Friday, October 21, 2011

I have been off this blog for a time, eh? The cancer situation is really carrying on. I mentioned in a blog back in March and April that it would be "over soon" I had no idea what we were in for back then!!! It wasn't until May or June that the Dr mentioned how it would take a Stem-cell/Bone Marrow Transplant to really BANG it OUT!!!! And possibly forever! The summer months were no doubt a very Harrowing time because of the uncertainty of what each day brought. I was involved with working full time, taking care of paperwork that had me in a very anxious vibe, a huge MOVE to the new place that just fell into my lap all at the same time. I was incredibly overwhelmed beyond I could ever imagine! At the same time I was dealing with a daughter who suffered from head lice, weekend after weekend it was a hair-fest of no less than 9hours mulling and nit picking, and that was if I had the workday off, if I was working it was insanity!!! Headlice is nothing I'd ever wish on anyone, the laundry involved, the careful investigation of each and every part of the head..and the girl has enough hair for 3 other people I've been told...even more SPECIAL! I tried home remedies to stop the lice, it did for a bit but I swear her whole school class had it and went untreated while infecting my daughter day and week after week. I was burnt out and that was an understatement! I was an angry mess thru most of that time but not too many people saw that part of me, however everyone knew I had ALOT going on! Yup, I did! I would never suggest anyone to move while someone is terminally ill and in the middle of treatment, however it was a temporary situation for a longterm/lifelong journey! I tried to put a smile on and just get thru the day and stay strong for the family.
So after 5-6weeks of my man being away in the hospital that was over an hour away just ONE WAY, it was incredible that I survived that too! My mother in Law staying in with me at the house to help me with housekeeping, cooking dinner while I was at work and helping Mertz get to either his football practice and one time, to his game that was an hour's drive. That was too easy in a couple of sentances, but living with her! Any daughter-in-law who lives any amount of time with her husband's mom and not actually throw her out, is a queen! I have had the thought because she has a very unusual personality that sways and swings one way or another. One day she's as cool as winter, and then in the next breath, she is barking and squabbling about some minute issue! Her idea of what to get VERY Mad at is not the same as what reason I should get VErY Mad at. Spilled soda. I don't get Angry, just in a hurry to pick it up with...Dog Doo Doo on the rug, I only get very MAD if nobody took the dog out, but if we happen to be gone on a visit for 9hours than nope it isn't the dog's fault. She gets VERY MAD at the craziest things that make me question is she alright upstairs??! I wonder if she is demented or becoming demented. She acts like I never said anything about something that I tried to present what bothers me that she doesn't do, etc. I never saw such an annoying person in her before. Even to the point where even my kids don't want to be around her as much. They just don't like her awful nagging about trivial things. Pretty bad that their only Grandmother is such a pain! So I'm venting because not only am I going thru an experience with my husband that I've never before had to bear, I am also dealing with the changes and dynamics of my home and house. I barely have had much time to be alone with just my family I believe she's been here more than we've been here alone as a family since we've been here. I am sure I'm not the same daughter-in-law that she thought I was. I am pretty laid back and the kids know what is allowed and not allowed and she still has a reason to pick at my kids over things they may do or say that she finds to be offensive. This is my home, please don't push your ever annoying "righteous" crap in. And the killer "Logan having cancer is a blessing...." F- are you kidding me?!! Getting cancer is NOT A BLESSING! Damn anyone who thinks it! Or the other dumb idea that "you got this illness because you did something very bad and that you must be punished! God is testing you!" Another load of BS that some people believe wholeheartedly and it is VERY WRONG to even think such an idea! First God has no control of our lives! FACT. If you sit idle in a car and you wait for GOD to get that car going, you are sadly mistaken. The only one that gets anything for you is you, not GOD, Not Jesus, NOt the Devil. God isn't going to send you anything, a person will. God doesn't teach you anything, you teach yourself and learn for yourself. When I was young I used to believe that God would send me a mate. Nope, that doesn't nor did it happen. I was at the right time actively seeking a mate. And I took the steps to ensure the deal went forth, not God, ME! I'm tired of hearing of how some people say "I'm waiting for God" to do such and such...I used to believe that God would be who I wanted HIM to be, and sadly, I found out that it isn't what I grew up thinking it was! But because of my search, I have found what God is! Wow I am getting off the subject here...I just cannot have the rhetoric my MIL speaks of or the hypocrisy of it all, just stop complaining of things in your religion or get out like I did. I really didn't want to hear from her that "cancer was a blessing" that just sends my skin to unravel all over! Nope it has been what it has been! A LONG ROAD of life INTERRUPTED! The "organs" are no longer playing music, it is quiet, it is lonely, it is not the kind of place I'd ever think I'd stand. Wanting to play the music and going solo is ok but not as exciting as playing the duet! The instruments collect dust and put on the shelf for a time until such a time is possible. Different music for a different time and all the while the music has been even wonderful but has had its atonal moments. The appeggios have been the best of times!

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