I love Kat who runs the shop, she is so strong-headed and yet so sweet. I am limited to where to get one because of my profession...to be continued...as I won't make any decisions final until summer is over and I've got some extra moolah to play with.

2009-07-28T20:26:00.006-04:00

I have come to the blog site to share with you, if interested, some very exciting videos that have enlightened me. I just have to say I love science! I love the new things we can learn each day from it! I remember once, a very long time ago, in an evening before bed, we may have just got done watching a sci-fi Maybe "The Last Starfighter" and the discussion was brought up that outerspace goes on and on forever and what if life is 'all just a dream?' said Dad, and this may have also been said; that we aren't really who and what we think we are. That freaked me out and really warped (not in a bad way, however) my ideas of what reality is in thinking like that....and here it is, life is what we create in a very big sense by way of the ideas brought up in the successive videos all in what we know in quantum Physics. I find this extremely deeply interesting, and that we all have our own perceptions. That was another conversation I remember with Dad too was maybe you don't 'see' some other things around us in the world; in life, the same or even not understand (fill in the blank) and not "see" it physically any part of it, even at all, even when it is right in front of our face! Maybe this will interest you as it does me and start a dialogue of sorts...
What the Bleep do we kNow? Part 1 of Many
"What the bleep do we know: Down the Rabbit Hole (part1)"
"The Reality as you Know it does not exist"
"Tour through reality"

2009-07-20T09:21:00.003-04:00

We have moved to Manchester!!! So far, we are loving the 5-10 min commute to our jobs, and being able to bike around town (Mertz suffered a concussion not too long ago on his, but has turned out okay) That was scary, but I took him to the ER got him a CAT scan and everything turned out that he'll recover in no time and he has since it has been about two weeks now. I got to stay home from work and take care of him and it was a much needed break from work. Our apartment is nice, with a few quirks that are on the fix list, but we are most happy with the place, the space as I quote "goes on and on" it is big! I finally got a 5' table to put in my bedroom to use to make things :) The den has become the workout room and the guitar lesson room; so I'm staying clear of it!
We have a wonderful new cat we rescued, he came with his own name, Sammy and he's got a very cool laid-back personality. Last night he got outside, I had been working, don't know exactly who put him out, but he's an indoor cat.... When I came home I socialized on our balcony with our neighbors who live below us, so it was late by the time I realized he was missing, I couldn't sleep till I found him, 1am in the morning I took a small drive to look for him with no luck, I know, I'm crazy, and prayed, looked out the window a few minutes later, and he was walking in the yard, I called out to him and he meowed,as if to say "I know, I'm in trouble" and I went out and swooped him up and brought him inside. I didn't want to lose him! Logan told me b4 I found him, "he's a cat, he'll come home" but I didn't want Sammy to become mushed meat on the road....
Since the sun became known in our region again, HAHAHA we went looking for a place to go swimming, and wow did we discover it with a nice water slide, showering water in the pool itself and water fountians. Livingston Park is the best kept secret from the dirty Mexicans! I hear that many of the nice parks that used to be nice are getting worse by illegals as they leave their trash and behave erratically. I hate to sound racist but I cannot stand people of any color or race that pollute our nice state and the areas within that are to be enjoyed. At Livingston there were decent people there all having a great time, no loud music rumbling in the midst, just nice quiet happy people! Not to mention it is close to home and it is free! We do want to get to a water park or the beach before the season is over and I have other 'want to do' lists. For now, we enjoy the little things like Livingston Park which is close to home.

2009-06-11T01:49:00.003-04:00

The latest transaction of thoughts and feelings between Scott and I have resolved into, I hope, an understanding that you will say/write what you will and so will I. I'm not going to be guilt-tripped or pigeon holed into anything. And if you want to talk religion, than I'm going to talk religion too, it wasn't a fight, just a debate of sorts. There are three things people really shouldn't talk about and that's Politics, Religion and finances. I know I blog a lot about the first two subjects and I can, cause I can freely do so. This is a place where I can share, not meant to be a personal attack and if you take it that way, than you really aren't open to new ideas. I blog because I have the freedom to get out in the open with who I am! I share with what I am doing, learning, thinking or whatever here, and I'm not out to please or receive the acceptance of anyone. In fact, it could just be a self-serving thing. I am a woman, no longer "little Lee Lee" here, where I can think for myself and make conclusions, and decisions of what I've studied regardless of what I used to believe. Yes, a fact is the religion I was born into is part of my heritage, I cannot deny that, that is fact, they went to church, they walked with their convictions, but as it turns out, the Mormon religion is not MY beliefs, and most of my heritage is not Mormon based either.
I know everyone has doubts, I did, and I found, for me, the only best thing I could do was to change; to break out boldly into where I felt right. I don't have a problem with Mormons but what I have a problem with is the claim to have all the truth. I'd love to visit the BOM sites from ancient times, I'd love to see a museum of artifacts of say, the tools, the boats, the lost bodies that were seemed to have been killed in all the wars, the shields of the 2000 stripling warriors or the swords, the money that they exchanged, something.... But somehow nobody knows where or how, that's why I found, its just a story. Even the DNA tests are proving that there were no Lamanites or Nephites. However, I know the Egyptians existed with their pyramids, and all that is in the history books, cause they are found, its been left behind and not mysteriously vanished, including the cities and geography. That's part of what one of the videos below talks about. Did anyone wonder of that once before? I have. The truth, how I see it, cannot be left to "the burning feeling in my bosom" as I can feel that same feeling watching a feel-good fictional/non-fiction movie, or listening to some masterpiece of music. I can also feel "the spirit" while reading a Robert Frost poem, or watching a TV program, its a "feeling" not a confirmation based on truth, or facts. When I learned over time to differentiate the difference in my own conscious mind, taking away the "feel good" feeling and look at written facts from the hands of record keepers themselves, it was a moment of truth, an Eureka moment! Just like when I was a child, I believed there was a SANTA, and then looking at the facts that there was no way any human could possibly do what SANTA claims to do in one night, it was a fact I could not ignore that he was just another story, made up, to make us feel good! But, even Santa has an ugly side, all the parents that go into GREAT debt over the holiday or even the kids that receive nothing cause their parents cannot afford to buy even one gift. I have never fell into either category but it happens. And traditions will continue even when it wasn't intended to hurt anyone.
It hurt when I found what I thought to be true all my life was indeed false. It hurt when I thought Joseph Smith only had one wife, Emma, but he in fact had many wives, even as young as 14 and even ones that were already married to other men, he was making it in the bedroom, in "the name of God". He used Christ to get what he wanted and had these people swear that they would obey him as their PROPHET! It hurt when thinking God never changes, he is constant and never waivers, yet things in the Mormon church are always changing, for one example of many; take the priesthood and blacks, it took the church to accept all children to be children of god, no matter the skin color. It hurt when I prayed to find answers in the "words of God" and the more I studied the beginnings in church history (not told in Sunday school classes, mind you) the more I hated to read that I was lied to. It took me years to accept this very real experience even though I wanted the facts to match up in my hard core beliefs. I did what I had to do, what to me was right, even though I thought what I had been doing all along was right, pay tithing, go to church, attend the temple, obey commandments, give of my time..the list goes on and on. But the core facts ate away at me and once I stepped away I realized I was living in a bubble of sorts and I had been wearing the aforementioned, blinders, these were literally fast taking my life away from me. I was at times feeling to hurt myself physically and always beating myself up mentally when I didn't live up to everything, all part of the truth that I found eating away at me, being so called "righteous enough" or doing enough for the church, it was dangerous, I almost could have lost my family over my depression. Now you know why, if you don't ever have to go thru what I did and are still Mormon, God Bless! I had to leave for better or for worse, the experience was both freeing and devastating. I went for professional non-LDS help to sort out some of my problems and realized I am better than who I used to think of myself as. I can enjoy today for what it is and accept myself and love myself. My new self is determined to reach higher and to be at my full potential, always learning, always loving, and always experiencing new things. Life is meant to be lived, no matter the definition of living, mine can be different from yours and that's what make us different and who we are!

2009-06-03T18:21:00.008-04:00

A copy of a letter I wrote to my brother, Scott that I really cannot duplicate any further.

I realize many, including you, must feel hurt that my family has left the Mormon religion. Believe me, I know, I've been there, saying much of what you have said in your email, I've been a believer, and I had thought the very same things you've stated and had the testimony of it ALL, at one time or another. So there really isn't anything you are going to tell me that I haven't already heard, that's just the facts. I have, without a doubt, considered all things, I've asked a lot of questions and questioned time and time again many doctorine that just didn't seem to add up in a rational way. And the answers to the questions I had were kept from me my entire 'mormonhood'. I don't feel I need to explain everything because its a personal decision that I can say was one I have no regrets in making. I know, to you, that seems wrong, and at first what I thought I was doing was wrong too. I didn't make such a decision in haste, though to many on the outside, it would seem that way, but it has been a blessed journey and one I can finally say I chose for myself. And I know that probably doesn't make sense to you either, but I only have to answer to God, and proudly, I will, as I am not afraid.
I'm glad you, and everyone feel content where you are I have to respect that and I would expect the same respect likewise. I have realized over time we all have to find what truly makes us happy, and I wasn't all that happy overall, sure there were good times, but often the more I studied the history of the Mormon faith,the more I was fearfully led to another path, but one that makes more sense to me. I tried to get along with myself but it was failing, pretending to believe what I was reading was true, it was difficult.
Logan and I have always overcome a lot of difficult decisions together and this was one of them, by far, the hardest but one we have grown even closer over. Our relationship has deepened and opened many new doors. I understand how much you want me to come back, and again I know that feeling (of wanting someone to come back to the LDS church), and the prayers you wish for me to come back again, but you MUST realize, I have such a freedom to worship how or what I may, so I hope in time you can come to terms with my decision, though shocking, I'm a better person for having left the Mormon faith therefore, knowing what I know, I am never returning! It is over, that's why I decided to denounce my membership so please don't pester me with the doctorine of which I already know about.
I love you, I love all of you, my siblings, my parents, we are family in blood and ancestry and I feel very strong about family and about my life and my life's decisions. I will still be your sister and still respect who you are though my religious views have changed.

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I don't believe that I will be thrown to outer darkness and I don't believe that I will be hanging out in a Celestial glory, Telestial or Terrestrial glory for time and all eternity praising HF or Jesus for eternity all based on 80 years of a short measly lifetime. I don't believe a loving HF would cast me "out" I don't agree that if He loved me he'd make such a hasty judgment over such a small lifetime, I believe that there is more. I believe that my spirit or consciousness has always existed and that I continue to grow in knowledge and that we experience more and more in multiple lifetimes taking on bigger responsibilites, etc. I believe that there is indeed a God and we are all a part of what God is. I don't exactly believe that God is a person, but rather a higher degree of consciousness that is indeed eternal. I also believe that heaven is what we create in our minds rather than what someone tells me it would be like. So if I believe I will see all my past relatives,or pets, than I will see them when I die, and I will exist there until I am content and move on again into another life with the same group of conciousnesses. I don't believe that there is a Satan who works with his angels, however I do believe in the law of opposites and people may choose to do what is unethical or have medical conditions that don't maintain what we consider to be 'good'. I don't think the elderly have Satan growing inside them, as they do come off acting 'evil' but its just a dementia brain problem, to me it's clearer now after studying psychology and being in the medical field. Mom, I don't think had 'satan' live within her, but a form of Bipolar/Post Partum Depression, they just didn't know it then at the time, medicine hadn't had a name for it, and its my personal belif that she was taken in to the institution to be studied on to further their knowledge of what she may of had. So there you have it some of MY convictions!
I didn't expect to write so much or whatever have you but I refuse to be 'felt bad for' I'm increasing my knowledge and doing it in the way it makes me happy and that is my gift and lifeline from God!

Here's a video that says ALOT about why I would never return or accept the Mormon belief system, it was an eye opener for even me who had questions! I was skeptical but my intelligence that God gave me knows that history cannot be so vastly skewed.

Another video that again has much facts that I cannot deny and like these folks, I had to accept that Joseph Smith was a huge con artist and run to a different path

Logan once wrote this to another family member that felt sad about our decision

Once we left we were blessed immensely. We have peace in our home , our jobs are going great , and even Mertz and Alina are so happy we left.
We are so grateful to have found the real Christ and have accepted his saving grace in our lives.
Having actually studied the Mormon history the real one not the Hollywood version that the church portrays you really see that Joseph Smith was a con artist, womanizer and megalomaniac. It's a shame people still consider him a man of God. When you look at all the inaccuracies of the BOM and the outright fallacy of the BOA how can one still "believe"?
Warm fuzzy feelings do not equate to truth. facts do and Mormons can provide no such facts. Paul when teaching the Romans did not tell them to pray about what he was saying for a warm burning in the bosom. He reasoned with them for hours in order to make them understand the truth of the Gospel. God gave us intellect which we are to use. Paul also taught to question everything so that we may find the truth. I guess it's okay to question everything but Mormonism.
I could go on and on point for point and dispute the whole of Mormon doctrine in how it does not match up to Biblical Christianity but what's the point?
I am glad that Mormons have their faith, and if that gives them strength then that is wonderful. Leah and I are very leery about any man who calls himself a prophet yet does nothing to warrant such a title.
We have found the real Jesus Christ and his plan is wonderful and we are so glad to have accepted it. That is our strength and if people feel they need to pray for us then so be it. But, please do not pray that we will come back to the Mormon church because that will never happen. I would never slap Christ in the face like that.

The family member replied: i am a christian and to deny that is showing great ignorance on the part of anyone who says otherwise. for all that you two say, i know the truth and so do you. I'll pray harder for you all. ignorance is bliss...isn't it?
Logan's Reply

No. to say that you are Christian is ignorance on your part. Mormons do not follow Biblical Christianity. And what the do follow out of the Bible has been taken out of context (such as baptism for the dead, which if you bother to actually research Renee it is a pagan practice not Christian). Mormons do not even give full credibility to the Bible saying that we take it to be true if it is translated correctly. Yet they give credence to the Book of Mormon which has been proven time and time again to be a hoax.
By telling me I know the truth you are right I do know the truth. That Jesus is my savior and that through his grace i am saved. Period end of story and that is the gospel he taught in the bible. We are even told that anyone who tries to add or change is a false prophet. I'm sorry Renee but you do not know the truth and I will pray for you and ma that one day you will realize that the Mormon church is wrong. I hope that you will embrace the real Jesus Christ. If you would only research the truth of Mormonism instead of allowing yourself toi be force fed the lies. So I guess you would know if ignorance is bliss because you're living it.
And please do not try with these lame attempts to put a guilt trip on me by saying that I know the truth and all that garbage because it isn't gonna work. I get the ... Read Morefeeling you're trying to convince yourself that it's true. It's too bad you live with such cognitive dissonance. It's true the one thing that pisses Mormons off most is seeing ex-mormons live happy productive lives.
Mormons teach in sunday school that Jesus died for our sins and that through him we are saved. But then you have to go through the temple and that is the last step in being saved. What!!?? where in the Bible does it say that. Plus the temple ceremony is nothing more than the Masonic temple ceremony rehashed. Again do your research and you would see that.
Wow so much to be said regarding the inaccuracies and contradictions. But if you want to believe go ahead but me and my family will be praying hard for you to come to the real Christ and not Joseph Smith fabricated Jesus.

Then I chimed in the conversation:

I didn't wake up one day and all of a sudden say "I quit!" The great lengths I took to stay and keep beliving in the Mormon church, what questions that went unanswered and frustations I had being in it started my personal and very private journey to where I stand today. Nobody knows better than me how many years I've spent working out the kinks and not feeling the kind of joy I have today.

