My van's exhaust pipe desperately needed fixing for a week now it has been a problem making that all too familiar exhaust pipe unfiltered sound! Oh the embarrassment around town and around. It has been frustrating just about every month since we've gotten this van we've had to dump more money into it...first the brakes, then some ignition coil, and today it was the entire exhaust pipe system (cause whomever fixed it the last time welded everything together so if one part fell off it was set up that the whole needed to be fixed!! NICE REallY NICE!! Do I have some other choice words that I must hold back!!) So the past week we've had some real fun with the situation, from scaring the pants off the toll workers, and doing my cat claw scratch in the air with a mean kitty face to a stranger as he's staring at me because the clamor HEHEHE! We even have in Nashua what we call the "Hobbit's Cave" Its just one of the town's hospital's drive thru parking garage you can get from one street to another by going thru two levels of garage and we scared the pants off of whomever was in there at the time with the loud echos of terror and the kids and I and Logan were all busting out laughing as we make the comments like "watch these people pee their pants as we scare them!" "Look at them run away as we approach them with our horrid sounding beast!" Well maybe not exactly these words as it is late and you get the picture; I mean we just made up all kinds of things that just got the kids roaring with laughter! For we only live for such a short time we must always find the good somewhere in our trials, right? Embarrassed as I was, it was funny how I could think of silly things to say as the loud noise poured out of the poor van. I'd step on the gas as hard as I might and the pick up was just terrible, and what a rumble!! I could ride my bike faster in a few seconds than the van could catch! Today it got fixed and no more rumble sound and no more Carbon Dioxide getting into the van....we always find the winners of cars, but somehow things work out in the end cause through it all I've learned that cars are nothing but the means by which to get you from point a to point b and that they don't have to be pretty(I've really always known this since I began driving since I never did have anything fancy). I can still wish of having a deluxe low mileage car that runs for many miles without repairs needed though.

What do I care to tell the world today?! I may have some rants to get off my chest, watch out... my mother in law can't stop criticizing the behavior of the kids... I think she's really going overboard with her comments in front of the kids. Logan and them were out and Logan ran into the store real quick and Mertz stayed in the car with her and Alina, apparently while waiting Mertz unbuckled his seat belt and my mother-in-law told him to buckle up while hanging out in the car park. When Logan came back she was all in a kerfuffle saying how "Mertz is choosing Satan" because he won't buckle up his seat belt when she asked him to several times!! oh dear. Telling my kid that he's "choosing Satan" is sooo out of line!! Logan put his mom in her place and not to implicate that he's choosing Satan--good grief!! I just want to scream! And I love it when she leaves a message on my answering machine and says a 'swear word' under her breath in frustration and when the kids confronted her about it she denies it even when we all heard her! Talk about craziness!!! I hated being Mormon cause of all the impossible=to-keep commandments I call it plainly CONTROL and always feeling guilty and strangely enough she and her adult kids were the not-so-churchy people behind the scenes but to other members they were the good little sheep! I hated watching them live such a double standard and if I didn't sway to their contrary standards I was the 'out' person, so I swayed over I loved them and didn't want to be the all out churchlady- it was about family anyways but with the brainwashing over the years I used to get upset over it and I always felt guilty breaking the sabbath...were we choosing Satan??!! The Mormons would have me believe it! How can the Mormon church preach this stuff, how you shouldn't go anywhere fun on Sundays but the church was all about families?! Confusion for sure! I was not fond of the "keep the sabbath day holy" Lesson for primary when I had to teach it knowing later I'd be going to the market and going to the lake...I just tried to forget about it, and really how many of us have gone out and done an outing against the so-called teachings of God!
NOW I can allow myself to freely go out on Sundays to eat out, go to the grocery store, catch the first day of a sale, do whatever I WANT and not be tied down to what someone else will preach me to do on Sunday or any other day of the week and months and I'm not guilty anymore! I wonder if that's why as once a Mormon we liked General Conference so much or any conference where it was shorter or it didn't matter if we went or not for attendance purposes.... The gift of having free will has gotten me out of an unhealthy cycle month after month, week after week being told whether from the Mormon leaders or my internal voice saying 'your bad you didn't do (or did the unforgivable) such n such' oh the down talk I'd do to myself, beating up myself if I couldn't fulfill my Mormon church related responsibilities that often took me away from much needed sleep(when I worked 3rd shift) or from family. I could barely keep up with my household responsibilities wearing myself thin almost all the time! Or I'd be so depressed with all the down talking I wouldn't have any energy to get things completed around the house. I'm finding that since I've left, I'm not talking down to myself anymore. I'm not choosing Satan, thank you very much as I don't even believe in that! I am laughing and developing a deeper relationship with Logan and the kids and myself, seeking out the greater good within me and those around me-- oh and no longer do I have to internally say "they would make a perfect Mormon...how can I get them to join?" I may be thinking something else like plainly saying, 'that person is so nice!' Our friendship would have no strings attached just great times!

Here's a perfect example of even my feelings but someone wrote this from another site

day, Apr 14, 2009, at 07:53 AM
Post Mission Guilt
Posted By Anonymous
EX-MORMONISM SECTION 21 -Guid- ↑
From the day I left the mission field, until 20 odd years later, I felt guilt.

I always felt my mission was a failure, that if only I had worked hard every minute of every day, if only I had lived a perfect missionary life, if only I was more devoted to the people with whom I served, if only i had prayed harder, If only I had kept every mission rule, if only I was completely at one with every single companion, if only I had baptized more.

If only.

It wasn't until I discovered the authentic history of the Mormon church that I was set free. When I came across the actual verifiable cold facts of Mormon history, the truth set me free. Knowledge lifted a great weight from my mind and heart.

The Cult damaged my happiness for many years.

As a child, i always spent Saturday afternoon in bed, because I wouldn't toe the line at primary. It was a weekly punishment, inflicted on me by a typical Mormon mother who did her best, because she too was a victim of the Cult.

As a missionary and then in my post mission years, I was miserable.

Since leaving the Cult, I've discovered that prayer and meditation continue to produce results, if you want them to. Leaving the Mormon god, or I should say, the godless Mormon Cult, has set me free.

I am happier than I have ever been.

Goodbye to the post mission guilt.

Goodbye to all that shit.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I'm glad spring has officially arrived, this winter with cars has been maddening! One car my Hundai lost heat, took it in to get checked out and it was unplugged somehow. Then a couple days later our other car's heater/blower failed to turn on! Being short on money, we spent the entire winter with no heat in that car, frosted windshield with sunlight took on a frustrating drive and windows down most of the time, and extra blankets for the kids to keep warm! (we can laugh about it now--- it is one of those toughening your character experiences and swallowing your pride) The Hundai crapped out on us not long after the heater was working again, the engine was baaad so I had to give up my cute car. We ended up getting a van a few weeks later through a caring friend and later, the brake lines went last month, and got that fixed, the car with no heat then decided to have no brakes either and so it goes, neither cars were working properly for us last weekend cause now the van has some bucking issues that we took in to get looked at and they fixed an ignition coil but 300 bucks later the same problem is still going...the bucking!!! When will this crap end?? The car's brakes are waiting to be worked on its just that we can't afford it, so the car is sitting.... Our tax return has come and gone to pay for overdue bills... Just when we thought we were caught up, we fall again. But things I guess could be worse! I'm challenged in complex ways to live simply or simply live.