What do I care to tell the world today?! I may have some rants to get off my chest, watch out... my mother in law can't stop criticizing the behavior of the kids... I think she's really going overboard with her comments in front of the kids. Logan and them were out and Logan ran into the store real quick and Mertz stayed in the car with her and Alina, apparently while waiting Mertz unbuckled his seat belt and my mother-in-law told him to buckle up while hanging out in the car park. When Logan came back she was all in a kerfuffle saying how "Mertz is choosing Satan" because he won't buckle up his seat belt when she asked him to several times!! oh dear. Telling my kid that he's "choosing Satan" is sooo out of line!! Logan put his mom in her place and not to implicate that he's choosing Satan--good grief!! I just want to scream! And I love it when she leaves a message on my answering machine and says a 'swear word' under her breath in frustration and when the kids confronted her about it she denies it even when we all heard her! Talk about craziness!!! I hated being Mormon cause of all the impossible=to-keep commandments I call it plainly CONTROL and always feeling guilty and strangely enough she and her adult kids were the not-so-churchy people behind the scenes but to other members they were the good little sheep! I hated watching them live such a double standard and if I didn't sway to their contrary standards I was the 'out' person, so I swayed over I loved them and didn't want to be the all out churchlady- it was about family anyways but with the brainwashing over the years I used to get upset over it and I always felt guilty breaking the sabbath...were we choosing Satan??!! The Mormons would have me believe it! How can the Mormon church preach this stuff, how you shouldn't go anywhere fun on Sundays but the church was all about families?! Confusion for sure! I was not fond of the "keep the sabbath day holy" Lesson for primary when I had to teach it knowing later I'd be going to the market and going to the lake...I just tried to forget about it, and really how many of us have gone out and done an outing against the so-called teachings of God!
NOW I can allow myself to freely go out on Sundays to eat out, go to the grocery store, catch the first day of a sale, do whatever I WANT and not be tied down to what someone else will preach me to do on Sunday or any other day of the week and months and I'm not guilty anymore! I wonder if that's why as once a Mormon we liked General Conference so much or any conference where it was shorter or it didn't matter if we went or not for attendance purposes.... The gift of having free will has gotten me out of an unhealthy cycle month after month, week after week being told whether from the Mormon leaders or my internal voice saying 'your bad you didn't do (or did the unforgivable) such n such' oh the down talk I'd do to myself, beating up myself if I couldn't fulfill my Mormon church related responsibilities that often took me away from much needed sleep(when I worked 3rd shift) or from family. I could barely keep up with my household responsibilities wearing myself thin almost all the time! Or I'd be so depressed with all the down talking I wouldn't have any energy to get things completed around the house. I'm finding that since I've left, I'm not talking down to myself anymore. I'm not choosing Satan, thank you very much as I don't even believe in that! I am laughing and developing a deeper relationship with Logan and the kids and myself, seeking out the greater good within me and those around me-- oh and no longer do I have to internally say "they would make a perfect Mormon...how can I get them to join?" I may be thinking something else like plainly saying, 'that person is so nice!' Our friendship would have no strings attached just great times!

Here's a perfect example of even my feelings but someone wrote this from another site

day, Apr 14, 2009, at 07:53 AM
Post Mission Guilt
Posted By Anonymous
EX-MORMONISM SECTION 21 -Guid- ↑
From the day I left the mission field, until 20 odd years later, I felt guilt.

I always felt my mission was a failure, that if only I had worked hard every minute of every day, if only I had lived a perfect missionary life, if only I was more devoted to the people with whom I served, if only i had prayed harder, If only I had kept every mission rule, if only I was completely at one with every single companion, if only I had baptized more.

If only.

It wasn't until I discovered the authentic history of the Mormon church that I was set free. When I came across the actual verifiable cold facts of Mormon history, the truth set me free. Knowledge lifted a great weight from my mind and heart.

The Cult damaged my happiness for many years.

As a child, i always spent Saturday afternoon in bed, because I wouldn't toe the line at primary. It was a weekly punishment, inflicted on me by a typical Mormon mother who did her best, because she too was a victim of the Cult.

As a missionary and then in my post mission years, I was miserable.

Since leaving the Cult, I've discovered that prayer and meditation continue to produce results, if you want them to. Leaving the Mormon god, or I should say, the godless Mormon Cult, has set me free.

I am happier than I have ever been.

Goodbye to the post mission guilt.

Goodbye to all that shit.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.