Thursday, October 27, 2011

Courage Does Not Always Roar - Video -

Courage Does Not Always Roar - Video -

In a nutshell, I guess this poem could very well be my mantra with all the very difficult things I have had to get thru not with what I'm dealing with just in recent years but decade-long ago stuff. And here I still stand plugging away day by day.

Friday, October 21, 2011

I have been off this blog for a time, eh? The cancer situation is really carrying on. I mentioned in a blog back in March and April that it would be "over soon" I had no idea what we were in for back then!!! It wasn't until May or June that the Dr mentioned how it would take a Stem-cell/Bone Marrow Transplant to really BANG it OUT!!!! And possibly forever! The summer months were no doubt a very Harrowing time because of the uncertainty of what each day brought. I was involved with working full time, taking care of paperwork that had me in a very anxious vibe, a huge MOVE to the new place that just fell into my lap all at the same time. I was incredibly overwhelmed beyond I could ever imagine! At the same time I was dealing with a daughter who suffered from head lice, weekend after weekend it was a hair-fest of no less than 9hours mulling and nit picking, and that was if I had the workday off, if I was working it was insanity!!! Headlice is nothing I'd ever wish on anyone, the laundry involved, the careful investigation of each and every part of the head..and the girl has enough hair for 3 other people I've been told...even more SPECIAL! I tried home remedies to stop the lice, it did for a bit but I swear her whole school class had it and went untreated while infecting my daughter day and week after week. I was burnt out and that was an understatement! I was an angry mess thru most of that time but not too many people saw that part of me, however everyone knew I had ALOT going on! Yup, I did! I would never suggest anyone to move while someone is terminally ill and in the middle of treatment, however it was a temporary situation for a longterm/lifelong journey! I tried to put a smile on and just get thru the day and stay strong for the family.
So after 5-6weeks of my man being away in the hospital that was over an hour away just ONE WAY, it was incredible that I survived that too! My mother in Law staying in with me at the house to help me with housekeeping, cooking dinner while I was at work and helping Mertz get to either his football practice and one time, to his game that was an hour's drive. That was too easy in a couple of sentances, but living with her! Any daughter-in-law who lives any amount of time with her husband's mom and not actually throw her out, is a queen! I have had the thought because she has a very unusual personality that sways and swings one way or another. One day she's as cool as winter, and then in the next breath, she is barking and squabbling about some minute issue! Her idea of what to get VERY Mad at is not the same as what reason I should get VErY Mad at. Spilled soda. I don't get Angry, just in a hurry to pick it up with...Dog Doo Doo on the rug, I only get very MAD if nobody took the dog out, but if we happen to be gone on a visit for 9hours than nope it isn't the dog's fault. She gets VERY MAD at the craziest things that make me question is she alright upstairs??! I wonder if she is demented or becoming demented. She acts like I never said anything about something that I tried to present what bothers me that she doesn't do, etc. I never saw such an annoying person in her before. Even to the point where even my kids don't want to be around her as much. They just don't like her awful nagging about trivial things. Pretty bad that their only Grandmother is such a pain! So I'm venting because not only am I going thru an experience with my husband that I've never before had to bear, I am also dealing with the changes and dynamics of my home and house. I barely have had much time to be alone with just my family I believe she's been here more than we've been here alone as a family since we've been here. I am sure I'm not the same daughter-in-law that she thought I was. I am pretty laid back and the kids know what is allowed and not allowed and she still has a reason to pick at my kids over things they may do or say that she finds to be offensive. This is my home, please don't push your ever annoying "righteous" crap in. And the killer "Logan having cancer is a blessing...." F- are you kidding me?!! Getting cancer is NOT A BLESSING! Damn anyone who thinks it! Or the other dumb idea that "you got this illness because you did something very bad and that you must be punished! God is testing you!" Another load of BS that some people believe wholeheartedly and it is VERY WRONG to even think such an idea! First God has no control of our lives! FACT. If you sit idle in a car and you wait for GOD to get that car going, you are sadly mistaken. The only one that gets anything for you is you, not GOD, Not Jesus, NOt the Devil. God isn't going to send you anything, a person will. God doesn't teach you anything, you teach yourself and learn for yourself. When I was young I used to believe that God would send me a mate. Nope, that doesn't nor did it happen. I was at the right time actively seeking a mate. And I took the steps to ensure the deal went forth, not God, ME! I'm tired of hearing of how some people say "I'm waiting for God" to do such and such...I used to believe that God would be who I wanted HIM to be, and sadly, I found out that it isn't what I grew up thinking it was! But because of my search, I have found what God is! Wow I am getting off the subject here...I just cannot have the rhetoric my MIL speaks of or the hypocrisy of it all, just stop complaining of things in your religion or get out like I did. I really didn't want to hear from her that "cancer was a blessing" that just sends my skin to unravel all over! Nope it has been what it has been! A LONG ROAD of life INTERRUPTED! The "organs" are no longer playing music, it is quiet, it is lonely, it is not the kind of place I'd ever think I'd stand. Wanting to play the music and going solo is ok but not as exciting as playing the duet! The instruments collect dust and put on the shelf for a time until such a time is possible. Different music for a different time and all the while the music has been even wonderful but has had its atonal moments. The appeggios have been the best of times!

