What do I care to tell the world today?! I may have some rants to get off my chest, watch out... my mother in law can't stop criticizing the behavior of the kids... I think she's really going overboard with her comments in front of the kids. Logan and them were out and Logan ran into the store real quick and Mertz stayed in the car with her and Alina, apparently while waiting Mertz unbuckled his seat belt and my mother-in-law told him to buckle up while hanging out in the car park. When Logan came back she was all in a kerfuffle saying how "Mertz is choosing Satan" because he won't buckle up his seat belt when she asked him to several times!! oh dear. Telling my kid that he's "choosing Satan" is sooo out of line!! Logan put his mom in her place and not to implicate that he's choosing Satan--good grief!! I just want to scream! And I love it when she leaves a message on my answering machine and says a 'swear word' under her breath in frustration and when the kids confronted her about it she denies it even when we all heard her! Talk about craziness!!! I hated being Mormon cause of all the impossible=to-keep commandments I call it plainly CONTROL and always feeling guilty and strangely enough she and her adult kids were the not-so-churchy people behind the scenes but to other members they were the good little sheep! I hated watching them live such a double standard and if I didn't sway to their contrary standards I was the 'out' person, so I swayed over I loved them and didn't want to be the all out churchlady- it was about family anyways but with the brainwashing over the years I used to get upset over it and I always felt guilty breaking the sabbath...were we choosing Satan??!! The Mormons would have me believe it! How can the Mormon church preach this stuff, how you shouldn't go anywhere fun on Sundays but the church was all about families?! Confusion for sure! I was not fond of the "keep the sabbath day holy" Lesson for primary when I had to teach it knowing later I'd be going to the market and going to the lake...I just tried to forget about it, and really how many of us have gone out and done an outing against the so-called teachings of God!
NOW I can allow myself to freely go out on Sundays to eat out, go to the grocery store, catch the first day of a sale, do whatever I WANT and not be tied down to what someone else will preach me to do on Sunday or any other day of the week and months and I'm not guilty anymore! I wonder if that's why as once a Mormon we liked General Conference so much or any conference where it was shorter or it didn't matter if we went or not for attendance purposes.... The gift of having free will has gotten me out of an unhealthy cycle month after month, week after week being told whether from the Mormon leaders or my internal voice saying 'your bad you didn't do (or did the unforgivable) such n such' oh the down talk I'd do to myself, beating up myself if I couldn't fulfill my Mormon church related responsibilities that often took me away from much needed sleep(when I worked 3rd shift) or from family. I could barely keep up with my household responsibilities wearing myself thin almost all the time! Or I'd be so depressed with all the down talking I wouldn't have any energy to get things completed around the house. I'm finding that since I've left, I'm not talking down to myself anymore. I'm not choosing Satan, thank you very much as I don't even believe in that! I am laughing and developing a deeper relationship with Logan and the kids and myself, seeking out the greater good within me and those around me-- oh and no longer do I have to internally say "they would make a perfect Mormon...how can I get them to join?" I may be thinking something else like plainly saying, 'that person is so nice!' Our friendship would have no strings attached just great times!

Here's a perfect example of even my feelings but someone wrote this from another site

day, Apr 14, 2009, at 07:53 AM
Post Mission Guilt
Posted By Anonymous
EX-MORMONISM SECTION 21 -Guid- ↑
From the day I left the mission field, until 20 odd years later, I felt guilt.

I always felt my mission was a failure, that if only I had worked hard every minute of every day, if only I had lived a perfect missionary life, if only I was more devoted to the people with whom I served, if only i had prayed harder, If only I had kept every mission rule, if only I was completely at one with every single companion, if only I had baptized more.

If only.

It wasn't until I discovered the authentic history of the Mormon church that I was set free. When I came across the actual verifiable cold facts of Mormon history, the truth set me free. Knowledge lifted a great weight from my mind and heart.

The Cult damaged my happiness for many years.