I also have to add to all of this long post something else that has occurred to me. As a young 8 year old, how could I have truly understood the magnitude the agreement and promises that is taken in a Mormon baptism. I barely remember being 8 and if I truly felt inside that I didn't want to be baptized and I do vaguely remember being scared making a hard commitment and knew there was a parent outside the bishop's door who'd 'let me have it' if I chose against being baptized. Even after my son's own baptisim he stated very openly he wished he hadn't been, and was relieved when we got the papers declaring we were no longer Mormons. If one young kid decides that they don't want to be baptized, think of the ostracized reaction they'd get from the flock, can you imagine being in primary and not getting baptized right at that 8th birthday mark? Its just not okay the pressure that is put on such a young one to do something that they really don't have a real choice in doing. Emma & Reuben a.was.k.a. Leah and Logan I think not! I laughed my head off finding out what Logan's 'new name' was and finding out that everyone that same day was 'newly' named the same name...not so sacred after all. And I can say all of this because it's not sacred to me and there is nothing I will hold back. You'd understand if you watch these above videos with an open-mind and hard as the facts may be, I felt horribly scammed by Joseph and his leaders thereafter, its a feeling of 'how silly was I to believe this horseshit?" I was living in shock indeed and have had many intellectual chats with others and have really come out of it all quite elated and I'm not stupid, I'm very smart and I won't be controlled by a cult who makes us swear on our lives not to tell but I think that's a load of crap in hindsight. Other churches think that they are weird to us having been Mormon, but if they saw what the heck we did in temples, and the underwear, they sure would think we were the weirdest! I've told the pastor that I am at ease within their church and no mystery and no question goes unanswered, in fact they encourage deep questions and that they say is a good thing, as opposed to being condemned for questioning doctrine that doesn't seem to add up. My blinders that I wore for most of my life are buried, better yet they should be burned for all time and eternity, make a mental picture, it has been done. I'm fairing out well and am lovin' a new life and meeting up with some great people and old friends and making new ones!

2009-05-30T00:14:00.002-04:00

Last weekend we got an offer to rent an apartment in Manchester, a landlord of sorts who we know asked us if we were still interested in moving to Manchester. He's got an apartment 2nd floor and 3 bedrooms and a den!! All for the same price we're paying now--he's chopping off some of the normal price he charges monthly so we can afford to live there! Logan and I looked at it today and really fell in love with the place, it has a nice yard, the kids can have a cat, Logan can teach students in the den and there's plenty of room to spread out my clutter! We have some things we need to look into, but how can we let this offer pass? A decent neighborhood, not sure about the school, but geez I am trying to not let anything in my way, even though there are some obstacles I've got to barrel through that seem so tough right now. We would wait till the school year has finished and then make the move if possible. No definite answer has been given, but we really would love to move. My worry is my back balances with the phone, electric and gas bills that would prevent us from switching over... a bit of a wreck...oh and a car that doesn't have brakes needs to move off this property if we were to move... anything that could be in the way, is in the way, and is making life harder! Hopefully, we can do it, and save money in travel expenses in the long run. Oh darn, I just realized no Market Basket in Manchester, I love that grocery store, things are so cheap there...that is one of the downsides, and the closest Jo-Ann fabrics is in Hooksett, and well there's just somethings I hate about Manchester that I appreciate Nashua for...like the poor timing of stoplights and the angering traffic in Manchester!! Nashua has a really awesome bus system, and Nashua is a great city to live in, voted many times as 'the #1 best place to live' in America!

Pattern success

2009-05-24T09:14:00.004-04:00

In my last blog I mentioned that I was going to be selling some items online thru a craft selling site. I can't wait to get the pattern that I've been looking for, geez its been something like 3+ years that I've been seeking out the pattern! I didn't even know what company or maker it was from however I knew what it looked like and I had to get my hands on it somehow! I scoured the internet looking on hundreds if not thousands of doll sites, even asking people if they'd ever seen the sort of thing I was looking for. It is a childhood doll that I still have, and wrote a blog on before about it. I just love this doll and have realized that this is a pretty rare one since I've been looking ALL OVER for the thing. It came out around the time that Cabbage Patch Dolls did and lucky for me this one has since long since been a treasured heirloom for me as it is a piece of work from my mother's hands! I do still have my first Cabbage Patch Dolls and I remember how much I wanted one (OH the drama!) And what my parents did to get me them in time for the biggest time of the year that revolves around toys....CHRISTMAS!!!! I remember that year, and the year and maybe it was one in the same, when I had my 7th or was it my 8th birthday party at Burger King-- and everyone kept it a surprise but Shane...where I received in a box my mom put together this rare one of a kind doll! This week I couldn't believe I stumbled upon an ebay auction where someone was selling some craft books on making clothes for Cabbage Patch Dolls and other similar dolls made at the same period, and low and behold, the first time ever I've seen the same doll of mine on the cover and printed ever so small were the names of the types of dolls on the cover of that craft book! I had to guess which one referred to my soft sculpt doll and there it was, I looked up the name on ebay to see if there was a pattern being sold for it...and the only one in my long 3 year search popped up!! I didn't care, the price for it could have been $500 and I would have had to have gotten it, but it was cheap and I snagged it before anyone else on the internet highway did!!!! I googled the name of these darlings and nothing, no, nothing popped up except the auction I won, there were similar names of the doll but it wasn't the very doll just the same name of other popular store-bought dolls that weren't nearly as cute as mine.
Before I found this gem, I went to the public library this week and took out all sorts of books on soft sculpt dolls and there were some nice patterns and I've learned new things that I didn't know before, and other doll making practices that I may want to get on doing too--polymer clay dolls sound like a whole lot of fun! I've always loved dolls and probably always will and why not get into a hobby that I love so friggin much! So in a few months, I hope to have some of these little cuties up for sale. I've began to make some other cute doll, more country style, I embroidered the faces of two dolls last night and love how those came out...so soon I'll be working on something I've been wanting to really do, with the pattern I really have wanted in the longest time, oh the excitement!!!

Before I got on the computer to write this blog, I expressed to Logan I was going to do the slightly abandoned dirty dishes, catch up on some housework when he was out with the kids, and here I am talking about dolls *smiling*.... He won't have my head or anything as he's not really like that but he'll wonder what I did while he was out and you know, whatever, the housework will always be there no matter if I get it done now or later. As we all know it will get messy again...but to save my marriage (LOL) I better get back to doing some of that before he comes back to find nothing got done...I got sidetracked aka "hog features" on the internet, this is something that doesn't have to do with the normal everyday stuff. Yeah there's other things on my mind but that's for another time, when I'm in such a mood, if I ever get to it!

A truth about Stuffed animals

2009-05-23T09:21:00.004-04:00

"Studies state that by playing with many different stuffed toys, the child will be more creative and imaginative by giving each toy a different personality and name. This in turn will help the child develop their social skills and confidence; which does not mean that toys will replace real people but in fact will help the child build confidence when meeting children.
Studies also state that children who play with stuffed and plush toys and those who play with general toys behave differently. Children with stuffed toys are seen to be more empathetic, less agitated and show good behavior to their parents and siblings. They also develop a very positive and confident attitude towards life."

This was found on a craft site that I'm soon to be selling on. Etsy.com
Our kids play most with stuffed animals and just as stated above they name their individual stuffed animals and often when they are getting along they play with them together, its sooo cute to see. They put in such feelings and emotions into their pretend play which is very adorable. Alina and Mertz both enjoy different animals we have more than your average bear. Eagle, cats, dogs, bears, turtles, monkeys, elephants, ewok, horses, boars; just about every kind of animal.

2009-05-02T09:26:00.007-04:00

I've been to the Doctor's and following up on my cholesterol levels I'm still in the high numbers. Its frustrating especially knowing that I've made some changes (I thought anyways) to my lifestyle. 1) I don't work 3rd shift 2) I am exercising at the gym (maybe need to get there more often) 3) been trying to watch what I eat and eat less in portions
But alas, it still isn't adding up to lowering my cholesterol. Family history is a bit against me as Dad has had a quad-bypass, and Grandma H. has had similar issues with her heart. So I'm unfortunately going on the same path and I'm really trying to turn it off course! The diet my DR suggested is the Mediterranean Diet and I posted this picture of a pyramid. I also added some garlic pills and cinnamon pills as they are both good in this department of need. Something needs to work. I've taken the fish oil pills and frankly, I think they suck! I really should take up eating fish a few times a week....as I never did like fish/seafood in my childhood, I do feel like I need to grow and expand my food choices if I'm going to get past this health dilemma. I am losing weight in all of this, which has been my goal for a long time.
Logan has reached losing 100lbs. His nutritionist said that he's off the charts compared to others when it comes to the ratio of how much lost in the time frame. This is just going so awesome. So many life changes for Logan, it's been the best thing! A renewal of life and change of the quality of living for all of us!! He's able to do soooo much that has made all of us so happy and certainly a good boost of self-esteem! I can't tell you in words how much it has changed life for us!
The kids are no longer worried for Logan and there have been less panic attacks and less fear all around. That calls for some cheers for sure, and its funny how some things have changed since the changes; I can now see clearly as to why things were the way they were.

2009-04-24T02:27:00.002-04:00

My van's exhaust pipe desperately needed fixing for a week now it has been a problem making that all too familiar exhaust pipe unfiltered sound! Oh the embarrassment around town and around. It has been frustrating just about every month since we've gotten this van we've had to dump more money into it...first the brakes, then some ignition coil, and today it was the entire exhaust pipe system (cause whomever fixed it the last time welded everything together so if one part fell off it was set up that the whole needed to be fixed!! NICE REallY NICE!! Do I have some other choice words that I must hold back!!) So the past week we've had some real fun with the situation, from scaring the pants off the toll workers, and doing my cat claw scratch in the air with a mean kitty face to a stranger as he's staring at me because the clamor HEHEHE! We even have in Nashua what we call the "Hobbit's Cave" Its just one of the town's hospital's drive thru parking garage you can get from one street to another by going thru two levels of garage and we scared the pants off of whomever was in there at the time with the loud echos of terror and the kids and I and Logan were all busting out laughing as we make the comments like "watch these people pee their pants as we scare them!" "Look at them run away as we approach them with our horrid sounding beast!" Well maybe not exactly these words as it is late and you get the picture; I mean we just made up all kinds of things that just got the kids roaring with laughter! For we only live for such a short time we must always find the good somewhere in our trials, right? Embarrassed as I was, it was funny how I could think of silly things to say as the loud noise poured out of the poor van. I'd step on the gas as hard as I might and the pick up was just terrible, and what a rumble!! I could ride my bike faster in a few seconds than the van could catch! Today it got fixed and no more rumble sound and no more Carbon Dioxide getting into the van....we always find the winners of cars, but somehow things work out in the end cause through it all I've learned that cars are nothing but the means by which to get you from point a to point b and that they don't have to be pretty(I've really always known this since I began driving since I never did have anything fancy). I can still wish of having a deluxe low mileage car that runs for many miles without repairs needed though.

2009-04-14T10:43:00.004-04:00

What do I care to tell the world today?! I may have some rants to get off my chest, watch out... my mother in law can't stop criticizing the behavior of the kids... I think she's really going overboard with her comments in front of the kids. Logan and them were out and Logan ran into the store real quick and Mertz stayed in the car with her and Alina, apparently while waiting Mertz unbuckled his seat belt and my mother-in-law told him to buckle up while hanging out in the car park. When Logan came back she was all in a kerfuffle saying how "Mertz is choosing Satan" because he won't buckle up his seat belt when she asked him to several times!! oh dear. Telling my kid that he's "choosing Satan" is sooo out of line!! Logan put his mom in her place and not to implicate that he's choosing Satan--good grief!! I just want to scream! And I love it when she leaves a message on my answering machine and says a 'swear word' under her breath in frustration and when the kids confronted her about it she denies it even when we all heard her! Talk about craziness!!! I hated being Mormon cause of all the impossible=to-keep commandments I call it plainly CONTROL and always feeling guilty and strangely enough she and her adult kids were the not-so-churchy people behind the scenes but to other members they were the good little sheep! I hated watching them live such a double standard and if I didn't sway to their contrary standards I was the 'out' person, so I swayed over I loved them and didn't want to be the all out churchlady- it was about family anyways but with the brainwashing over the years I used to get upset over it and I always felt guilty breaking the sabbath...were we choosing Satan??!! The Mormons would have me believe it! How can the Mormon church preach this stuff, how you shouldn't go anywhere fun on Sundays but the church was all about families?! Confusion for sure! I was not fond of the "keep the sabbath day holy" Lesson for primary when I had to teach it knowing later I'd be going to the market and going to the lake...I just tried to forget about it, and really how many of us have gone out and done an outing against the so-called teachings of God!
NOW I can allow myself to freely go out on Sundays to eat out, go to the grocery store, catch the first day of a sale, do whatever I WANT and not be tied down to what someone else will preach me to do on Sunday or any other day of the week and months and I'm not guilty anymore! I wonder if that's why as once a Mormon we liked General Conference so much or any conference where it was shorter or it didn't matter if we went or not for attendance purposes.... The gift of having free will has gotten me out of an unhealthy cycle month after month, week after week being told whether from the Mormon leaders or my internal voice saying 'your bad you didn't do (or did the unforgivable) such n such' oh the down talk I'd do to myself, beating up myself if I couldn't fulfill my Mormon church related responsibilities that often took me away from much needed sleep(when I worked 3rd shift) or from family. I could barely keep up with my household responsibilities wearing myself thin almost all the time! Or I'd be so depressed with all the down talking I wouldn't have any energy to get things completed around the house. I'm finding that since I've left, I'm not talking down to myself anymore. I'm not choosing Satan, thank you very much as I don't even believe in that! I am laughing and developing a deeper relationship with Logan and the kids and myself, seeking out the greater good within me and those around me-- oh and no longer do I have to internally say "they would make a perfect Mormon...how can I get them to join?" I may be thinking something else like plainly saying, 'that person is so nice!' Our friendship would have no strings attached just great times!

Here's a perfect example of even my feelings but someone wrote this from another site

day, Apr 14, 2009, at 07:53 AM
Post Mission Guilt
Posted By Anonymous
EX-MORMONISM SECTION 21 -Guid- ↑
From the day I left the mission field, until 20 odd years later, I felt guilt.

I always felt my mission was a failure, that if only I had worked hard every minute of every day, if only I had lived a perfect missionary life, if only I was more devoted to the people with whom I served, if only i had prayed harder, If only I had kept every mission rule, if only I was completely at one with every single companion, if only I had baptized more.

If only.

It wasn't until I discovered the authentic history of the Mormon church that I was set free. When I came across the actual verifiable cold facts of Mormon history, the truth set me free. Knowledge lifted a great weight from my mind and heart.

The Cult damaged my happiness for many years.

As a child, i always spent Saturday afternoon in bed, because I wouldn't toe the line at primary. It was a weekly punishment, inflicted on me by a typical Mormon mother who did her best, because she too was a victim of the Cult.

As a missionary and then in my post mission years, I was miserable.

Since leaving the Cult, I've discovered that prayer and meditation continue to produce results, if you want them to. Leaving the Mormon god, or I should say, the godless Mormon Cult, has set me free.

I am happier than I have ever been.

Goodbye to the post mission guilt.

