I was on an Instant Message chat with an old friend who is old enough to be my parent, he is a professor at KSC where Logan went to college and met; now our great friend! We all have a great friendship so much so that we asked him and his wife to be the godparents of our kiddos. I had a dream of him and his wife and just for the heck of it,
told him of my dream that seemed like a happy event, someone having a baby...
Normally he's all about saying ferrociously funny things that at times I think he is a complete dork, but when I began telling him of my dream and he went so serious on me. He wanted to know how I got the information and who I had been talking to, but I explained I just went to bed one night and woke with such a dream. He hinted to me that I was "on the right track" but how did I know. He said to me, "You don't know what you're talking about", and "you have no idea what you're saying" and I replied, "I have NO IDEA" and if it was true, nobody has told me a thing, not Logan, not my friend's wife, nobody! He told me and hinted at I was truly onto something but said it would have to be written privately. I wondered if he was kidding me and sometimes he has a few too many drinks and could have lost all real meaning to me in my conversation with him...
This morning he replied, in fact, and embarrassed, his step daughter, a minor, had indeed gotten pregnant, got very sick and bleeding badly and had a miscarriage just a few days ago, which is about the same time I actually had the dream!!!!!
He was really freaked out and now that I know this, I am astonished as well! We don't live close by, I've not seen him or his wife in about a year, but we stay in touch.
He couldn't believe my timing for one, and my dream being the content and of some nature close to what actually happened.
I tried to tell him I have dreams at times that happen and turn into reality. Though, I can't wake up and say, "yup that's going to be real", life just happens and it reveals itself at a later time. Recently I dreamed of myself being in England and it felt so real. Talked to our English friends and they said one evening they were singing "my song". "My song" is putting my first name to a funny jingle and it happened about the same night I went to bed and dreamed it. I don't know how, I'm not studying anything, just feel connected to my state of being more than ever. Call it a talent, but I call it a phenomenon in what sleep is making me aware of real or not. Now if only I could predict the powerball numbers!!

So my dad, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands etc. working on losing weight as in the "Biggest Loser" weight loss program, but are doing it all on our own pace. In a fast moving world we live in we are communicating by email on ourselves and our lives. I like it, getting us talking in one form or another. At times I feel as though the notion of, "you're fat because you are stupid, lazy, uneducated, etc" is being put out there, and I don't know if the authors realize, that, that is essentially what is being said between the lines. I agree that some people are truly fat because they are as said above, but I honestly feel, in this family, we know deep within ourselves what is good for us but for whatever the reason, if one, we choose otherwise.
I lack the recipies to incorporate good foods into my meals, when I go shopping I buy what I know on the top of my head, is what it boils down to. I know what I know about cooking because it was learned/ingrained at an early age, and lots of healthy foods were not purchased because of a short shelf life and the high costs! Lack of science that we know now about certain foods. Even these Wine, Coffee, Tea which was taught, because of a belief, not to even press your lips to these "awful" things, but as I've grown researched myself, science is debunking such claims of people who say, that what they say is "law", regardless. BAH!! to me those are some lies which is why I couldn't be fooled by those that claim to be something they are not! But who am I? Oh yah, a fatty!

The last week is here, Logan is getting the last treatment and will be cured of the disease, how cool is that!? There are two operations left to go about a month from now that rids him from all that remains of the disease. There will be some new adjustments I can be sure of, but I'm not going to let it get in our way. Our journey has been very intense and I don't wish anyone to have to walk in my shoes the way things drummed up. I as fortunate to have a few family members who had my back for all it was worth. Some very dedicated relatives that I was able to rely on helped me in the little things, but to me, little was HUGE! We have had prayers vocied among several different religious denominations during their service in our behalf from those who know us and those who know of us, so grateful of that also. The social network of friends have held me up "virtually" and gave ther kind notes of love, and good energy! Love it! And if I didn't hear from you that's just fine I know we all have busy lives. The visits to Chemo have been like a full time job, in at 8am and there till 4or5pm! We are almost through it, I can't wait for this to get behind us, really! My work has been supporting me the best as they can. I have been on some variable hours and sometimes on call and working on the weekends I should be off, but I work in the people business, it's what I do! So I will update again as things start to close out. You take care of yourself too!

In the past few months I've been dealing with a whole ton of issues. Many of them quite personal. I'm seriously drained of it all! Automotive breakdowns, child meltdowns, husband's diagnosis of cancer, the list goes on! Work has assured me I won't lose my job over the medical issues of Logan. They gave me a wreching time one night I had to call out and it made me furious!! My boss pulled through for me and actually worked in my place. That had never happened before! As of late, the cancer thing is almost completely behind us and it has been a fight that has changed our lives undoubtedly. I've been depressed but coming out of it, going to the gym, making some goals to get my hunting license, reconnecting with some activities that I have not done in years, namely skiing, next winter. So I'm making some changes and sticking to it. I would love to lose the weight I've gained since having my kids and getting to a happy me! I have been overall happy but I do fall into a demeanor of loneliness and certain sadness and eventually gets everyone else around me down and that's not healthy.
Finding peace in each new moment, meditating, attempting to keep it all together, being aware of my shortcomings and seeking guidance from the Higher Being!