As a child, i always spent Saturday afternoon in bed, because I wouldn't toe the line at primary. It was a weekly punishment, inflicted on me by a typical Mormon mother who did her best, because she too was a victim of the Cult.

As a missionary and then in my post mission years, I was miserable.

Since leaving the Cult, I've discovered that prayer and meditation continue to produce results, if you want them to. Leaving the Mormon god, or I should say, the godless Mormon Cult, has set me free.

I am happier than I have ever been.

Goodbye to the post mission guilt.

Goodbye to all that shit.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I'm glad spring has officially arrived, this winter with cars has been maddening! One car my Hundai lost heat, took it in to get checked out and it was unplugged somehow. Then a couple days later our other car's heater/blower failed to turn on! Being short on money, we spent the entire winter with no heat in that car, frosted windshield with sunlight took on a frustrating drive and windows down most of the time, and extra blankets for the kids to keep warm! (we can laugh about it now--- it is one of those toughening your character experiences and swallowing your pride) The Hundai crapped out on us not long after the heater was working again, the engine was baaad so I had to give up my cute car. We ended up getting a van a few weeks later through a caring friend and later, the brake lines went last month, and got that fixed, the car with no heat then decided to have no brakes either and so it goes, neither cars were working properly for us last weekend cause now the van has some bucking issues that we took in to get looked at and they fixed an ignition coil but 300 bucks later the same problem is still going...the bucking!!! When will this crap end?? The car's brakes are waiting to be worked on its just that we can't afford it, so the car is sitting.... Our tax return has come and gone to pay for overdue bills... Just when we thought we were caught up, we fall again. But things I guess could be worse! I'm challenged in complex ways to live simply or simply live.

This Video
and series of videos has been on my mind and this is as serious as a heart attack I feel we have to somehow as Americans have to WAKE UP and GET INVOLVED cause otherwise have extinction to what we are familiar with and what we know to be America. I believe in :live free or die: and am so enlightened by this video I had to share it to help educate anyone that I can!

I just finished a nice grilled ham and cheese sandwich, how luscious and some crunchy carrots on the side. While I'm still going to the gym, I've lost only a few pounds. I think I need to pay more attention to the foods that I'm eating. Lately I've been eating out just to save me time, but if I planned out my day a bit better, I may have not have ate McD's or Taco bell or D'Angelo's or Pappy's Pizza. I'm a lover of the chicken, spinach, and Feta cheese calzone! I need to make some of that in my own kitchen! I'm also listening to some great music, its not mainstream, but its for meditation, and can even make for an at home great romantic dinner music. It has the quieting of the mind appeal which helps me to think "calm" in this worry-filled mind of mine;
"Only Reflection" by Aeoliah
"Loving Touch" "Waves of Light" "Journey into Light" by Deuter
I listen and find them on Playlist.com where I can look them up and make a playlist and play the songs off the computer which is free to all (I even have great 80's songs on another playlist collection, so whatever mood I'm in I pick it and play) and it plays in my living room and ...Oh no, I just realized I left something in the oven for too long!!! I have just rescued my garlic bread, a bit crunchy...but not burnt! Anyways, my relaxing music shuts out the world and lets me focus on what is. I feel lifted and renewed, even now as I'm listening to it. I feel like a little nap right now, on my only day off for about 5 days!