Goodbye to all that shit.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

2009-04-03T00:13:00.003-04:00

I'm glad spring has officially arrived, this winter with cars has been maddening! One car my Hundai lost heat, took it in to get checked out and it was unplugged somehow. Then a couple days later our other car's heater/blower failed to turn on! Being short on money, we spent the entire winter with no heat in that car, frosted windshield with sunlight took on a frustrating drive and windows down most of the time, and extra blankets for the kids to keep warm! (we can laugh about it now--- it is one of those toughening your character experiences and swallowing your pride) The Hundai crapped out on us not long after the heater was working again, the engine was baaad so I had to give up my cute car. We ended up getting a van a few weeks later through a caring friend and later, the brake lines went last month, and got that fixed, the car with no heat then decided to have no brakes either and so it goes, neither cars were working properly for us last weekend cause now the van has some bucking issues that we took in to get looked at and they fixed an ignition coil but 300 bucks later the same problem is still going...the bucking!!! When will this crap end?? The car's brakes are waiting to be worked on its just that we can't afford it, so the car is sitting.... Our tax return has come and gone to pay for overdue bills... Just when we thought we were caught up, we fall again. But things I guess could be worse! I'm challenged in complex ways to live simply or simply live.

2009-03-18T12:23:00.005-04:00

This Video
and series of videos has been on my mind and this is as serious as a heart attack I feel we have to somehow as Americans have to WAKE UP and GET INVOLVED cause otherwise have extinction to what we are familiar with and what we know to be America. I believe in :live free or die: and am so enlightened by this video I had to share it to help educate anyone that I can!

2009-03-12T12:39:00.002-04:00

I just finished a nice grilled ham and cheese sandwich, how luscious and some crunchy carrots on the side. While I'm still going to the gym, I've lost only a few pounds. I think I need to pay more attention to the foods that I'm eating. Lately I've been eating out just to save me time, but if I planned out my day a bit better, I may have not have ate McD's or Taco bell or D'Angelo's or Pappy's Pizza. I'm a lover of the chicken, spinach, and Feta cheese calzone! I need to make some of that in my own kitchen! I'm also listening to some great music, its not mainstream, but its for meditation, and can even make for an at home great romantic dinner music. It has the quieting of the mind appeal which helps me to think "calm" in this worry-filled mind of mine;
"Only Reflection" by Aeoliah
"Loving Touch" "Waves of Light" "Journey into Light" by Deuter
I listen and find them on Playlist.com where I can look them up and make a playlist and play the songs off the computer which is free to all (I even have great 80's songs on another playlist collection, so whatever mood I'm in I pick it and play) and it plays in my living room and ...Oh no, I just realized I left something in the oven for too long!!! I have just rescued my garlic bread, a bit crunchy...but not burnt! Anyways, my relaxing music shuts out the world and lets me focus on what is. I feel lifted and renewed, even now as I'm listening to it. I feel like a little nap right now, on my only day off for about 5 days!

2009-03-06T23:58:00.002-05:00

After having a ridiculous conversation with a landlord to be, we're now unsure if we're going to be moving after all! These guys that we've been dealing with expect that without a move-in date that we're going to shut down our utilities in our current place before we move to the new apartment! And that 'it can take a week' to change over! I guess they think we are so new to this...and we say, no way, not so fast! Like I mentioned before we've yet to sign any papers, and until we do, nothing is final and nothing going to be transferred, such as the utilities, they can go pound sand! URGHH, the nerve of these guys! AND they are still listing the property even after they told us we've got it?! And if I search the address there's about 20 postings over a couple weeks time and the price of it varies between 50-60 dollars, so what's the rent anyways, they keep changing it! I feel like we're being scammed with these guys, things are just not normal, usually once the landlord says 'we'll take you' they give a move in date or ask when we'd like to move in, we sign papers and we go on our merry way to move...these guys say, 'you have the place, we need some copies of your pay stubs and driver's licenses and we'll get back to you in a couple of days' I mean what is that?? I just want to get on with the move if its going to happen, if not, than its back to looking again or we just stay put in Nashua.
Other than that life is always surprising us, or is it? I seem to know when something bad is going to happen, and the brakes on our van went completely the snowstorm before last, and I dangerously drove home on the e brake, the weather was a big help since not too many people were on the road at 11:30 at night and I slid 'cause it was snowing' yeah right, actually, my brakes were down to nothing, and that's just the truth, I put my foot all the way down to the floor and there's no brakes and the van still going, it was a miracle I got home surviving...there were a couple intersections I had to maneuver my good driving skills to stop even the E brake was having a difficult time! I am a tough cookie, lets see, in my driving experience I've driven in a heavy downpour rain storm with broken windshield wipers (we're talking no motor for the mechanism) for about 2 miles, and now I've driven with absolutely no brakes, I have been deviant In my adult life I've learned, sometimes you've got to do what you have to do and live dangerously! I've been an outlaw!

2009-03-04T14:19:00.002-05:00

I think I mentioned in my last post that we're looking to be moving back into Manchester. We looked at two places that we can afford, the first one that we saw was near our old apartment, in a crummy neighborhood, and well, the second we saw, which was our first choice, finally got back to us after playing phone tag, though the floor plan is very strange and uncommon, we much prefer the location and some of the extras that we will be getting, washer/dryer hook-ups, basement, fenced in yard to name a few...we also can have a cat, and that lights up Alina's face, and the school they would go to is one of the best in the city! The pros outweigh the cons in so many ways! The papers aren't yet signed and no moolah has been exchanged so it's not totally official yet, but we're getting there! We've filled out an application and were accepted and he'll be getting back to us in a few days. The floor plan is unlikable to many, but we are really going to have to be creative...so on one end of the house (front entrance) the landlord said that room would be a bedroom, no closet there, the next room (all doorways on the left side of the room, with a door) you walk next into what would be another bedroom (two closets) and the next room is the so-called living room with a kitchen in the next room and a bathroom off of the living room, there is no hallway just room to room to room and there's a back door out the kitchen, which isn't even big enough to fit a table, and the cabinet space is very little and speaking of little the stove/oven combo is mini too, however, there's a basement the full length of the apartment. We think we'll be making the front room to the living room, unfortunately peeps would have to walk thru the consecutive bedrooms to get to the bathroom and/or kitchen (or walk into a bedroom at the front door??), see my dilemma? so we're going to have to be creative, I'll say it again, a bad layout. I'm thinking of using 3 panel room dividers to make it work!

2009-02-28T00:11:00.002-05:00

After a couple of years we've decided it's time for a move again, closer to our jobs! It was a couple of years deciding against moving but considering it but didn't. We have halted all plans to go to England, it certainly will happen someday but apparently not now! We are moving back to our roots where we started out as a family, Manchester, good old Manch. We looked at an apartment where we'll be saving money, but unfortunately its not at all the best area of town, though all too familiar! Just 4 blocks from where we used to live before we moved to Keene! I want to live in another apartment that we saw an ad for but its been a hit or miss with the landlord, we get talking on the phone, and suddenly he cancels at the last moment. Knowing the location is nice, its quiet, and welcoming, much sweeter than the one we did get a chance to look at I'm quite disappointed. Unfortunately, we want to move pronto since we cannot really afford it in Nashua with the down turn Logan's work has taken! Frustrating as home seeking is, I know we have to do this! I really want the best for us, but some reason it feels like the best is out of my reach and that I'm getting 3rd class even though we are smart, intelligent, and wonderful people! But as most people will say, 'life is what you make of it'. So I'm sad, sad that we are doing so much yet not enough to pass the success of making it to England where a better life would be made if we could just get there! We've never asked for a lot, we just hope to make a living and make that living comfortable.

Studying the Earth and History

2009-02-18T21:15:00.002-05:00

So some books I've been introduced to reading about Earth/world history that's totally not mainstream, more like alternative history backed with factual info that is fascinating! One ginormous book is called "The Secret Teachings of All Ages" by Manly P Hall which is "an encyclopedic outline of Masonic, Hermetic, Qabbalistic and Rosicrucian symbolical philosophy being an interpretation of the secret teachings concealed within the ritual, allegories and mysteries of all ages" this book is huge in size and has very small print, some things I'm so blown away by, information that is deep and vast, this could take a lifetime to study all of its contents! From time to time, I get reading some and let it absorb me!
Another book I have begun to read is the "Lost Secrets of the Sacred Ark" by Laurence Gardner, so far it is shedding light on things in the bible that I'd not thought too much about that have been studied and researched in depth by the author and is quite enlightening even on a scientific level!
Okay you thought I was done with the book listings, nope, think again! I have begun reading "The End of Eden-The Comet that Changed Civilization" by Graham Phillips, again another book that explains a few wonders of the world such as Stonehenge to be specific, things that we never learned in school or church!
As you all know, I have changed out from the Mormon beliefs and really stretched my mind wide open for what else I'm to learn! Just to set the record, I still do respect you (though I differ to agree with the doctrine); you are who you are and in that, it makes YoU happy, and I hope for me, between us, things won't change much. In fact, I hope we can get together more since I am not strapped to any meetings, wow, what a relief in that alone! I hope that in time you can understand even though I may have a different path I walk I am LOVING, CARING and GRACIOUS and thankful each day for all the less traveled roads that have led me here, and I love life! I love you!

The Bell

2009-01-14T13:07:00.003-05:00

Last night I was reading a spiritual book. I was brought to a fullness of emotion so much so that I was weeping so beautiful in its nature. All alone in complete silence by choice, in a large house. The woman I was caring for was sleeping in a room upstairs. I was so absorbed in the book and very clearly a single bell sounded from another room. I believe it came from the very old Grandfather clock that sits quietly and never has it worked or shown signs of working. I tried not to feel scared instead I was trying to keep focused on the moment and not be influenced by what I've seen on TV when such things happen unexplained. I wanted to ask for it to make the noise again, but I couldn't muster up the courage, after all, I was all alone! On the digital clock closest to me it read 9pm when it happened. Whatever it was, I don't really know, another entity of some kind letting me know they were present.... I then turned to write about my experience. I was excited to tell Logan and now I'm sharing it! I have had a handful of experiences like this, it used to be a doll would fall off my headboard (more than once) when I mentioned mom, way back when I still lived at home b/4 I was married, and now this. I regard it as something friendly and positive!

*UPDATE* I found out finally what the bell really was, the dryer in the basement, and it really doesn't sound like a bell I'd hear coming from a dryer!! LOL!! And it doesn't always go off when running the dryer, strange huh?

Our pets

2009-01-10T12:53:00.006-05:00

Mertz got a fish tank for Christmas and in the following day or two later after setting up the tank, we then picked out the fish. We started out with two types of tropical fish of two of the same kind so that made 4 and then about a week later we got two black "cat fish". Right now they are all getting along. The two catfish swim upside down most of the time, which keeps us laughing! Sometimes they chase each other causing quite the excitement they absolutely haul! These tropical fish are like none than I ever had; they are much more animated and swim or they stay put in the same spot, how they do that I don't know. Another funny aspect of the catfish is we have this odd "conversational" piece in the middle that is a building and over the doorway it reads "The Church of Living Waters"--we got it at a yankee swap 2007--it was a hilarious gift! And now its being put to use as it was intended. The church is surrounded by the fake plants and the catfish either love to hang out inside the church or along its walls or they lounge around in the plant as if sleeping close to the tank floor with their tail and fins resting on the leaves, again unlike any fish I've ever owned, but they are Mertz's fish anyway, but they are all so fun to watch! We make funny jokes like the catfish are some black baptists, the other fish aren't as interested into going inside, occasionally they will they aren't as adventurous as the catfish!

Ice Ice Ice Everywhere

2008-12-14T06:54:00.006-05:00

Fortunately we are safe and sound, heat, electricity and everything is running for us. However there are many in my state who didn't get so lucky! A highway, my dad said, was closed for most of the day cause trees fell and trapped even the biggest rigs along the highway. Power is out and won't be fixed for even perhaps a week for some! My dad's roof got hit with a fallen (huge) tree branch! Good Grief life is hitting him hard these days, as with most people. I'm praying for some kind of end in sight. I'm laughing my head off watching "Little Britain" Laughing like crazy!

2008-12-02T02:31:00.002-05:00

Our offical papers came in the mail saying we are no longer members of the Mormon church. No lightening bolt hit me dead, imagine that! The feeling I have to live a decent life and never be cut down again is already wonderful. I won't be that "number" rather I can now be a person and serve the way I want to serve and not feel like I'm only doing it cause I have to as a part of some larger pretense. I've been sick of living in my hometown/homestate and live around an "out west" mentality, cause if I was from my own place it didn't matter, I wasn't good enough to be part of the built-in friendships. Everyone who lived in UT and moved to my homestate always stayed with their own kind and as the native of my homestate never felt like a part of that mold. I can now hang out with my own and feel a sense of pride of my heratige of my very own community of which I was brought up! I'm helping the poor, hungry just because I know its the Christian thing to do and cause there are hungry and poor out there that need my help, that's it! I don't have to answer any silly questions later about myself even if I should just be trusted, and many even lie about their life's work....its just wrong. I have a sister in law who has been prohibited from getting sealed in the temple because of her "file" from a few years ago even after she'd been thru a bishops court. I won't be a project, won't that be dandy! Once our names are off the charts, we have freedoms and that includes no more people stopping by to "check up" on us. That's great!

I'm NOT in a NICE MOOD

2008-12-02T02:07:00.005-05:00

I'm MAD. Holy cow what a crazy few days its been around the US of A. Okay so I hear on talk radio this morning Glen Beck talking about the woman who got trampled in a WalMart and who afterwards had a miscarriage, that's just unwarranted! Secondly, Glen B. was praising the guy who died trying to save that very woman's life! Glen was all so glad for the guy; he called it good news!! AND he'd be getting a big welcome at the pearly gates for such a good deed! Glen just rubbed me the wrong way when he said "the good thing only one life was taken (on black friday)" AHHHH!!! The death of a human (or two if counting the unborn) is at ALL EVEN A GOOD THING? over a SALE????? I'm discusted that even ONE life was lost, these things shouldn't happen over a sale of the flatscreen or the next gamebox! Material things just aren't worth losing a life over and to be trampled to death by! I have a severe problem with accepting this kind of thinking. I am outraged! I had to turn off the radio. Another crazy thing I saw on the news is people giving up their guns for plastic! WTF??? Guns are a tool. Where are these people's brains? Guns are being handed over just so that the past gun owner can get holiday shopping money. I've never heard of such a thing. We are as americans willing to give up our right to bear arms over shopping for the holidays. My second amendment right will always be my pride and joy. I'll die first if ever anyone were to come and take away that god-given right to be my own protector. I have freedom and personal protection from the use of my beautiful tool! And people want to give their guns up again over some materiel possession. I am just shocked, utterly friggen shocked.

Being it this time of year

2008-11-25T09:22:00.004-05:00

This is a great time of year to reflect on all that I'm thankful for. There is just so much that has gone on in my life this year which has stretched me and made me more of who I am! I have approached this time of year with reflecting on my past and of this year and am thankful for ALL that has come! I am thankful for many years of marriage to my extraordinary husband and knowing the people who I know and have known along this journey. I am thankful for my children who show me a great deal of love, forgiveness and patience every day!

There is a God and I am constantly seeing his work in my life, blessing me in many ways throughout this year! Jesus Christ is my Saviour....I do all I can to follow Him and His teachings. While I care for the frail and broken-hearted; those who cannot care for themselves I feel it is indeed an honor even to dedicate my work to Him! I love Him, I love his teachings and the wonderful sacrifce he made for me, for who am I to be so deserving?

I have so many ideas of what more to write but I'm short for time. I had an idea of something else to write but it left me. I hate that when that happens! One new set of news is Logan is finally getting his lap band Dec. 1st so this will be his last Turkey Dinner as he knows it and he'll be dropping the weight and hopefully relieve his backpain issues as time persists. One last funny note, when Logan explained he was getting the operation to the kiddies they said "oh so you'll be skinny?" meaning after the operation is over. Ummm no. "oh so in a couple of days you'll be skinny?" nope. Then Mertz resorted to "in a few weeks." Well, it will happen slowly week after week but in about a year or more, and to them that's just too long of a time to wrap their heads around right now. Logan and I plan on taking pictures of his transformation!