I've been working, what the hell else is new?? But being at work has opened some friendships for me. Normally I'm not making friends at work since I hang out with 90-yr olds, though I have been making some great friendships with them it is not the same when they aren't able to get out of the house with me and just go do whatever, though I know that they would if they were physically able, etc. But the story is becoming friends with relatives of those I care for and other people who come around, the nurses or other caregivers. Logan and I made a friend with a football parent who has been helping out with rides for the practices since my job has not allowed me the time off to go myself. All in a matter of just a month and a half I've developed some great friendships and have even done a "girls night out" something I've been wanting for and needing! I love being around people who I can relate to. One friend, I couldn't believe it, told Logan she had been mormon before, all because a joke Logan made about Mormons! So we laughed to find out that we had an old belief in common. It just made our friendship that more enjoying cause we don't like to admit we were once among the cult; however when you know someone else who has been there and left it too, it a laughing good time!
A group of gals got together for a night out, one older than I, never been married or had kids, the other has a kid and not currently married but has a boyfriend. We get along so well and we have some great connection with each other, nothing like I've ever had before! I never found adult mormon women to be any fun so making friends was unlikely. I threw that life away long ago and am coming to a new life of friends.

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST and now SEPTEMBER.... Where has the time gotten to??? I've taken no real vacations (weeklong) and I just put in for time off and my boss denied it!? Oh the nerve!! I really am burnt out, I have had enough with my crappy schedule all over the board waking up at 8am and not done until 8pm and traveling up to 5 clients a day.... I guess I signed up for this but whatever happened to a family life? Weekends? Things are getting seriously dysfunctional in my house! Not only do I work all the crazy hours but I'm found/left with a messy house. CLEANING is nobody's favorite past time, and I can't stand the mess when I get home. A home is a place to relax? HA!
The loser nephew is now gone. He became a real dissappointment for us all! He did a lot of "talking" but no action. Finally, after coaching him in to what he should do for the very last serious time, it was him who failed to see he was not ready for MANHOOD as much as he thought he was. Our purpose was to get him to stop sucking from his mom's tit and grow up and become a MAN. At 20 years old and no job, no furthering education, nothing can be accomplished on the path, as nobody has done in his life, we supported these things and pushed him toward these things. Instead he decided that fooling around with some young female was his best alternative and he left our house for good, and I'm 99% sure he stole from my daughter of a favorite electronic device that has since disappeared! HMMMMMm! He owes us any supposed rent money for all the months he spent with us since June...well, I'll never see it, and I don't plan to see him again for the dishonesty and the immaturity he displayed time and time again. When will boys stop living in their mom's basements and think video games and freeloading is the way to go? Well, after all the years I've known his mom, I thought she was a hot ticket, great parent, but as we are slowly-or quickly finding out, it was all just a fake-out with the way her boys have turned out-both of them have taken us and other family members for a sick awakening...they are not the nice boys we all thought they were!

I've been off the writing block for a while. My internet use has gone to minimal, but not so much by choice, nevermind about that. I've been working a lot less because of my client passing away. She was my workload all 40/hrs a week. Now I'm working what seems like a lot but it's not...going from house to house a few hours here and there but it's yet to do it for me. So I'm slowly working my way into the day shift and away from second shift. I may even work some overnights as I recently attended a Home Health and Hospice inservice training on what is a vigil on the night of the death of persons... Its really not an event I'd like to dwell on, but as birth and marriage and all other life happenings, this one is also a big event that, for many, don't want to be near or talk about. My mom was my very first and since then, its been many in my life at work. I've seen it all and I continue to revisit that sacred moment in people's lives where they go on their next journey. I used to be so afraid of death as a kid, even having real bad panic attacks over it, thinking about it, that makes me wonder what the hell I'm doing working along it? I've definitely come to face my fears whatever they were at age 7-? when I stopped panicking/wondering about it. I am so comfortable about it in my own mind that when it comes it will be my time, just as all other things happen. Is this creeping you out? I don't really care if it is or not, to many I say, get over it! We come into this world with nothing and we leave this world with nothing. That's the physical part of it. The emotional part is left for those who are left behind. I just lost my mom 13 or so years ago, and I'm okay with that. I get sad, but I am always remembering her for who she was, not what killed her or the crappy circumstances that made the end hard. I lost many folks who I've met and grew close to, and each one of them I remember their names and their faces and the things they taught me. Some taught me joy, even in their last months where pain was taking over them and the meds couldn't calm them, some told me "never to get old" well, I just don't know how I'd avoid that, but I'll keep trying... some taught me to be more less worried about the little things and enjoy what I can do, especially at my age, and the list goes on. I really love the lessons on life and philosophy the wise and old have.