Tuesday, October 28, 2008

A new job, a new church, my life is changing in a new direction! I am now employed doing homecare through a company that is small that began in NH. I cant tell you much about my client but she's rich and that she is also a "bad word" that rhymes! Heehehee. Old and MEAN! She is why I was hired and right now she isn't too trusting of me. Time will manifest itself once I go there often enough. I started last week so its really too soon to tell.
Our new church is nondenominational and so far we have enjoyed the lessons/sermons. The music is very upbeat and everyone worships God and Jesus in singing praise in their own way but respectfully of those around them. I used to sit in my old church and think how boring it was just sitting and then imagining a more modernized church where people sway and rock out in a church chapel...I used to laugh about my imagined scene especially if old people "rocked out" too! Well my image has come true!! We have a live band singing and old and young people swaying and singing, some swaying with their grandkids in their arms singing the praises, I LOVE IT!! I feel I'm in the right place.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Free to worship as I see fit

I would just like to start out this evening or at the moment you are reading this to know that Logan and I after much study and much thought, prayer and much questions for almost the entire duration of our marriage, have come to the point that we can no longer live as MORMONS and instead live CHRISTIAN. We have been inclined to submit our cancellation of our membership in the Church because we can no longer live in what we have studied is a lie. We have had some problems with some things and no answers that make sense when they try to answer. Logan and I have been in some situations that have made our jaws drop. Experiences of people needing help and who were not members and the help was denied! I thought if we were christians we'd help those in need regardless!! The story goes like this: After church one Sunday, Logan and I were lingering around getting things together and we were one of the last ward members in the building with the Bishop and some other high positioned people who have access to money. A couple came in off the street, had a car that was out of gas and were asking for some money cause they didn't have any with them. They were directed to some of the "higher-ups" and none of them offerd any money cause it was Sunday!! Logan and I at this particular time lived in Keene with a very small income and after we saw these people get turned away cause they needed a hand Logan handed them $20 which was probably all we had for the next couple of days or even the week for that matter!! I mean come on!! It's not about the money it was about what we've always been taught, help your fellow man regardless of what DAY it is! That blew me up! I was upset and Logan was not impressed with how that was handled by the other men but Logan was a man and did what Jesus would have him do. And if Jesus wouldn't have him do it than who would? I'm sorry but turning your back like that is so hypocracy!! That was one example of the start of how some questions of the church came up. Or was it? I remember hating parts of church as a young person. I was, as many, expected to do a lot of memorizing, a lot of "work" to become recognized and if I didn't succeed in that "work" I wouldn't get that special recognition and end up feeling lousy about myself. I wasn't lazy, but I was interested in doing other things. I've found some good things and what those are I'll remember always. Not all my days in the church was all a waste but I have to let go of things that have upset me and some things have hurt me or my dear family and you know if its you if you read this. I have now come to realize some things are not always what you want them to be. And for me, I wanted to know that what I believed was true, but in our study (Logand and I) we found a much different story and the light of my eyes at first dimmed but are now sparkling and I'm feeling relieved....below is an article of how the church is so controlling that I (and my family) HAD to get out of!!
The five controls of Mormonism is something I thought of to try and explain the psychological stranglehold LDS puts on its members. I tried to think of the ways in which LDS exerts control over one's life. Here are a few.

1)Social Control Part of the insidiousness of Mormonism is due to the clannish culture of every ward. Every one is privy to every one else's business. If a member has some transgression he or she is trying to "repent" of, most members will find out through ward gossip or simply notice the offending member is not "partaking of the sacrament." All this serves to promote a climate of fear of humiliation. People are afraid of what other ward members would think of them. This serves to keep all the TrueBelieving Mormons (TBM) in line. The brethren definitely condone this behavior. ( I remember when my mom was dying and it was always 'how's your mom/dad?' or something like that I'd wanna hide and dodge the crowd cause it wasn't their business and if they really wanted to know, why didn't they just call the house and ask???)
2)Time Control LDS controls time by keeping the membership busy at all times. Indeed, time is the enemy. Most TBMs are extremely busy with their callings, home teaching, church meetings, ward activities, and the spare time they are able to spend with their families. This busyness serves to prevent the membership from too much thinking. Members are too busy to question or research the claims of Mormonism. Even if they have a few doubts, they are much too busy to entertain those doubts. Also, everything is an emergency in Mormonism. Commitments must be made NOW. Don't stew on things for too long or Satan might get a hold of you. Don't procrastinate the day of your repentance... You must do it NOW!
(spare time is right! My mom lived at church, I decided not to make it so much my home and kept my distance as much as possible and some callings I've had were all meetings, meetings, meetings!!! not fun.)
3)Emotional Control LDS also exerts emotional control through manipulation. Create a climate of fear and guilt. We can all remember the great guilt heaped upon us by "The Miracle of Forgiveness." This book has done much psychological harm. This is part of what is taught repetitiously to all the membership. OBEDIENCE is the #1 rule of it all. Every GeneralConference, every member will be reminded of how they aren't good enough. Their not doing enough missionary work, their not home teaching, their not reading the scriptures enough, they are not doing well in their callings. This all creates a general level of anxiety... Elohim is never pleased...Remember, the saints were driven from Missouri because they weren't good enough.
(they had me emotionally; there have been some bad days that my depression really was stemmed from how not good of a mom, or wife I am because I listened to the voices that said I won't be blessed or not a good person if I don't "fill in the blank" any of those above! And then to have people come by my house and check up on me AHHHH!)
4)Financial Control Tithing is expounded on in many meetings. The intangible blessings of heaven are promised through paying your 10%. Blessings are the Carrot.The Temple Recommend is the stick. Imagine the pain one will go through not being able to see their child's temple wedding because they didn't pay their 10%. Another way of using the climate of fear to manipulate the membership.
5)Relationship Control The strive to be an "eternal family" is constantly reinforced to the members. If you aren't worthy, you won't be with your family forever. Even after the sealing, members are constantly in fear that they might not be good enough to keep their eternal family together. LDS becomes the middle man in family relationships. This is the insidious nature of LDS. These are a few of the controls that LDS utilizes to its full advantage. These controls contribute to much psychological harm. It can be extremely difficult to make the exit out. The only way to break these controls is to distance yourself as far away from it as possible.