LG* Life is Good*

2008-11-11T23:48:00.003-05:00

Besides being called fat, pig, homely, and other unwarranted verbal attacks by one of my clients, I'd have to say that I've found my dream job! No longer do I answer incessant call bells and deal with multiple needs of different people at once, running like a chicken with her head cut off AKA nursing home atmosphere, instead I'm more "at home". Quite like a home away from home, except I'm not paying the bills! I tend to needs of one client in all 8hrs and have little to no contact with anyone else except a phone call here or there. Its quiet and restful with little to no stress--just what I need!! Tonight was extremely laid back! My client slept most of the evening 4-11pm with two or three interruptions that only lasted maybe 20min altogether of talking with this person and helping with immediate personal care. This person didn't want dinner or a snack so it was a real easy, relaxing evening for me. My only complaint was I forgot the popcorn while watching TV! But this job does not come without its hangups, like should I read or should I do some emboridery instead, Haha!! Reading on Obama just makes me want to puke, why did people vote for this moron?

So to change the subject on what else is new in life, the religion thing. Dad gave us his blessing and told me that he never forced the LDS church on us, and he added that at the time it was what he thought would be the right thing to do. Uum, why did we have to get up for seminary all those mornings or church? Well I did skip out on many mornings of seminary but I remember the raging "get up", I mean seminary's timing couldn't have been any worse---I'd not get to bed until 11-12am after having worked and homework, then have to get up at 4 or 5am to do church stuff?? As a teenager it was so ridiculous with the sleep the body needs as a growing teen-the church is out of their friggen minds "oh, but it will make you strong, or I remember all the kids saying they had 'a better day' because they went to seminary! Wait, everytime I went to seminary it was the complete opposite, it was always a bad day and when I didn't go and got some decent sleep it was a more producive day for me, to me it makes perfect sense!! Okay so I don't know if I buy the whole "didn't force it" thing but its all behind me now and I'm who I am. I am very fortuanate to have a parent who "gets it" and I don't have to live my life as some ex-mormon whose family bombards me with saying "you didn't have a true testimony" or "you just didn't have enough faith" or "satan has grabbed a hold of you and led you astray" Ummmm that's just poppycock!! My Mother In Law totally believes it was the latter comment of why Logan and I have left. Typical reaction. Appearently there's a sin with questioning any doctorine that goes against any reasoning. One guy in sunday school class (prime example of a complete and utter lack of intelligence here) stated that if science said humans have 5 senses and the prophet said that we had 8 he'd listen to the prophet than listen to scientific fact!! WHAT!? Logan has told me of many instances while in the church of stuff like this coming up. Fact is fact and God deals with absolutes and absolutes alone, he doesn't change! And if God doesn't change than why has the church? Ask anyone who has been in a recent temple ceremony the past few years and in one before 1991, the ceremonies have changed!! I have changed and now, Life is Good, LG my initials hehe!!

Pray before you vote today

2008-11-04T01:21:00.002-05:00

I hope today goes well with voting and everything. I really am afraid that the worst guy for us all is going to win that being Obama, he's such a communist!! Did his grandmother really die or is it another sick tactic to have peeps sympathise to go and vote for him...I know that's one of the sickest thoughts yet to come from my head, but these guys are making me sick and will make us sick once they get into office...higher taxes, a mislead nation that it is already, I have no faith, but I'm going to vote anyways so I have grounds to complain, cause Like they say, you don't vote you can't complain!!! Isn't that the truth!! Pray before voting, that's all I've got to say and let God Lead us through these difficult times!

2008-10-28T14:10:00.004-04:00

A new job, a new church, my life is changing in a new direction! I am now employed doing homecare through a company that is small that began in NH. I cant tell you much about my client but she's rich and that she is also a "bad word" that rhymes! Heehehee. Old and MEAN! She is why I was hired and right now she isn't too trusting of me. Time will manifest itself once I go there often enough. I started last week so its really too soon to tell.
Our new church is nondenominational and so far we have enjoyed the lessons/sermons. The music is very upbeat and everyone worships God and Jesus in singing praise in their own way but respectfully of those around them. I used to sit in my old church and think how boring it was just sitting and then imagining a more modernized church where people sway and rock out in a church chapel...I used to laugh about my imagined scene especially if old people "rocked out" too! Well my image has come true!! We have a live band singing and old and young people swaying and singing, some swaying with their grandkids in their arms singing the praises, I LOVE IT!! I feel I'm in the right place.

Free to worship as I see fit

2008-10-20T21:20:00.003-04:00

I would just like to start out this evening or at the moment you are reading this to know that Logan and I after much study and much thought, prayer and much questions for almost the entire duration of our marriage, have come to the point that we can no longer live as MORMONS and instead live CHRISTIAN. We have been inclined to submit our cancellation of our membership in the Church because we can no longer live in what we have studied is a lie. We have had some problems with some things and no answers that make sense when they try to answer. Logan and I have been in some situations that have made our jaws drop. Experiences of people needing help and who were not members and the help was denied! I thought if we were christians we'd help those in need regardless!! The story goes like this: After church one Sunday, Logan and I were lingering around getting things together and we were one of the last ward members in the building with the Bishop and some other high positioned people who have access to money. A couple came in off the street, had a car that was out of gas and were asking for some money cause they didn't have any with them. They were directed to some of the "higher-ups" and none of them offerd any money cause it was Sunday!! Logan and I at this particular time lived in Keene with a very small income and after we saw these people get turned away cause they needed a hand Logan handed them $20 which was probably all we had for the next couple of days or even the week for that matter!! I mean come on!! It's not about the money it was about what we've always been taught, help your fellow man regardless of what DAY it is! That blew me up! I was upset and Logan was not impressed with how that was handled by the other men but Logan was a man and did what Jesus would have him do. And if Jesus wouldn't have him do it than who would? I'm sorry but turning your back like that is so hypocracy!! That was one example of the start of how some questions of the church came up. Or was it? I remember hating parts of church as a young person. I was, as many, expected to do a lot of memorizing, a lot of "work" to become recognized and if I didn't succeed in that "work" I wouldn't get that special recognition and end up feeling lousy about myself. I wasn't lazy, but I was interested in doing other things. I've found some good things and what those are I'll remember always. Not all my days in the church was all a waste but I have to let go of things that have upset me and some things have hurt me or my dear family and you know if its you if you read this. I have now come to realize some things are not always what you want them to be. And for me, I wanted to know that what I believed was true, but in our study (Logand and I) we found a much different story and the light of my eyes at first dimmed but are now sparkling and I'm feeling relieved....below is an article of how the church is so controlling that I (and my family) HAD to get out of!!
http://www.mormoncurtain.com/
The five controls of Mormonism is something I thought of to try and explain the psychological stranglehold LDS puts on its members. I tried to think of the ways in which LDS exerts control over one's life. Here are a few.

1)Social Control Part of the insidiousness of Mormonism is due to the clannish culture of every ward. Every one is privy to every one else's business. If a member has some transgression he or she is trying to "repent" of, most members will find out through ward gossip or simply notice the offending member is not "partaking of the sacrament." All this serves to promote a climate of fear of humiliation. People are afraid of what other ward members would think of them. This serves to keep all the TrueBelieving Mormons (TBM) in line. The brethren definitely condone this behavior. ( I remember when my mom was dying and it was always 'how's your mom/dad?' or something like that I'd wanna hide and dodge the crowd cause it wasn't their business and if they really wanted to know, why didn't they just call the house and ask???)

2)Time Control LDS controls time by keeping the membership busy at all times. Indeed, time is the enemy. Most TBMs are extremely busy with their callings, home teaching, church meetings, ward activities, and the spare time they are able to spend with their families. This busyness serves to prevent the membership from too much thinking. Members are too busy to question or research the claims of Mormonism. Even if they have a few doubts, they are much too busy to entertain those doubts. Also, everything is an emergency in Mormonism. Commitments must be made NOW. Don't stew on things for too long or Satan might get a hold of you. Don't procrastinate the day of your repentance... You must do it NOW!

(spare time is right! My mom lived at church, I decided not to make it so much my home and kept my distance as much as possible and some callings I've had were all meetings, meetings, meetings!!! not fun.)

3)Emotional Control LDS also exerts emotional control through manipulation. Create a climate of fear and guilt. We can all remember the great guilt heaped upon us by "The Miracle of Forgiveness." This book has done much psychological harm. This is part of what is taught repetitiously to all the membership. OBEDIENCE is the #1 rule of it all. Every GeneralConference, every member will be reminded of how they aren't good enough. Their not doing enough missionary work, their not home teaching, their not reading the scriptures enough, they are not doing well in their callings. This all creates a general level of anxiety... Elohim is never pleased...Remember, the saints were driven from Missouri because they weren't good enough.

(they had me emotionally; there have been some bad days that my depression really was stemmed from how not good of a mom, or wife I am because I listened to the voices that said I won't be blessed or not a good person if I don't "fill in the blank" any of those above! And then to have people come by my house and check up on me AHHHH!)

4)Financial Control Tithing is expounded on in many meetings. The intangible blessings of heaven are promised through paying your 10%. Blessings are the Carrot.The Temple Recommend is the stick. Imagine the pain one will go through not being able to see their child's temple wedding because they didn't pay their 10%. Another way of using the climate of fear to manipulate the membership.

5)Relationship Control The strive to be an "eternal family" is constantly reinforced to the members. If you aren't worthy, you won't be with your family forever. Even after the sealing, members are constantly in fear that they might not be good enough to keep their eternal family together. LDS becomes the middle man in family relationships. This is the insidious nature of LDS. These are a few of the controls that LDS utilizes to its full advantage. These controls contribute to much psychological harm. It can be extremely difficult to make the exit out. The only way to break these controls is to distance yourself as far away from it as possible.

I can't tell you how my life has been...all the anxiety...all the guilt...all the busybodies I cannot stand it! My life cannot go on in the insanity of rushing around doing all that was expected of me AND working full time, 11-7a none the less and try to be awake for visitors or going visiting with people I hardly know or trying to pay tithing when I barely even have enough to give cause what I'm giving is enough for a bill that's been overdue for a month that needs to be paid asap, or whatever, it was fear in my case also with the article as it states....I didn't like feeling controlled or the fact that people really could and did lie about their worthiness to enter inside a temple!
Life has a way, God has a way of leading us. Just like Adam and Eve wasn't supposed to eat from the tree of good and evil, they did, and was it wrong or was it right? And I wonder once you make a covenant, is it made to be broken for the increase of one's soul? God would never lie or give a commandment I couldn't keep so is Mormonisim man made or what? And I have wondered why in all history has there been not one coin, not one artifact or bone found from the Book of Mormon times--even a true map? At Hill Cumorah if there was such that big battle there, why hasn't there been one remains of a body found of that last battle or any other battles?? The internet has helped me to see! I do however believe the Bible has a lot more truth, we have maps of where things happened and they still exist today, we can go there and visit, we can walk where Jesus walked we can enter into its history in a very physical way and many religions also deem those places as Holy Land. So Logan, the Kids and I are on a new journey, study the Bible and live our lives more fully, heck, I like to shop on Sunday, and I'm not going to have some church tell me how to spend my money and maybe I won't go hungry or have another bill overdue
I found a video of a lady who I can relate to on her change and questions from being born into a 4/5 generation mormon family to leaving the church. Like myself, as she states its my heritage, not my beliefs. So if you have read this long post to here, I have not sinned and that is why I'm leaving, but only that Logan and I are fed up with all the dogma surrounding the church and the controlling factors as stated above that have caused even tension in my heart. I still Love Jesus and wish to exemplify Him in my life. Logan and I have found a new non-denominational church to attend which has a beautiful mission statement and is one that will allow us as a family to come closer to Jesus and without fears of being burned if you don't pay tithing...cause there are a lot of good people in the world, do you really think God will save only Mormons in the last days?? I have met some nicer people, more Christian people in my life than some Mormons.

What a DAY!

2008-10-10T19:56:00.003-04:00

I'm looking for a new workplace--I no longer desire to be working 11-7am! Hopefully I can find a better place to work. The LTC center I was working in has been one of the worst in the state of NH! They will get theirs one day!!

Fall is here to creep us out

2008-10-09T21:14:00.002-04:00

I went for a free tanning session today on an invitation from my sister in law who now works at a tanning salon in Nashua. She showed me around cause I've never done this before and its a new job for her so she needed someone to use to get used to her new job. I only went in for 3 min and already in the first minute or so I felt like I was crisping in my face!! It will take a couple more tanning sessions (if I choose) to get tan. The tanning cream she gave me to use was so gross smelling that reminded me of some medical procedure I had once that made me uneasy...however my mother in law said she loved the smell! To each their own! UCK!

I also want to write about something that Logan did last night with his sister the same one mentioned above. Renee, Logan and Feyd (our nephew 22yrs old) all went out last night to go UFO sightseeing near the Merrimack River near to Hudson. There has been a lot of activity there in the past years. So they went, I stayed home with the kids who were worried about Logan being gone knowing he'd have to walk thru some woods to get to the sightseeing spot but everything was okay. Nothing happend there and Logan told me Renee switched gears and said, that they should go ghost hunting! So they took off to a graveyard about 2 miles from our house at around 8pm where its now dark out. Logan said they pulled into the graveyard far enough in that the cars couldn't be seen from the road in case the cops were out due to curfew of dusk. Logan said he crossed the road to start walking around and immediately saw a darkend figure of a man stand up from his grave and start walking away from him! They just arrived!!! THEN Logan told me how he saw other things as did his sister and nephew. Logan said that there was another dark figure peeking out from behind a gravestone blocking some light that was coming from one of those all night glowing lamps! OMGoodness!!! Logan said his heart was racing and demanded they get out of there, and Renee wanted more and wanted to go further in and already had walked in about 50 yards. Then they also saw a man or woman leaning up against their gravestone! It was enough for Logan and Feyd to make thier hair on their arms stand on end however Renee wanted to go near where the children were buried. Logan didn't like that idea and said "we need to leave now!" practically crapping themselves Feyed was also begging his mom to go and she agreed. Logan and them went for a short trip to a restaurant to calm down after that excitement! Logan came home and mind you it was close to me leaving for work and he told me all of this still tweaking about what he had seen and concluded he'd seen many things in his life and now has seen it all! And was saddend that I now had to leave him to be alone for the night. Sometimes he can be a big baby! He actually did sleep all night without any problems. And I was driving to work imagining the whole thing. I was thinking if I was going to survive work cause I work in long darkend corridors while everyone sleeps. There is minimal lighting along the floors and occassional room lights still on but sometimes one can get scared in my place nonetheless. The nurse's station isn't dark its lit so we can do our paperwork so its not all dark all night. Anyways, Logan now wants me to join in their ghost hunting efforts at night to other cemetaries, I have such an interest but also such reserve! I guess there are a few in southern NH that have had some creepy discoveries/hauntings!!!!

I hope you dont smell smoke--EVER!!