Monday, September 5, 2011

21 Motivational Quotes on Strength -

21 Motivational Quotes on Strength -

***Leah Note***
I honestly needed TO READ this around now. The road I've been met with since December of last year has literally driven me to a very dark and lonely place.

Monday, July 18, 2011

My Anniversary is coming up and I stumbled upon this ever so beautiful poem:
Blessing For Marriage
by James Dillet Freeman

May your marriage bring you all the exquisite excitements a marriage should bring, and may life grant you also patience, tolerance and understanding.

May you always need one another—not so much to fill your emptiness as to help you to know your fullness.

A mountain needs a valley to be complete; the valley does not make the mountain less, but more; so let it be with you and you.

May you need one another, but not out of weakness.

May you want one another, but not out of lack.

May you entice one another, but not compel one another.

May you succeed in all important ways with one another,
and not fail in the little graces.

May you look for things to praise, often say “I love you!”
and take no notice of small faults.

If you have quarrels that push you apart,
may both of you hope to have good sense enough to take the first step back.

May you enter into mystery which is the awareness of one another's presence—No more physical than spiritual, warm and near when you are side by side,

And warm and near when you are in separate rooms or even distance cities.
May you have happiness, and may you find it making one another happy.

May you have love, and may you find it loving one another!

Thank you, God, for Your presence here with us and Your blessing on this marriage.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Hey all this is a picture I took one morning of myself, I can't believe how much I look like someone out of the 40-60's era! I tweaked the soft edges with my edit program, I like it a whole lot!


I just love a good picture! I am no queen, princess or anything like that--pretty down to earth, really with a sense of humor that belongs in the bathroom believe it or not. I still get all silly when I hear the 'sound of ducks', but it actually is a fart...I enjoy people making fun of our everyday embarrassments, usually its funny because its dreadfully true! Laughing at what we may think only happens to us, is something we all experience.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I was on an Instant Message chat with an old friend who is old enough to be my parent, he is a professor at KSC where Logan went to college and met; now our great friend! We all have a great friendship so much so that we asked him and his wife to be the godparents of our kiddos. I had a dream of him and his wife and just for the heck of it,
told him of my dream that seemed like a happy event, someone having a baby...
Normally he's all about saying ferrociously funny things that at times I think he is a complete dork, but when I began telling him of my dream and he went so serious on me. He wanted to know how I got the information and who I had been talking to, but I explained I just went to bed one night and woke with such a dream. He hinted to me that I was "on the right track" but how did I know. He said to me, "You don't know what you're talking about", and "you have no idea what you're saying" and I replied, "I have NO IDEA" and if it was true, nobody has told me a thing, not Logan, not my friend's wife, nobody! He told me and hinted at I was truly onto something but said it would have to be written privately. I wondered if he was kidding me and sometimes he has a few too many drinks and could have lost all real meaning to me in my conversation with him...
This morning he replied, in fact, and embarrassed, his step daughter, a minor, had indeed gotten pregnant, got very sick and bleeding badly and had a miscarriage just a few days ago, which is about the same time I actually had the dream!!!!!
He was really freaked out and now that I know this, I am astonished as well! We don't live close by, I've not seen him or his wife in about a year, but we stay in touch.
He couldn't believe my timing for one, and my dream being the content and of some nature close to what actually happened.
I tried to tell him I have dreams at times that happen and turn into reality. Though, I can't wake up and say, "yup that's going to be real", life just happens and it reveals itself at a later time. Recently I dreamed of myself being in England and it felt so real. Talked to our English friends and they said one evening they were singing "my song". "My song" is putting my first name to a funny jingle and it happened about the same night I went to bed and dreamed it. I don't know how, I'm not studying anything, just feel connected to my state of being more than ever. Call it a talent, but I call it a phenomenon in what sleep is making me aware of real or not. Now if only I could predict the powerball numbers!!