After having a ridiculous conversation with a landlord to be, we're now unsure if we're going to be moving after all! These guys that we've been dealing with expect that without a move-in date that we're going to shut down our utilities in our current place before we move to the new apartment! And that 'it can take a week' to change over! I guess they think we are so new to this...and we say, no way, not so fast! Like I mentioned before we've yet to sign any papers, and until we do, nothing is final and nothing going to be transferred, such as the utilities, they can go pound sand! URGHH, the nerve of these guys! AND they are still listing the property even after they told us we've got it?! And if I search the address there's about 20 postings over a couple weeks time and the price of it varies between 50-60 dollars, so what's the rent anyways, they keep changing it! I feel like we're being scammed with these guys, things are just not normal, usually once the landlord says 'we'll take you' they give a move in date or ask when we'd like to move in, we sign papers and we go on our merry way to move...these guys say, 'you have the place, we need some copies of your pay stubs and driver's licenses and we'll get back to you in a couple of days' I mean what is that?? I just want to get on with the move if its going to happen, if not, than its back to looking again or we just stay put in Nashua.
Other than that life is always surprising us, or is it? I seem to know when something bad is going to happen, and the brakes on our van went completely the snowstorm before last, and I dangerously drove home on the e brake, the weather was a big help since not too many people were on the road at 11:30 at night and I slid 'cause it was snowing' yeah right, actually, my brakes were down to nothing, and that's just the truth, I put my foot all the way down to the floor and there's no brakes and the van still going, it was a miracle I got home surviving...there were a couple intersections I had to maneuver my good driving skills to stop even the E brake was having a difficult time! I am a tough cookie, lets see, in my driving experience I've driven in a heavy downpour rain storm with broken windshield wipers (we're talking no motor for the mechanism) for about 2 miles, and now I've driven with absolutely no brakes, I have been deviant In my adult life I've learned, sometimes you've got to do what you have to do and live dangerously! I've been an outlaw!

I think I mentioned in my last post that we're looking to be moving back into Manchester. We looked at two places that we can afford, the first one that we saw was near our old apartment, in a crummy neighborhood, and well, the second we saw, which was our first choice, finally got back to us after playing phone tag, though the floor plan is very strange and uncommon, we much prefer the location and some of the extras that we will be getting, washer/dryer hook-ups, basement, fenced in yard to name a few...we also can have a cat, and that lights up Alina's face, and the school they would go to is one of the best in the city! The pros outweigh the cons in so many ways! The papers aren't yet signed and no moolah has been exchanged so it's not totally official yet, but we're getting there! We've filled out an application and were accepted and he'll be getting back to us in a few days. The floor plan is unlikable to many, but we are really going to have to be creative...so on one end of the house (front entrance) the landlord said that room would be a bedroom, no closet there, the next room (all doorways on the left side of the room, with a door) you walk next into what would be another bedroom (two closets) and the next room is the so-called living room with a kitchen in the next room and a bathroom off of the living room, there is no hallway just room to room to room and there's a back door out the kitchen, which isn't even big enough to fit a table, and the cabinet space is very little and speaking of little the stove/oven combo is mini too, however, there's a basement the full length of the apartment. We think we'll be making the front room to the living room, unfortunately peeps would have to walk thru the consecutive bedrooms to get to the bathroom and/or kitchen (or walk into a bedroom at the front door??), see my dilemma? so we're going to have to be creative, I'll say it again, a bad layout. I'm thinking of using 3 panel room dividers to make it work!

After a couple of years we've decided it's time for a move again, closer to our jobs! It was a couple of years deciding against moving but considering it but didn't. We have halted all plans to go to England, it certainly will happen someday but apparently not now! We are moving back to our roots where we started out as a family, Manchester, good old Manch. We looked at an apartment where we'll be saving money, but unfortunately its not at all the best area of town, though all too familiar! Just 4 blocks from where we used to live before we moved to Keene! I want to live in another apartment that we saw an ad for but its been a hit or miss with the landlord, we get talking on the phone, and suddenly he cancels at the last moment. Knowing the location is nice, its quiet, and welcoming, much sweeter than the one we did get a chance to look at I'm quite disappointed. Unfortunately, we want to move pronto since we cannot really afford it in Nashua with the down turn Logan's work has taken! Frustrating as home seeking is, I know we have to do this! I really want the best for us, but some reason it feels like the best is out of my reach and that I'm getting 3rd class even though we are smart, intelligent, and wonderful people! But as most people will say, 'life is what you make of it'. So I'm sad, sad that we are doing so much yet not enough to pass the success of making it to England where a better life would be made if we could just get there! We've never asked for a lot, we just hope to make a living and make that living comfortable.