2008-09-16T14:34:00.001-04:00

Today I was home (usually home sleeping from the night's work) but I was home last night so I was awake doing dishes, washing the floor, mending some clothes (seriously I was!!) I sound like a 1930's wife!! LOL Logan was also home doing his thing before he heads off to his afternoon work. We live in a building with 5 other apartments and today we were the only ones in the building after a time. I had gone out to my car to get something and as I passed by one of our fellow neighbors' apartment I could hear what to me sounded like a loud beeping alarm clock. I thought maybe they were taking a nap and didn't hear the alarm clock or had set it sometime before and forgot to shut it off so that it wouldn't go off the next day...I'm sure we've all owned a loud alarm clock and know the story. After passing it a second time, coming back in, maybe they are in the shower or in the bathroom unable to shut the alarm off. All sorts of things were running thru my mind but did a fire run thru my mind? yes, but the alarm wasn't that convincing for it to be a fire alarm. It did smell like something was faintly burning but people burn stuff here and there and it wasn't a long time that I had gone downstairs and back inside again. Then, say, twenty or so minutes passed or less from the time I had come back in my apartment till Logan to leave to work. As we said our goodbyes he opened the door into the hallway and said it was smelled of something burning and get downstairs, Quick! So I took the phone down with me and we called the landlord, and told her we'd be calling the Fire Department next. I knocked on the door, yelled thru their open window, and nobody answered, and that dumb alarm sitll going off!! Nobody's car that belonged to anyone else in the apartment was around so we were the only ones who were home/inside the building!!! The Fire Department came and one of the guys jumped thru the open window and the next thing we saw was a pan being handed over smoking from being left on the stove! We waited outside. Soon our landlord arrived and she later came over and told us in addition to the stove being left on, that there were unattended lit candles in the house!!! I am so angry that this neighbor of mine would put us all under such a fire danger!!!! I don't want to know what would have come of our home if we hadn't been home!!! Truly, it would have been devistating knowing how fast this building would have gone up due to the age of our building!
I almost could have lost my home today because of someone's negligence on these matters. A stove, I think we all do leave things on by accident here and there, but candles.... it just isn't right!I hope this helps to remind everyone to keep the Fire Department off your doorstep and in the near holidays coming up, remember that we can prevent these situations by being more careful with cooking and with candles!!!

Hostess and on Vacation

2008-08-21T18:17:00.003-04:00

I have been away for a while as I have been on the go! I have to start by thanking my sister and her family for helping me out tremendously with my getting things ready for Matt and Suzie from England to arrive. I was overwhelmed but have realized that sometimes one person cannot do it all but with the help of others it can become easier. I was humbled and very much appreciative of the support.

After the cleanup Matt and Suzie arrived and the home was warm and welcoming. We had many laughs and many jokes that never ceased! I think my favorite times were when Matt sang my name in a sing-song way LeeeeaAHH Whaha ha ha ha ha! The kids would chime in with Matt and I got the kids singing it but I don't think I got Matt on video singing it, it was more of a wake-up call when I was sleeping while during the day cause I still did work while they were here. Then Matt also in a opera deep stern voice make his wife's and my name sound again quite funny. SUZ-ANNE..LEE-AH.. it was cracking us up! Logan was coined "the one with the bad back" I don't even want to say what my name was as it pertained to my nurse job.... I laughed none the less! We visited the Salem witch museum and was disappointed that we spent $8 per person on something quite lame, so that became a joke, that the 'witches' were onto us! So basically anything that happend "bad" it was the witches fault and Suzanne and Matt or Logan and I would point it out by talking in a witch voice saying "the witches are ..." it was always a good way to overcome the situation at hand. Also Matt has a second identity he calls (English) Horse and Logan jumped on it back in England and named himself American Horse and the wives are the Ponies I being (American) Pony and Suzanne (English) Pony and that was another way of referring to one another. Mertz took guitar more seriously as he had a lesson with Matt. Matt taught him the beginning of the James Bond theme and another Smoke on the Water by Deep Purple. There's something about having someone other than Pa teach guitar that makes Mertz want to do it more seriously. Alina got along with the sillyness of the pair but kept to her shy self! Then concerts at the end of the week of their stay came quickly and the kids had sleepovers and I was helped tremedously again by family. I was saddend when our friends had to go as we are still talking about moving to England so that it may happen in this lifetime!!

Next onto our Vacation. I had some good days and I had some bad days on our vacation to disney. It was frustrating from the moment we met our new rental car. Our luggage and wheelchair didn't all fit so we had to ask for some help. And we had to have more help dragging it all. I was lucky that we weren't alone on this trip otherwise I certainly would have needed a vacation from the vacation, although it came pretty close to feeling that way as it was! I gave Logan my all, and my worst. I started off being a poor wheelchair driver and dealing with a "backseat" driver having him tell me to watch out from this or that or let everyone go in front even though we had more of the right of way...it isn't easy stopping on a dime with a heavy fella you use the same muscles going as you do stopping. My job has tons of wheelchairs but mind you its not as crowded as Disney nor are there hills at work to meander on. So I thought wheelchairs were fine for the trip! HA! I was also frustrated with the wheelchair's front wheels not going straight so when it was time to go it wouldn't! Frustrated as I was, I was determined to keep my cool, but I admit I lost it a few times in the heat with a chair that wouldn't go and a husband that criticized my driving, it was a making for a bad time. My daughter then lost her purse, we almost lost Mertz, we didn't have a road map the night we took a wrong turn in Florida, a few days later I helped a woman which in my moment of chaos was able to pause and see that I needed to help her in her time of need-she was alone at Disney looking for the Pirates of the Carrabean, later, we found Alina's purse, we used the motorized scooters which ended up being better for me, Mertz was not lost, we were there for one of our family members who needed our help, we enjoyed eating at the Golden Corral with our big family! Things started to come together and I was then able to feel like I was on vacation after all! We headed back for the airport escaping a tropical storm-what timing! Hopefully after Logan's operation his back won't be as painful for him and we can go on living putting all the wheelchairs behind us!!

Effects of Nursing on my life

2008-07-15T10:58:00.007-04:00

I just was reading a newsletter that I get periodically from NH Nurses.org and in it they published an article that was originally put out by The Center for American Nurses. The article is titled "Personal and Career Conflicts: Effects on Well-Being"
Wow, finding that link saved me some time cause I wanted to quote some and comment on some. The first thing is about shift work! I work third shift aka Graveyard Shift and here's what they had to say about that "Studies indicate that working the evening shift is associated with striking differences in home life than working the day shift. Women's evening shift work results in re-gendering the divisions of household and childcare tasks. For example, fathers whose wives work evening shifts will spend more time with their children and do more 'feminine' household tasks than those whose wives work day shifts." I must be one of the few whose husband takes almost no part in doing the "feminine" work!! But I do have to say he does spend a lot of time with the kids in times that I need sleep. But the chores, it all lays on my shoulders people! Getting the kids off to school, laundry, cooking, lifting heavy objects, bring up all the groceries up to the third floor apartment, I DO IT ALL!! But it's not because my dear hubby is lazy oh no no no no!! He's got hip/lower back problems degenerative disk disease that don't enable him to move like he used to. Its been about 5 or so years that it has been affecting him.

"Women who work evening shifts report significantly higher work-family conflict than do day shift workers (Barnett, Gareis & Brennan, 2008; Barnett & Gareis, 2007; Presser, 2003). Conflict at home related to work expectation--does this resonate with your work-family experience?" My Answer is that sometimes working the overnight sure does put a damper on some aspects of life. Also the article went on to say, "The flexibility and variability of working hours appeared inversely related to health ! and psycho-social wellbeing: the most favorable effects were associated with higher flexibility and lower variability. Physical work, age, and flexibility were found to be the three most important factors affecting health and well-being. Flexibility was reported as the most important factor to influence work satisfaction; the second to affect family and social commitment and the ability to do the same job when 60 years old, as well as trauma, overall fatigue, irritability, and headache; and the third to influence heart disease, stomachache, anxiety, injury, and the feeling that health being at risk because of work. Variability was the third most important factor influencing family and social commitments. Furthermore, shift and night work significantly influenced sleep, digestive and cardiovascular troubles, as well as health and safety at work. Time pressure also showed a relevant influence, both on individual stress and social life. Workers who reported control of these variables had positive consequences related to coping strategies as evidenced by "feeling to be able to work until 60 years of age" That's a lot of truth in that! Remember I was having high levels of cholesterol-was working 3rd shift to blame? obviously sleep...my social life...oh my..I am out of any social scene outside of family, and its part of my own choice but also part of who I don't have for friends! I rarely commit to any kind of social happening especially thru church cause there's some nights that they hold an event and I am deadbeat tired that I choose bed/sleep instead, or I forget because I'm so tired! Trying to have anyone come over is another feat, if my house is falling apart, which it often does, than I avoid it at all costs cause that brings stress on me also! And for a good example our friends from England are coming in 3 weeks and I've already started to clean hoping the house will STAY CLEAN with kids its close to impossible unless we are paying close attention and follow them with picking up after themselves.
One more quote "How are you doing with so many "balls in the air?" Is your juggling of all of these conflicting roles and expectations taking a toll?" I try not to let my complicated life get to my head and I cope well with all that has been going on, however I've had my cracking moments! Also there are evidently some lack of sleep worrying about all that was left undone outside my bedroom door, as I try to keep my bedroom a place of rest and peace and try to keep even the world out of my house but life sometimes gets the world in somehow! I'm reminded of a last verse of the song Scripture Power"I'll wear each vital part of the armor of the Lord, and fight my daily battles, and win a great reward". I know that what I'm doing is the right thing right now for us, however I don't want it to last forever!!!

I'm making babies (hahaha)

2008-07-13T07:47:00.007-04:00

I'm a bit new to the doll making scene. I've made a bear and a bunny in my sewing past and loved making them! I came across dinkybaby.com and thought that my mom had a pattern once to make these dolls but as it turned out its not the same but the patterns are similar and so I bought a couple to make. I got the "dinky baby doll" and I finished making her last night! Her head is a bit cone shaped but it is supposed to come out more rounded. (the group I'm on talks about making these dolls say you get better as you make more) I'm unsure if we are going to add any hair but that can hide the conehead!! I can make these and sell them according to the copyright rules and many others are making them to sell at craft fairs and doing really well with these dolls! I also love dolls in general so here are a couple other links of soft dolls
www.bebe-babies. com--these look so realistic
http://www.mothergoosedolls.com/clothdolls.html--she has a nice collection of funny hair on her dolls. Also I like her Raggety Ann who looks much like the original (I'm picky about how my Anny looks)
My doll I made, made out of skin colored flannel different fabric that's suggested so mine looks very different from the "dinky babies" but its encouraged to try other fabrics other than the velor that's mentioned on her site. My next doll is going to made from polyester like the fabric Stacy down below is made from.
Mom's doll that I have that she made me is still so cute and I've gotten a lot of complements on it and even its condition for her age which is now 25yrs old!!! (below)

New links I've added

2008-06-22T22:53:00.004-04:00

So I've posted here-------->
some new pages of Logan and his myspace sites that include much of his own compositions that he's recorded the second listing is of a recording of his old band that really had a tight sound and great material for a record deal (which we hope someday will happen) and even some hit songs--listen for yourself if you don't mind the music doing the "talking" for itself. The first listing is really a preview of an upcoming CD and two original pieces that Logan has written for flute and guitar. The woman should be me in those pictures but so goes the life of a musician! I teased Logan bad how I'd like to crop myself next to him in some cute little dress too! Nothing really, but I will say that she's Alina's flute teacher. And one more item of funny business with this flutest; at a yankee swap at a party we attended with about 50 other people, she ended up with one of our silly gifts of a garden nome bending over pulling his pants down so you could see its behind LOL!!!! She owns it somewhere in that farmhouse of hers!

Our Drive In movie Experience

2008-06-20T14:00:00.003-04:00

Went to the Milford Drive in for the first time together as a family and the first time in an extremely long time for both Logan and I-- in fact I don't even think Logan and I even went before kids--EVER! When we went it was on their celebratory weekend of being in business for over 30 years. Many things on the menu were priced at .50 things like hot dogs, small popcorn, Slurpee's, and well I don't remember the rest but the list wasn't that long compared to what they serve. But hey where can we go and get a hot dog again for that kind of price? Alina and I stood in line for about an hour just to get our snacks/hot dogs and drinks. As you can imagine everyone was flocking to the snack stand before the movie started. And even the line to the bathrooms was unbelievable! Another 15 minutes for the girls room and no waiting for the boys room. We saw Kung Fu Panda and the other movie was the new Indiana Jones movie of which we didn't stay for (I was upset to find out that the auxiliary on the ignition wasn't working without it beeping without end so we actually had to put the battery/starter on which is a no no unless you want to drain the battery) Needless to say I was a bit ticked off cause I was looking forward to see Harrison Ford's sweet bod on the silver screen (and I don't care if he's old!!). Otherwise it was truly a new movie experience for everyone--oh and not to mention it was the hottest weekend on record so of course we were somewhat miserable without indoor air conditioning and Logan vowed we wouldn't be doing this again. Live and learn. I'm glad we did it anyways for the memories and for the funny movie of Kung Fu Panda. experience

Smile

2008-05-28T19:19:00.005-04:00

I'm looking forward to next week cause I'm going with Alina with her first grade class to Stone Zoo! I was chosen out of a hat to be a chaperone with four other parents from Alina's homeroom, I guess there were about 7 parents out of 5 that volunteered. Alina was hoping that I could go, so inevitably she's thrilled I'm going and luckily its even on my day off so I CAN go! Logan plans on keeping Mertz home and they will spend the day golfing after Logan gets a home visit from the nurse. It was about a week ago that Logan went in for a sleep study and they automatically told him after the study that he's going to need a C-PAP machine to help him sleep better at night. His oxygen levels go way too low and he stops breathing at least 30 times in a 2 hour period! I believe it cause I've been home and have watched him sleep and its scary and I knew he needed a machine due to my line of work, I have some knowledge of these matters. Its true that if he continued to go without a machine, he could die in his sleep for lack of breathing! The nurse is going to set up the machine for Logan and show him his settings etc. The machine forces air into the airway to keep up the oxygen levels. It shouldn't be for life, just until he loses the weight sometime after his surgery. Again he will go for another sleep study and he will (hopefully) not need it thereafter.
I have been unable to lose much weight lately, am I lazy? Living on the third floor with walls and ceilings and floors that are from 1960's not so soundproof and movement proof, so my neighbors downstairs will not like me jumping around, dancing, excercising cause that's all they would hear. I even hate yelling cause the whole place can hear it! I have a bike now but its transporting it to a safe area that's a pain! I have my excuses, its dumb, I know.

This weekend, I want to say Sunday morning, Alina was looking out our living Room window where we can see the busy intersection on our corner lot and she was particularly looking at the birds who like to flock on the power lines along the streets. One bird, who we now have named "Mr. Trouser" has got a unique home he lives in a space over the top of the red light on the stop light on the corner of Pine and Lake Streets. He was, as Alina said "Spring Cleaning" his home cause almost every time he'd pop out of the top of the light fixture he'd spit out some twigs, grass, straw, whatever is making his home uncomfortable. We pulled out the binoculars and even got a closer look of him , but not that much closer he's close anyways. Logan, the kids and I laughed cause he's like us; he lives on the "third floor" of the stop light. I've never seen a bird have a home in the stop light but this one must have a cap missing off the top of it and he just hops down in the hole and comes out and watches the busy of the area. Just about the entire stop light top is covered in bird doo doo. I guess he's marked his spot so other birs know its taken! Mr. Trouser is our nice neighbor for the summer who sings a gleeful song each day outside our window!