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

So my dad, brothers, sisters, wives, husbands etc. working on losing weight as in the "Biggest Loser" weight loss program, but are doing it all on our own pace. In a fast moving world we live in we are communicating by email on ourselves and our lives. I like it, getting us talking in one form or another. At times I feel as though the notion of, "you're fat because you are stupid, lazy, uneducated, etc" is being put out there, and I don't know if the authors realize, that, that is essentially what is being said between the lines. I agree that some people are truly fat because they are as said above, but I honestly feel, in this family, we know deep within ourselves what is good for us but for whatever the reason, if one, we choose otherwise.
I lack the recipies to incorporate good foods into my meals, when I go shopping I buy what I know on the top of my head, is what it boils down to. I know what I know about cooking because it was learned/ingrained at an early age, and lots of healthy foods were not purchased because of a short shelf life and the high costs! Lack of science that we know now about certain foods. Even these Wine, Coffee, Tea which was taught, because of a belief, not to even press your lips to these "awful" things, but as I've grown researched myself, science is debunking such claims of people who say, that what they say is "law", regardless. BAH!! to me those are some lies which is why I couldn't be fooled by those that claim to be something they are not! But who am I? Oh yah, a fatty!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

The last week is here, Logan is getting the last treatment and will be cured of the disease, how cool is that!? There are two operations left to go about a month from now that rids him from all that remains of the disease. There will be some new adjustments I can be sure of, but I'm not going to let it get in our way. Our journey has been very intense and I don't wish anyone to have to walk in my shoes the way things drummed up. I as fortunate to have a few family members who had my back for all it was worth. Some very dedicated relatives that I was able to rely on helped me in the little things, but to me, little was HUGE! We have had prayers vocied among several different religious denominations during their service in our behalf from those who know us and those who know of us, so grateful of that also. The social network of friends have held me up "virtually" and gave ther kind notes of love, and good energy! Love it! And if I didn't hear from you that's just fine I know we all have busy lives. The visits to Chemo have been like a full time job, in at 8am and there till 4or5pm! We are almost through it, I can't wait for this to get behind us, really! My work has been supporting me the best as they can. I have been on some variable hours and sometimes on call and working on the weekends I should be off, but I work in the people business, it's what I do! So I will update again as things start to close out. You take care of yourself too!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

In the past few months I've been dealing with a whole ton of issues. Many of them quite personal. I'm seriously drained of it all! Automotive breakdowns, child meltdowns, husband's diagnosis of cancer, the list goes on! Work has assured me I won't lose my job over the medical issues of Logan. They gave me a wreching time one night I had to call out and it made me furious!! My boss pulled through for me and actually worked in my place. That had never happened before! As of late, the cancer thing is almost completely behind us and it has been a fight that has changed our lives undoubtedly. I've been depressed but coming out of it, going to the gym, making some goals to get my hunting license, reconnecting with some activities that I have not done in years, namely skiing, next winter. So I'm making some changes and sticking to it. I would love to lose the weight I've gained since having my kids and getting to a happy me! I have been overall happy but I do fall into a demeanor of loneliness and certain sadness and eventually gets everyone else around me down and that's not healthy.
Finding peace in each new moment, meditating, attempting to keep it all together, being aware of my shortcomings and seeking guidance from the Higher Being!