I can't tell you how my life has been...all the anxiety...all the guilt...all the busybodies I cannot stand it! My life cannot go on in the insanity of rushing around doing all that was expected of me AND working full time, 11-7a none the less and try to be awake for visitors or going visiting with people I hardly know or trying to pay tithing when I barely even have enough to give cause what I'm giving is enough for a bill that's been overdue for a month that needs to be paid asap, or whatever, it was fear in my case also with the article as it states....I didn't like feeling controlled or the fact that people really could and did lie about their worthiness to enter inside a temple!
Life has a way, God has a way of leading us. Just like Adam and Eve wasn't supposed to eat from the tree of good and evil, they did, and was it wrong or was it right? And I wonder once you make a covenant, is it made to be broken for the increase of one's soul? God would never lie or give a commandment I couldn't keep so is Mormonisim man made or what? And I have wondered why in all history has there been not one coin, not one artifact or bone found from the Book of Mormon times--even a true map? At Hill Cumorah if there was such that big battle there, why hasn't there been one remains of a body found of that last battle or any other battles?? The internet has helped me to see! I do however believe the Bible has a lot more truth, we have maps of where things happened and they still exist today, we can go there and visit, we can walk where Jesus walked we can enter into its history in a very physical way and many religions also deem those places as Holy Land. So Logan, the Kids and I are on a new journey, study the Bible and live our lives more fully, heck, I like to shop on Sunday, and I'm not going to have some church tell me how to spend my money and maybe I won't go hungry or have another bill overdue
I found a video of a lady who I can relate to on her change and questions from being born into a 4/5 generation mormon family to leaving the church. Like myself, as she states its my heritage, not my beliefs. So if you have read this long post to here, I have not sinned and that is why I'm leaving, but only that Logan and I are fed up with all the dogma surrounding the church and the controlling factors as stated above that have caused even tension in my heart. I still Love Jesus and wish to exemplify Him in my life. Logan and I have found a new non-denominational church to attend which has a beautiful mission statement and is one that will allow us as a family to come closer to Jesus and without fears of being burned if you don't pay tithing...cause there are a lot of good people in the world, do you really think God will save only Mormons in the last days?? I have met some nicer people, more Christian people in my life than some Mormons.

Friday, October 10, 2008

What a DAY!

I'm looking for a new workplace--I no longer desire to be working 11-7am! Hopefully I can find a better place to work. The LTC center I was working in has been one of the worst in the state of NH! They will get theirs one day!!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Fall is here to creep us out

I went for a free tanning session today on an invitation from my sister in law who now works at a tanning salon in Nashua. She showed me around cause I've never done this before and its a new job for her so she needed someone to use to get used to her new job. I only went in for 3 min and already in the first minute or so I felt like I was crisping in my face!! It will take a couple more tanning sessions (if I choose) to get tan. The tanning cream she gave me to use was so gross smelling that reminded me of some medical procedure I had once that made me uneasy...however my mother in law said she loved the smell! To each their own! UCK!

I also want to write about something that Logan did last night with his sister the same one mentioned above. Renee, Logan and Feyd (our nephew 22yrs old) all went out last night to go UFO sightseeing near the Merrimack River near to Hudson. There has been a lot of activity there in the past years. So they went, I stayed home with the kids who were worried about Logan being gone knowing he'd have to walk thru some woods to get to the sightseeing spot but everything was okay. Nothing happend there and Logan told me Renee switched gears and said, that they should go ghost hunting! So they took off to a graveyard about 2 miles from our house at around 8pm where its now dark out. Logan said they pulled into the graveyard far enough in that the cars couldn't be seen from the road in case the cops were out due to curfew of dusk. Logan said he crossed the road to start walking around and immediately saw a darkend figure of a man stand up from his grave and start walking away from him! They just arrived!!! THEN Logan told me how he saw other things as did his sister and nephew. Logan said that there was another dark figure peeking out from behind a gravestone blocking some light that was coming from one of those all night glowing lamps! OMGoodness!!! Logan said his heart was racing and demanded they get out of there, and Renee wanted more and wanted to go further in and already had walked in about 50 yards. Then they also saw a man or woman leaning up against their gravestone! It was enough for Logan and Feyd to make thier hair on their arms stand on end however Renee wanted to go near where the children were buried. Logan didn't like that idea and said "we need to leave now!" practically crapping themselves Feyed was also begging his mom to go and she agreed. Logan and them went for a short trip to a restaurant to calm down after that excitement! Logan came home and mind you it was close to me leaving for work and he told me all of this still tweaking about what he had seen and concluded he'd seen many things in his life and now has seen it all! And was saddend that I now had to leave him to be alone for the night. Sometimes he can be a big baby! He actually did sleep all night without any problems. And I was driving to work imagining the whole thing. I was thinking if I was going to survive work cause I work in long darkend corridors while everyone sleeps. There is minimal lighting along the floors and occassional room lights still on but sometimes one can get scared in my place nonetheless. The nurse's station isn't dark its lit so we can do our paperwork so its not all dark all night. Anyways, Logan now wants me to join in their ghost hunting efforts at night to other cemetaries, I have such an interest but also such reserve! I guess there are a few in southern NH that have had some creepy discoveries/hauntings!!!!