Life as a Nurse

2008-05-17T09:34:00.003-04:00

Last night I was working the graveyard shift as I faithfully do...and at the top of my shift I greeted the other nurses and LNA's and they told me that one of our residents had just died. Our job before the undertaker comes we have to make the body presentable combing hair, washing face, and so on and the bed made nice with clean linen. The girls did that before they left, however they mentioned another soul was about to leave their mortal existence as well and to keep an eye on him. I did, I would walk by the room every hour to check if he was still breathing, and most times he was! This poor man had been a bit difficult in his short time with us. He was pulling on tubes that were not supposed to be pulled, he was always undressing himself and frustrated and in a ton of pain even with painkillers, trying to crawl out of bed. He sometimes fought with the nurses in physical combat, but with me he was for the most part cooperative.
So the undertaker came for the first man who died, I have dealt with deaths before but for some reason this time I was feeling sad even to tear up. It was just a bit strange when I helped the undertaker and another nurse to transfer the body from the bed to the stretcher. I had to kneel up on the bed and as we placed the body on the stretcher strangely, I was kneeling right where he'd been laying and the bed was sooo warm! Of course I knew why cause when we die all the blood pools to our backs. Okay so maybe you really are CREEPED OUT about my blog this time, but I find it so fascinating!
There was a bit of perspective playing out in my mind how even the fancy things in life have no meaning. And much of my current life has been set on some wishing of materialistic things and less on the more meaningful things. I have been having some experiences lately that are quite personal and thought processes that have really got my wheels turning and maybe why I was a bit on the emotional break last night. I didn't even know these men. The second man who was ready to leap into the afterlife I knew only a short time and mostly he slept and caused me to change his johnny and bedding many times and was on a mission to make me work for my money-actually he had no idea what trouble he caused and he's innocent really. But after a few hours after frequent checks he left this world. I called on the nurse to pronounce and then asked for some assistance in helping him get properly prepared for the next undertaker. It was also a sad moment but with all the suffering he had been thru, it was a relief. After I and my co-worker combed his hair and made him presentable I looked him over, and strange as it sounds, it looked like he had a smile on his face, almost as if to be glad he was done suffering! Death had come with a force last night, taking those ready to be taken home from the pains of this world! Life is short. Life can feel long in all the pains we have either mentally or physically, but we need to stay focused and discover for ourselves what our life is really about, and where our values lay and be sure we are not idling the wrong idols. To stay close to a Father in Heaven that love us and to share that love with others. I was touched how lately my life has had its ups and downs but the real anchor in my life is my belief in God and his plan for me. These deaths even though they were not of my blood relation, gave me a chance once again to reflect on our existence on earth and how precious it is!!

Recent Events

2008-05-15T17:09:00.004-04:00

Yesterday (for Alina's late birthday gift) Alina did her first Build-A-Bear granted to her by my Step-Mother-In-Law who met us there and spoiled Alina till her hearts content!! Money was not an issue so Alina was able to pick out anything she wanted really---that was nice for a change cause there's always a limit when shopping with Logan and I! The experience was unique building the stuffed animal that she chose and picking out clothes and accessories. Mertz was a good sport walking around with us watching his sister smile! Afterwards she paid for them to go on a little train ride in the mall and the carousel where they both had a good time together.

On another note, we got a phone call on Mothers Day from Logan's brother who's son was in the hospital. Just a background--the parents are divorced, the son decided a while ago not to stay in touch with his dad and that's been about 5 years or so and this is the kind of phone call he gets that his son is in the ICU with a fractured skull and is in and out of consciousness. It was a crazy day! Apparently nobody is saying what really happened, and all we know are a few details that he was found unconscious on a street in Manchester and his wallet was with him with nothing stolen from him that they can tell, and the friends were out drinking and a car broke down and my nephew left the scene cause he didn't want to wait for a tow truck being it wasn't his car etc... that's all we really know, we think he was jumped. Nobody is talking or returning phone calls! My nephew, 21, is able to talk and doesn't remember what happened and so far he didn't suffer any injury to prevent him from moving or talking so he isn't a vegetable but he'll be in the hospital for a time and currently moved into a regular hospital room. With this incident, his dad and he had a good talk and hopefully will be seeing more of each other in the future and lets hope the step mom doesn't get in the way of their relationship, which may be the reason he stayed away in the first place according to my S.M.I.L. Who knows?

Birthday activities

2008-05-09T20:26:00.006-04:00

Here I am about to put the layers together of batting and the backing.
I had just added the circle pieces still without backing and without the antennas.
So it has been, a birthday for Alina! This is the quilt I made that is shaped as a Butterfly! She Absolutely loved it! The day was wonderful for her! We made cupcakes the night before her birthday for her class. She helped make vanilla and chocolate batters. I had plans of marble cupcakes, but she wanted to do some just vanilla and just chocolate, well its really what she wants so we did some cupcakes vanilla some chocolate. For herself and her teacher however, she added half vanilla and half chocolate for the cupcakes--I thought how sweet! The morning of her birthday after she left for school and after all the cupcakes had enough time to cool, I added the frosting and then dropped them off to the class for snack time.
After school after her little family party with just the four of us, we had to depart Logan to work and karate, Mertz, Alina, and I had to go together to Mertz' piano lesson. After that we went out to eat and enjoyed some root beer floats or Shirley Temple drink with a dinner that turned into consoling a trembling son who broke out in a panic attack! I was sad for him and trying to calm him while the server took forever coming back to take the check so we could go home where I could better console Mertz in private. Mertz calmed down after we left and fell asleep on the way home and the attack ended. But aside from that we all had a pretty decent day. Just don't ask me how I did working that night because it was awful, I hardly got any sleep so today I made up for it and slept 10hrs today while the kids were in school and Logan was able to pick them up so I could sleep more! That was great after all!

Understanding and accepting change

2008-05-06T12:41:00.002-04:00

I just want to take a moment and say for once, I'm glad I have for the most part a strong bill of health! For I am able to physically help others who have limited abilities. This goes for at work and home. I have been working hard to keep my head on straight as there are days when I've think I have lost it, and if I have than I pretend well! I am surrounded by those who are less fortunate than myself and however there are those around me who are strong too! I recently found out, although it really shouldn't have been a surprise to me, however it was, I have a brother-in-law who no longer is able to work. He had a great job with IBM and over the years his diabetes have caused his eyesight to really diminish to the point where the docs have decided that he's legally blind. I was aware of his eyes going blind, but his workplace was accommodating him with super large magnification on the computer to do his job with and all sorts of other stuff, but I guess its been months since he's worked, and I just found this out.

Its hard to make that realization that as we get older we change. We change with personality thru our experiences, we change physically, we change all the time in endless ways. Change is good for most things, change is hard also to accept and realize especially if it affects the way we would normally go about our day. I should know about change, I see 50+ years ahead of where I really HOPE NOT TO BE when I get older. When I go to work dealing with many persons that have dementia and limited abilities from other ailments its so sad. But there is hope, most elderly go on to lead very happy and decent lives & cross my fingers&

So it goes, there are days of rejoicing, there are days of quiet heartache, and days that never seem to end. Its how we approach them, how we prepare ourselves in dealing with these matters if they are to come up. I believe its good to stay close to God. This is how I've got thru hard things before, just knowing that I can with His help. Sometimes His help comes from those around me, or from a motivating song I hear to get me moving, or a thought runs thru my head that it just needs to get done. I am so far from being perfect, but He has blessed me with the ability to do many things to help even my family or those who I am employed to help, and making progress with them truly makes me happy!

Sewing and Biking

2008-04-29T17:28:00.002-04:00

I'm currently making a quilt for Alina as a surprise for her birthday! I wondered how I was going to pull this off without her knowing since most days she's in school and I'm sleeping...well I decided I'd take it to work with me. I figured that that was the best idea! So when I'm on break I pull out the project and work on it and its been working out fine. So far I've cut the pieces and now on to getting the pieces of the quilt sewn together. It should be done in but a few more nights at most. Finding this quilt pattern was perfect timing. It has been almost two weeks ago that I went and purchased the fabric which was all on sale!! The quilt did I mention, is going to be in the shape of a butterfly when finished? It should turn out nicely and to know she has no idea I'm making it is a real treat. Its not really the kind of quilt to use so much when one goes to bed but it could be put on a made bed. Its my first machine-made quilt.

So as some of you know, I use a site called Freecycle which has many people in my area signed up to recycle any used and unwanted stuff. I requested a bike specifically for Alina since she grew out of hers, I got a response quite quickly of one! I was so excited cause I've requested some other things that didn't get a response at all. So I responded to the offer. They described it as not being used very much by their daughter and in great condition. I picked that up today in excitement cause I couldn't wait to see Alina's face when I give it to her for a surprise! However, to MY surprise, it was a 15speed Mountain bike! Not my first choice for a young girl Alina's age. In fact its big enough for me!! I was saddened that it isn't suitable for her and that she may be upset that she doesn't have a bike. I look at it this way, she knew I wanted a working bike, and have been quietly looking for one for me to exercise with this summer, so she really doesn't have any idea who it was supposed to be for. When I came home with the bike she really was happy to see I have a nice new bike! She wasn't thinking of herself at all! I know I'll have to looking again. A free bike for me! Yipee!!

Laughing

2008-04-14T14:00:00.003-04:00

Logan and I amid some of our downs, are having some good alone times, laughing and making jokes! It feels so good when we are together sharing these moments! I know a lot of times its so crazy and upsetting! We really do and still enjoy one another and I really soak up these moments! Who wouldn't? I was telling him about a dream that I had (and many of you know my dreams can be quite goofy at times) it was a dream that we were at a castle, many people were gathered there and all waiting for Logan to arrive. I was in with the crowd with the kids and we also were acting like everyone else and not as the "wife and kids". After a while the press wanted to talk to me about my "famous" husband and so I did...don't remember that part all too well...but after that... the strange part...Amy N. walked in on my celebratory dream!! Just out of nowhere, what a disappointment, there must be some meaning behind that one! Logan and I had a good laugh about that, he's only met her once and that was enough for him! Why is that? I had a strange friend in her, even days I wish she wasn't my friend, especially when I was working as a cashier circa 1999 and she'd come thru my line and tell me a real bad (dirty) joke so everyone around could hear it...I wanted to sock her one every time she'd done that!!!

Finding Balance

2008-04-09T19:24:00.004-04:00

I have been trying to find a balance in life lately. The prospect of us moving again so we can be on the first floor instead of the third is really coming to a consideration because Logan is having such a horrible time making it up and down the stairs. With sciatica and degenerative disk disease the odds are piling up against him. Sleepless nights and waking up screaming in pain...it takes its toll on one's life! Either being the onlooker or himself!! The end of this month we go to a meeting for the Beriatric Surgery which in this hospital he could have his operation sometime after 3 months from this first meeting we attend! Logan finally showed up at a chiropractor and got an adjustment on his back/neck. Logan went a second time to the chiropractor and said that Logan's skeleton isn't holding the adjustment(haven't been to one in over a year), not only is his spine curved and twisted, his hips are also twisted too! Can you imagine?? Since the guy specializes in hands/arms, he took a good look at Logan's hand which was operated on and by the looks of it he said that the doctor may have severed some tendons in Logan's hand which is why he cant roll his thumb in a circular motion! So now we are thinking Logan needs a second opinion about his hand if its true, he may have been victim of medical malpractice! This is Logan's career on the line. He's been unable to play guitar like he used to before the operation and is making ridiculous mistakes that just shouldn't happen with a professional like himself! But he continues to teach and play through it all!

I have been sluggish with work. I'm really blessed I have a career in Nursing, however its getting old and wearing on me, nothing is as it used to be when I first started. I'm just not as happy there as I used to be the morale there is so low, I'm not even so proud to work there. It may be bringing me down with all the other issues swirling around me. I'm now talking to a professional to help me through my grievances.

Since public school has started for the kids, Mertz has been misbehaving badly and Alina has been doing well in school. So the firstborn usually causes the worst trouble, and so indeed its going in that direction, he's not a bad kid, I think he's being controlled by other kids from school bad ideas. All I know is that we don't have cable TV for over a year almost two now, we control what comes into our viewing at home and what gets heard! We are the parents and we accept it as our FIRST JOB above any other and we take it SERIOUSLY unlike some parents!!

Easter Time at our home!

2008-03-24T14:01:00.006-04:00

We did something different this year with a new coloring of "eggs". At our house nobody likes to eat the hard boiled eggs except for me. So I figured instead of wasting food, I saw these "eggs" at the grocery store made by "PEEPS" so essentially they taste the same as what peeps are except shaped as eggs and uncolored. Each package came with one gel color, so I bought 3 packs to get the pink, purple, and yellow gel colors. The kids had a great time designing their easter eggs and shared some with Logan and I and with their Memere! I did three designs on my own if you can spot them!

2008-03-11T21:27:00.005-04:00

I have been feeling very sick lately since Thursday, I was told I have a virus, but it could be even the flu, still getting over it. To help me get better faster and this wasn't planned, but it happenend anyway, I had my first full body massage Monday! I already had an appointment to go, but I still went but it wasn't as good of a time. Once I turned over to be on my belly it was so tough to breathe because of my congestion overall it was a great massage but I think I'll enjoy it better when I'm feeling myself again.

God is Mindful of Me

2008-02-03T17:28:00.000-05:00

Sunday, January 27th my Mertz was Baptized!! It was a wonderful experiance for all who attended. The talk on Baptisim was chosen by Mertz given by "Master" Rob aka Uncle Rob. And the talk on the Holy Ghost was also chosen by Mertz, Memere who gave a wonderful visual presentation on the Holy Ghost. Logan gave quite a choked up expression when he baptized Mertz, and he conferred upon Mertz the Gift of the Holy Ghost. As our bishopric member noted that he always feels the spirit in a baptisim and it was a very interesting night because it was also the night that our Prophet for so many years died, Gordon B. Hinkley. Now I don't want to look at it as a bad thing, its a time to remember for sure! The same time Logan and I were going thru some tough times, we were still without a car, but on our way to getting one fixed that we haven't used in a while. That night a blessing happened after the baptism we almost didn't get home but said we had no ride if Suzanne had left us. That stirred my siblings to wonder what I was talking about. The next few hours would tell the story. Soon after we got home my brother called and told us he had a car available to us. He was getting ready to sell it and knowing that our van passed away, he was willing to make a sacrafice to me and my family! I was so grateful! The next day, my father came to get me and we went together to get the car. The Tarus Wagon was what I had in mind for our needs! The other car we own that is unfixed at the moment, is too small for us for travelling as a family with a guitar! The guitars Logan owns are like one of the family. Also the newish car (to us) was able to transport an amp for Logan, the little car wouldn't have trekked it without a trailer hahahaha! Its only a two door and fitting something that stands about 2 3/4 ft tall square just wont cut it! Blessings have poured over us in many ways this month--even that Logan was kept safe when our van was up in smoke. My eyes have been more open to see my blessings lately and I'm counting them and trying to be a better person to know that God is looking after me thru his servants upon the land in which I live! Again I am truly grateful to my Ward and my Family for helping us out in a huge way!

The Good and Bad

2008-01-25T08:22:00.000-05:00

Well do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?
Well the GOOD News is (lets start out positive) Mertz had a birthday party on Saturday which he only wanted boys who knew each other, (excluding cousins) from his class (sorry fam) with the exception of a girl he likes to call her by some other name (no not girlfriend) oh it slipped my mind for a minute, "Colt" he calls her. It was a successful birthday party, small as far as who came vs. how many he invited but it was as the kids who came who said "the best birthday party they've ever been to!" WOW!! Thanks for THAT! The theme was based on his now beloved game, POKEMON. We played a Pokemon Bingo Game that was a huge hit (I made the game myself) we had a Pokemon match game, and another game really without a name but we had prizes and much fun!! Alina was at her friend's house doing GIRLY stuff in the meantime, where she and her friend did manecures, makeup and pedicures and so on. It was a perfect day on Saturday Mertz got what he wanted (no sister) and Alina got what she wanted (NO brother)time with her friend!! Sunday Alina had her friend come with us to church the girl is really interested in coming every Sunday so that's nice! Monday was the day where the BAD NEWs comes. Logan was off to work and never showed up! I, for the first time wasn't worried, it was odd cause normally I would have worried, but his work called me three times and I thought he should have been there by now...maybe, I was thinking to myself, he stopped for a bite to eat or something harmless like that....but no....our Van caught on fire on the way up to Manchester, in Merrimack on the highway!!!! It was not a long lasting fire, however our van is S.O.L. or can I say TOAST!! What a catastrophie when I heard the news. The fire really didn't last long however it caused the engine and all sorts of underneath stuff to go in an unworking conditon, the body and interior went unharmed....What a F-n shame!! We're really blessed though that nobody was hurt, except Logan's back took a beating cause he had to walk home for 5miles--he didn't have the cell phone, and don't ask me why the heck he didn't stop to use a phone in a business on the way????....."dummy" or "too proud" is alll I have to say about that. So we have no working vehicle right now, and we have two cars but they are both in unregistered, and unworking condition. So walking for me has increased, getting rides to work and so forth have been needed, and my shopping has slowed! Life has got to get better than this!!!!!! The one car we may have fixed is so small it barely fits anything in it!! We really need a van/Truck with the loads of equiptment Logan hulls around or things I need to take out of storage or put in storage....ULLLLL! Frustrated is an understatement!

Not so Quiet Nights

2008-01-07T21:48:00.000-05:00

Just quickly, I was home last night sleeping and Logan was in a load of pain as he has been for two months and maybe even longer if it isn't his tooth its been his hand and if it isn't his hand it is his back and then its a pain that runs down his leg (siatica) some 10+ on the pain meter to the point where he's screaming just about all thru the day/night whenever he's got to move. But lets admit hahaha all men are babies when they are sick-I should know I work with a good deal of em! But seriously, laying in the bed only gets so far and then he moves to the floor in the living room (cause we don't have a large couch) and on and on he moves thru the rooms finding a comfortable way to lay down or one place isn't working out for an entire night that moving is a must. The horrific pains he expresses has waken Mertz in the middle of the night and at a few times he has run to Logan's yells to rub his back, talk about love!! I feel so helpless knowing there's nothing that I can really do except encourage to see the chiropractor or doctor (besides a backrub) to calm his pain; but with a young son with compassion that runs in his veins like the air we breathe makes me so proud!
I haven't been doing much lately besides playing with the kids and tending to the hubby like I feel like work continues even after I get home from work--sometimes I feel like I need to keep my scrubs on thru the day!! You will see on my page here I added a link to getting kids organized....AHHhh this has worked wonders in the past week since I discovered it and my kids are eating it up like crazy. A woman who professes to come by the kids room to check if its clean! I haven't been very successful at teaching the kids to keep their room clean, its close to impossible to ride them each and every day with it and some days its been so bad nobody wants to enter that room and after finding the House Fairy things have changed tremendously. I was showing Alina the videos and she really has fallen in love with the House Fairy and on the first night before I went to work and before she went to bed she cleaned up her room without a hassle or a fuss which is totally a transfomation it was an Alina I hadn't seen before! She went about cleaning like it was her favoriate thing to do! Not SO! But she did it willingly and as promised, the House Fairy dropped by a suprise! She and Mertz have kept their room very decent since that four nights ago. And I tell you, it has always been a struggle with them to clean up their messy messy room. We are eager waiting to hear back from House Fairy since we signed up to join so we can get all the fun stuff..let's hope things can stay this way all year!

seperate*

2008-01-01T18:16:00.000-05:00

I really dont think I should have called this site the "Family" site cause its mostly about what I want to say and not so much about what Logan cares to read about or add to. Hes not into blogging nor does it excite him to read what I have posted about our family. He's just a low laying kind of person who doesn't get all mushy over things. So he's a real man! He is really someone people want to be around with his boisterous personality but he is very much a homebody and likes to be home with the family and play with his kids and occassionally he goes to his sisters and meet up with the "GAY" nephews who are not at all gay but love to pick on that sort of thing--don't ask cause its beeen a long running joke for years and years.
In our home its unlike us to be all about the latest fad instead spend time as a family teaching the kids what is important, like developing talents or being with family and playing but also keeping a close focus on what is good. The kids understand sacrifice and bending for someone elses needs as Logan and I often do for each other and within our family. We teach them about what we value and believe most of all is to value each other and then they have learned to value themselves and learn to stand up for themself. There are times and moments in our home that are distain and off key but it keeps life interesting and gives us a chance to look at what went wrong and come together again with an attitude of change. Well gotta go do something for the family now

Once upon a Snowday

2007-12-15T01:49:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was a day of much snow about 8" or so. The kids were kept home. It was Mertz who was sick with asthma and Alina was made to stay home cause I had a feeling I wasn't going to be able to get her (walk like I always do) from school if there was an early release..which there was after all! So Alina played hookey and we went to the mall to get her a new backpack since the zipper on hers busted--lets hope the new one doesnt bust only after a few months. I would have been able to fix the old zipper if it wasn't the cheap craftsmanship!! There's really nothing to sew it to cause its a vinyl type fabric that's been snarled from the zipper from opening and shutting as it has been getting stuck on it. On our travel in to the mall we revisited this kiosk that sells joke toys and games and such. The last occassion we stopped by the kids really wanted to purchase some of the joke stuff, namely a type of candy that said to make a stink in your mouth like a fart or something like that. The words "Farting candy" is printed on the packaging. Two pieces of candy wrapped in red cellophane. All the ideas of what this stuff was going to make someone do was getting us all giddy to the point of laughter! Alina wanted to trick Pa, but it was purchased as a gift to give to Mertz so it was left up to him what he would do with it. We got home and Mertz was in the Living room with Pa and with asthma its not like he's sitting there totally run down, although it could get that way, but he was doing okay and we let him open the bag giggling to ourselves as he kept asking what is it? He burst out laughing remembering how much he wanted to get this stuff the day we last visited the mall weeks ago. "I'm going to give it to my friend Brendan!" he blurted out. Logan and I advised him that it wouldn't be such a good idea to give it to your friend but to someone he's been having a hard time with---a relaxed way of giving back! Mertz has one boy in particular that he's had tension with all school year and was told to stay away from, and I've even met the kid and didn't like his rudeness! Today, when he went to school it was done. You can see him tell his story on YOuTube.com at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GWM1k_YdSjA so you can get first hand his "giving" his own back to this kid in a suttle way. By the way, one candy was experimented with beforehand at home. We opened one up and crushed it in a baggie so everyone could get a piece of it and it was YUCKY!! Mertz, Alina and Pa had some but lets just say it didn't stay long in any of their mouths (Logan stated it tasted like a very strong black licorice)!! I had a good laugh watching them all, and that's when we agreed Mertz should hand over the last candy to his arch-enemy, hehehe!!

Talk Radio

2007-11-22T09:28:00.001-05:00

Listening to talk radio lately here and there. I love listening to Laura Ingram she is so real and upfront with the listener, I love her! Then I was listening to Micheal Graham I love it that he lovingly calls his wife "The Warden"! I get it, even though he says most of the married women who listen to his show ask him why he calls her that.... Perhaps I'm also a warden and admit it most women dont admit to their ways! There are other names for us like the "CEO" :ball and chain: oh there are much more but my fav. is the warden!!! HAahhaha. Don't get me wrong I love my role as a wife but sometimes you men out there are a bit childish, foolish,etc. that you need a (((good eyeing))) once in a while. I used to listen to Laura Schlessinger who has the answers for lifes hardest questions about doing the right thing in very difficult situations, dealing with human relationships and so forth. I miss that. I have no idea when she airs around here. Also used to listen to Rush Limbaugh, with Logan, but he's a bit off these days in his thinking and doesn't always give good information anymore like he used to. Laura Ingram has a coulple of books out I'd like to buy and read she has a load of truth when it comes to our nations deeper problems that the mainstream media ignores! When I thought I have seen and heard it all, it comes more clear to me after being an active thinker in politics with knowledgeable people; that I truly need to search deeper and think always for myself with information presented, and help lead my family in paths that are rich in good causes and steering clear of trechourous ones with evil adgendas. I used to not understand politics and thought 'who the heck cares', which is most of the way we think nowadays--truly admit, I didn't want to understand it it seemed so complex (and it is) but it wasn't until Logan kept listening to talk radio that I discovered what it is we need to understand about it one thing is for sure--we don't trust our polititans we don't like the things they do or what they have become or even stand for over the past many decades but long ago it was very different...anyhow, they are the ones who are going to either make or break our lives because ultimately they do get in the way of our lives when we see they have gone too far! Why does Massachussetts for instance now force the people to have health insurance by the end of 2007?? Why in California they no longer have the right to bear arms?? Why does the government have to be so heavliy a part of our lives?? I just want to live without them knowing everything or making me do or not do something that I don't see or do see as a must-have--Why? so that they can have more power over me?? It is now a bit of slavery, is it not?? They are keeping us busy so they can get more of what they want out of us, even our entire belongings--I know this idea sounds far fetched but stick around a while and ours won't be ours anymore. So I sound a bit whacked, but its maddening how people go about their day not caring that we are a part of a messed up government that doesn't know where to stop getting their nose out of our private affairs--even buisnesses are doing bad business and yet we sit and smile while we get air blown up our skirts how **great** this country is....... Anyways just had to spill the feelings of my recent thoughts accumulated over the past ten years and the ideas I have developed or even the feelings I have come to realize and wow have I come out of a new shell with this, feeling a bit more complete about the nation I currently live in.

Just writing in my joys and trials

2007-11-16T18:27:00.000-05:00

Well before I had gone to the doctors I was weighing myself at work here and there on the scale. Well I reached the highest weight at ??? (sorry,not going to share that horrific #) but anyways I've lost 5lbs! Walking and watching my intake in the aspects of carbs and portion size and only eating when I feel hungry and not reaching above the number 8 of fullness. I was reading an article the other day on healthy eating habits and it said focus on your hunger level. Zero is hunger pains or empty stomach, 3 was about minimally hungry, 5 was a satisfactory number and pushing into 678 was of course a fuller and fuller feeling and well 10 was about the way you'd feel after eating EVERYTHING big portions at a thanksgiving meal and dessert with the need to release your waistband!!!! Haha! So I'm setting my numbers on that scale and hope to continue to have a bit of control and knowing when I'm actually hungry rather than eating out of an emotional or boredom fill.... So I"m really trying to set my goals realistically and hope to keep up the walking even on the brisk cold days. So Thanksgiving I plan on keeping to my favorites and smaller portions than ever, and keep the day light as I will have just worked the night and going to work the night of Thanksgiving...whoa tough days of travel. We are keeping up with tradition of going to Chichester with family there.
Coming next month will be a more steady schedule for work. They offered me a Tues-Friday night schedule with Sat-Mon OFF! That means a bit more time together as a family on the weekends and not having to work with certain people I don't particularly like to work with on the Sat-Mon shifts. I am losing one day of pay but am still considered full-time and right now I need less of a flip flopping schedule and I don't have to work weekends anymore!!!! Fridays are really considered a weekend night to work so I won't be missing on the weekend pay differential-phew! So I'm hoping things will be good and work out for me in the long run.

So this week has been a week from hell!
Logan went and had carpel tunnel release surgery on his left hand on Tuesday. It went well. He was very nervous although he hopes to be back playing the guitar in a few months! The operation was quite quick. The few days leading up to the operation, Logan had a tooth that was dead and the littlest bit of disturbance was a major pain. The operation with his wrist seemed like nothing but his tooth was what bothered him in the most extreme way the next day on Wednesday that he couldn't stand it anymore. The dentist was able to take him that day and they ended up pulling it out, but it wasn't as easy as that! It was a tooth that had been filled once before but it had become so brittle that when this dentist tried to extract it it broke into many pieces and had to dig for the whole tooths roots which led to 2 hours of oral surgery (more than just a simple tooth pulling)!! So two days (back to back) of surgery; more than I think the body can withstand but he's been recovering and still feeling like he got into a boxing match, and his wrist is feeling just fine with a few pangs of pain here and there if he moves it the wrong way. Well its time for me to go lie down before I go off to work tonight.
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Where is this counry headed?

2007-11-08T19:03:00.000-05:00

So I'm looking at the headlines, drudgereport.com, non mainstream newscasting and what do I see? Some things are probably on the mainstream but they don't always get the truth out. For example the US dollar bill is losing its worth. That may not mean anything but it does in a huge way! We soon are becoming dependant on other countries for our goods like China for instance who wants to kill our kids with their lead poisoning paints on the toys children are playing with. Haven't bought my kids toys in months and neither are they the Dora explorer or other toys mentioned. MY kids play with other toys other than mentioned in the recalls. So thats one thing that worries me about our country. Another thing is that dollar bill. We soon will be paying so much more for the goods coming from foriegn countries and with the worth of our money isn't going to give us much spending power now is it? Seeing moving to England is one of the things we are doing it looks like the longer we wait the more money its going to cost us to get there if the dollar keeps dropping. In August when we went it was almost an even 1BP:2US Dollar, now its working its way down to $2.50 to 1 BP!! Thats outrageous! This is a step toward a major depression! And gas prices hit a high in CA at $5/gallon. Logan's dad works for the Mobile company and he saw in NH at the Canada /NH border a station costing $4/gallon. Most of the gas stations are creeping up to $3/gallon again!! Things aren't getting better in my pocket, I'm not getting paid more for the rise of the costs, the ratio of cost of living to my pay and many others like me aren't equivical, in fact much less! Our big government is much to blame and please if you are going to vote, Ron Paul is the way to go! He supports the constitution, where others are failing to recognize it anymore, the sign of the last days anyway...I hate to say it but I'm just not feeling proud to be American if we keep letting in illegals in and giving them all the benefits as a citizen and better cause they don't pay taxes in the way that we do as legals. URGH!!

The Rest of the family

2007-10-28T08:32:00.000-04:00

So I've been hogging all the blogs here with all my health issues. So whats next? The kids are in the public school system right now and let me just say that its what we expected but less than a pleasure. Its a convenience for me so that I can sleep better in the daytime but still I'm finding myself taking more time to do other things rather than sleep which isn't all great. TeMPting to do dishes and housework when there are no little feet scurring around me. Mertz is adjusting to the rules, and his teacher seems to be bothered by his antics/playful/socializing behavior. Not all is well there but we're hoping things will smooth out. Alina is thriving in her class, reading very well and being a social butterfly making all sorts of new friends. One of which we just invited to our ward's Trunk or Treat and the girls had a blast!! Logan has several nights/late afternoons where he teaches all over in various destinations but mostly at the music school. He is concertizing with his guitar x-professor friend, doing house concerts where he gets to play for a intimate small crowd (!me included!) and then end with a delicious meal that the hostess(es) have cooked and some great laughter with people we've met for the first time or with friends!! After November 9th Logan will be undergoing carpel tunnel surgery! He's been suffering from it for a while now and has let it come this far after our trip in August and the concert that was long ago planned for November 9th which was booked back in the summer. So this will put Logan in some relief but also he will have to rest from playing the guitar for a time. The docotor says that he may not be fully healed in even a years time, thats a long time.... Still he was to go for the other big surgery and needs to locate a hospital in MA to do that. Logan and I are in the process of downsizing (as if we haven't downsized enough) so our plans for England are coming to and we are selling off most of our possessions too big to take with us overseas except the items that we absolutely need to have or things that have sentimental value and cant replace. So far our plans are that in the first full week in August our hosts from England will come to NH with playing opportuinites that Logan will set up for them, then it looks like two weeks after that, Logan and Mertz will take on flat hunting in Sidcup while Alina and I finish off the details of moving and we will meet them hopefully in our new pad. August looks pretty busy for me!!! Just for all those who are worried about Logan not having a job....it looks like this. Our friend Matt has 80 students this school year and that's a full 40hr work week and he's already had to turn away 40 more students inquiring to have lessons and he says the calls keep on coming. Logan only wishes he had 40 students in NH and not to mention the pay is so much better in England-in fact double the pay compared to here, its just right and thats only half of it! Logan is anxious to get there, and I told him maybe it would be better if he just went to England and set us up, say after the holidays but we don't know if we could be apart so long like that but I feel it would be more or less of a rush for ME... there is so much to get done and to do.

The tests

2007-10-27T12:10:00.000-04:00

Well, I need to update the situation that's been going on. I went a couple weeks ago to the doctors and it WASNT my blood sugar that was high, in fact it was within normal. The number that was high was my cholesterol hence the fish oil! So we can rule out that I don't have diabetes---but my cholesterol is a heads up for diabetes, but is something I can work on. Has any of my siblings here gone fasting for 12 hours and found that they have dyslipodemia or experience high triglyceriedes?? My doctor said this was unusual for my age. Working on my weight has included walking to the kids' school (in the afternoon only) and home with them on average 4 days a week and that's almost 2 miles a day and notice that my leg isn't hurting much at all anymore.. I have up till January to get my cholesterol under good numbers (that means less pies and goodies) and if not then I may go on some medications.

Part 2: My poor left Leg

2007-10-03T19:16:00.000-04:00

I have a bit more information. I had some lab work done and they found my blood sugar was high after fasting for 12hours (I should have asked for my number seeing I'm in nursing and know a bit about this stuff, duh!). The doctor wants to see me early next week to talk about medications. I was directed that I'm to start eating low carb, sugar free foods, and I'm told also to take fish oil pills (oh that sounds gross)next they'll be telling me to take shark cartilage (gag).
Okay are you thinking what I'm thinking: High blood sugar on a fast, sugar free/low carb diet, hmmmm something tells me I've got diabetes. But however this isn't exactly what they have told me YET but this is what I'm almost sure of! My leg isn't hurting so much as before, if at all, weird... I'm certainly disappointed of the clues that point in that direction. I walk about 4miles a week or more but with my leg bothering me its been a bit painful to exercise, and being tired, it doesn't help to want to get going. That's all.
P.S. here is a picture of me at England's Hever Castle around in the garden

My poor Left leg

2007-09-22T23:06:00.000-04:00

On Monday I go to the doctor to see what's up with a pain I've had in my heel and leg. It has been "under my skin" more ways than one, for a short time now. It has been affecting me when I walk, cause it hurts at times. It feels like my muscle in my calf is a bit tensed up almost the feeling of an oncoming charlie horse there. I took Friday night off from work cause it really is bothersome and I feel I need to take it easy. I spent most of the day keeping my leg elevated. You think I could massage it but it really doesn't feel right but I do it lightly. I don't want to speculate anything so I'm just going to leave it to the doctor to figure it out thru tests and whatever have you. I just sigh and wait. There won't be any rumors here just truths. The truth is I don't know what is the matter with my leg and hope that it will be resolved in a manner of time. Tonight I am home and tomorrow night as well, and then comes Monday to tell all my troubles...so say a prayer, sing a song, and think of me, so I may have strength to do what I need to to get thru taking care of myself. There I'm done, "and now" I say, "it getting late, I'm going to go to bed." Nighty night!

Some pictures

2007-09-09T18:24:00.000-04:00

Here are some Pictures!!!

Logan and Matt playing in concert Hever Castle

Logan, Matt and Suzie in Concert Leah and Logan in London

Logan and Matt Trafalgar Square in London with National gallery in background

I took way more videos than of pictures cause I can take pictures while playback out of the video, but I haven't done that yet, its quite a project. This is proof that meeting online/MySpace isn't always a bad thing, everything was so wonderful!! We are deciding to move there sometime next year cause jobs for Logan are much more in demand there not to mention to go for his Masters degree in London to study with some famous musicians(guitarists)! So when I say that we didn't get to see much of the sights its because we have plans to return to live there so it really isn't so bad.

Love Ya! xoxoxoxo

2007-08-30T18:02:00.000-04:00

Our stay in England has come to a close. We have arrived home safely after a bitter 19 hours of travel from the moment we woke up to the time we arrived home including all the delays and all the driving. We went by train, tube, plane, automobile, and bus! It was an incredible time in England. We saw not only London, but we had a unique chance to see the countryside with the locals. Matt and Suzanne Sear were the couple who initally invited us to England. Logan and Matt had practiced guitar duet music for about a year in their respective homelands and finally got to meet and practice together for the first time in person. After hearing them play together (after having done sessions of practice for hours and hours) others commented that they sounded like they had been doing it for years! Logan and Matt played at Matt's parents house in front of Matt's parents and Suzie's parents-all very nice people. For the next two nights after that Logan and I were invited to stay with Matt's parents (they are more comfortable driving) Matt doesn't drive at all and Suzanne got her drivers license years ago but is only now driving.She isn't all that comfortable driving the roads and highways so it is my understanding that this is why we had a few days with the parents, although it was also something they wanted to do to show a couple of Americans around cause they love the USA- so they were extremely pleased to have us stay with them. We were delighted to experience some of England's best back roads that lead to many small villages and historical sites that only the locals know where to find! Many tourists/newcomers to the country only go to London and that's all they see of England but Logan and I got the real experience to hang out with the locals!!! We went to a few ancient churches which have been around for centuries. In one church in Shoreham, England the locals were there having their afternoon tea and scones talking together and with us. Some of the locals brought with them some goods from their garden, of which was a garden that belonged to the town for the villagers and each household gets a chance to have a section of it. The man we met brought some of his veggies that Matt's parents bought and we later enjoyed for dinner. Logan and I had some orange juice and a delicious slice of fruited bread another local woman made. We later drove down some very narrow roads which only one small car could drive on. The road was so narrow (forget about your Ford F-350) and tight fitting, for example if we had rolled down our window we could very well touch the thick bushes growing alongside the very edge it was one bad turn and your in the wall of shrubs! I have never in all my life seen this kind of road! Even overhead was dense leaves from the trees growing directly over the road just enough space for a small car, like a wormhole! Some other places we went was a Lavender farm where they grow my favorite, Lavender. As of now they were not growing -out of season- but I was able to get some in a sachet to smell. Did you know Lavendar can be used like mothballs for clothes and you can also use it in cooking? I didn't know that! I love it for making a room smell nice or in the shower as bath soap or shampoo!!! While Logan and I were visiting we talked till we were blue in the face about the comparisons between cost of living in the USA and the cost of living in England. The Englanders say that its much cheaper in the US. Well if you want to know and believe it here are some figures: gasoline in the USA= abt. $3/gallon currently, in Enland they spend close to $8/gallon (us money)! That is expensive! No wonder why they don't drive much (Matt and Suzie). We learned that many who reside in England don't have to have a car cause the public transportation is well used and organized either by bus, train, or the underground tube (like the subway). If one lives in a good sized town they can walk almost everywhere(I hope I lost some weight) otherwise they do have to drive! The idea of Logan and I renting a car was out of the question for it was another outta sight expense in two ways, not knowing how to drive on the left--confusing to watch, let alone drive, and the other expense was and would have been $400! No WAY! We didn't need it cause among Matt's good friends and family we were able to get along fine without a car, and thanks to their public transportation and our feet. Off track here, another cost of living example: gallon of milk in my grocery store $2.79 and England's would run me $4.00! However the pay is considerably better for in some ways they were and in some ways depending on the profession not so. Teachers get paid here pretty poorly to start anyways, about $20,000-30,000 in the US. In England, $50,000 and upwards and the pay doesn't stop during summer vacation correct me if I'm wrong but its my understanding that in the US it does, I may be wrong though. But they get paid much better in England, but then they get taxed from the royals way too much 40%! Its comforting to know that we all share even across the ocean we all have the same workplace issues, the nursing industry is the same there, working underpaid and overworked and understaffed for example. I Overall the people in England are a bit more mannered, I can only speak of my own experiacnes here in NH, but if someone bumps into me they usually just keep going without saying anything. In England, people say they are sorry for such happenings. I noticed very little 'BLING" young men acutally wore their pants at their waists what a find! and nobody was so worried about having the better car or toys etc (there's no room for it in that small country), even that naughty "rap" culture we have adopted here in the US which Logan and I find apalling was mostly absent. I never once saw anyone in England with one of those pretentious cell phones that are stuck on the ear, those scream, "I am a pretentious snob". Ulgh. Another topic in another blog. So we really enjoyed the fact that people had some kind of rooted knowledge that just because you can do something doesn't mean you should do it.While in England, on our 10th wedding anniversary, we visited Hever Castle. One of the notable kings who lived there was King Henry the 8th and what a beautiful sight; even gardens galore! After the two days with Matt's parents, we returned to Matt's house. We went back to our fun nights at the Conservative Club playing pool and guitar practicing for the boys while the women, Suzie I and, did some shopping and watching movies and going to London. Then it was two nights of performances for the clan, Logan, and Matt played their guitars( and Suzie did some beautiful singing). Logan and Matt had some unique experiences together finding that in many ways they were very much the same in their thinking, the techniques they use in teaching guitar, they had a very similar laugh and similar mannerisims. We now believe they are long lost brothers! Suzanne and I also had some similarities; we like to teach, she's a teacher of special needs kids, she is much like I am a bit quiet and we both are our husband's secretaries and we both have to remind our men about the same sort of things. It was so funny and bizarre at the same time. Suzanne even has the same digital camcorder as me!! I was teaching her how to use hers cause before we came she had just bought it and she hadn't had the chance to read the directions. Even a bounus with that is; I could charge my camcorder's battery with their electric charger cord( the outlets carry different wattage and they have different sockets) and I save money not having to buy a converter! It was strange; out of all the camcorders in the world we had the same! God's hand was in much of our trip, I do believe. The food was excellent! I didn't have any bad food (I stuck to what I knew). Logan did have some toast with Marmite (something I didn't know) piled on (its a yeast extract) and he loaded it on thickly like peanut butter and when he took a bite it made his mouth quiver. Afterwards he was told to spread it on lightly..its like putting on a pile of salt, so can you imagine?? There was nothing really different, I'd say the food there was better than here. Their sodas were not so strong in syrup, it was very light tasting.
England's air, it made my hair feel very thick, it poofed out making it harder to manage my thick locks but I managed. I had a magnificent time in England, we felt so at home, we knew the common british slang and learned some new ones. Logan and I watch a lot of British comedy and dramas by choice and so England was that much better. The new friends we made enjoyed our company. Each night we went to a private club and met some new local friends and made some great bonds there too! We had some late nights talking and laughing and sharing. The best time we've had in years!
Cheers everyone!

From England

2007-08-19T18:49:00.001-04:00

Hi all who read my stuff here. Logan and I have arrived in England just two days ago. I was able to share with Logan his first flight ever off the ground and our first flight together ever!! It was confusing when we got into Dublin airport there was little by way of direct directions as to where to go to thru security but it was finally found in the many lines of people snaking around in various areas. Then in just a few hours we were off and in England. So far we ate at a very nice Indian Restaurant where Logan had his lamb vindeleau, I had an awkward moment when I asked for 'what dressing they had' for my salad order and they looked at me funny and offered me tomato sauce!!! Umm no. Then he offered me after going out to the kitchen and came back offereing me ceasar dressing which is NOT my first choice. But it turned out it had gone bad and I had a dry salad but what an amazing salad it was! My dinner was some chicken dish with some spices and we had my favorite jasmine rice. Very good food, I wasn't afraid. Today we went to church in Orpington a town 10 min. south from where we are staying. The church was a bit small, the ward was about average size but I was told many people are on vacation so not everyone was there. But I noticed that there were considerably not a whole lot of children. Between the ages of 2-18 I could only point out less than a dozen. The men were mostly acting as the decons and two boys involved in the whole sacrament part. Without a gym, the building was very small to what we are accustomed to back in NH. A woman next to me sat together thru all our meetings offered for Logan and I if we ever want to visit Australia we can stay with her and her husband. What an offer! She handed me her address and phone number for there and a phone here in England. She said they were in the process of moving down under. This networking is fabulous, maybe she wants Logan to serenade her to sleep or whatever! Then we scooted off to London for lunch and sought after many music/guitar shops all down a long street. Walked much and saw just a small section of London. The buildings are much like what you see in Mary Poppins, Harry Potter, to name a few it is just so amazing the archetecture. So far we've also had a unique opportunity to visit a real pub, and not exactly what I expected. I imagine a pub being unclean and grubby. But it was clean and attractive.
It was actually a good time but being mormon I don't know how well that goes over. Logan drinking a Lemonade I with my ginger ale. There's an irish man that gives a 20 question test every Sunday night so we got to gather around all the guys and gals and he'd ask the questions and we'd just yell out an answer questions about all sorts of subjects almost like his own trivia pursuit game. Everyone got into it. Real good fun anyways. We are enjoying ourselves and finding that we have a long lost brother here, Matt, who has many of the same things in common with Logan. Its beginning to be a bit of a long running joke. So anyways were having a real blast!!

Random writings

2007-08-10T16:47:00.000-04:00

So the cast on Mertz's arm is off! The weekend is approaching and I get more and more anxious about our trip. We will be going first by bus, then plane, and then by tube hopefully remembering all our belongings along the way and then we meet our pal, Matt. He himself just went on a gig trip to France and had a boring time with the french. They served him tomato slices and hard boiled eggs for meals! That sounds pretty gross! He also said that the people sat in silence for 6hours at a time! What a horrible time that must have been for him. He said he and his wife had to sneak out while shopping and get a pizza so they wouldn't die of starvation!!! So he chatted with us thinking also of his bad experience he hopes ours isn't like that; on the phone in retrospect he said we are welcome to eat anything (which I am sure he planned on anyways) and come and go as we please and he again sounds like a fun guy to be around. We certainly have a lot of things to share so I don't think we will ever be in silence for any period of time. His parents are also welcoming us to their house in the country for a few days. So some fun will be had in the big city and in the countryside. Logan wants to play some golf if possible with the dad but we shall see... both of them have bad backs if there isn't any carts.
Mertz went golfing with Logan last night at Ponemah Green, a real 18 hole golf course for the big shots. Logan said Mertz did some good shots and did well for a 7yr old some good old Father and son time. Mertz had been wanting to go since Logan picked up the sport a few months ago in May. He's been making some close bonds with some men at church who also enjoy golfing. I have no time for much. My days consist of running errands, housework, cooking making meals(whenever Logan can't fill in okay so 90% of the time) and sleep and taking the kids out for play as much as possible. I have been doing some embroidery work on a scarf you put on a bureau. That seems to be my hobby right now. I've been at it for a month and still have some more to do on it but more than halfway done. I've been wanting to get started on some paintings with oil being the medium, I have some canvases, a wooden easel Logan managed to get for free and was going to be thrown out at AC Moore where my nephew works as a stock boy, the thing is beautiful! What would be more beautiful is if I could do it without worry that the kids wouldn't get into the oils and make a mess of it in our apartment---a huge deal if that happened! I also have plans to make myself a dress to wear at the temple. I have a nightgown pattern fit for the role as a temple dress. That will be after our trip to England and will be happy to wear my own dress again. Well much of this post ran a bit random, my random thoughts I felt to share.

A Few NEW links ADDED!

2007-08-06T09:10:00.001-04:00

I added a couple of links, one is of music; different music arranged by Logan, and other colleagues some of his own compositions as well! Check it out if you like. Also another site (getting organized) that I found years ago when I almost had a total organizational breakdown. One way I used it to keep my sanity back when I lived with the handicapped woman and others in 2002-03. Occassionally I come back to it, but for me its really all about what she says, make it a routine. If you've never seen this site I recommend it, for it is a system mom once had a book on even the one Flylady refers to (Peggy and Sue's book). Its fun to read all the things people found while cleaning out their homes. But this is a great motivational tool when and if you sign up she'll send you daily e-mails to get going everyday! It helped me make mental notes and no I'm not a total retard but I can get side-tracked with kids demanding things other than what I'm trying to focus on getting done. We were born to a SHE so we have those same SHE tendencies. Don't know what a SHE is? read on the link on getting organized.