Last weekend we got an offer to rent an apartment in Manchester, a landlord of sorts who we know asked us if we were still interested in moving to Manchester. He's got an apartment 2nd floor and 3 bedrooms and a den!! All for the same price we're paying now--he's chopping off some of the normal price he charges monthly so we can afford to live there! Logan and I looked at it today and really fell in love with the place, it has a nice yard, the kids can have a cat, Logan can teach students in the den and there's plenty of room to spread out my clutter! We have some things we need to look into, but how can we let this offer pass? A decent neighborhood, not sure about the school, but geez I am trying to not let anything in my way, even though there are some obstacles I've got to barrel through that seem so tough right now. We would wait till the school year has finished and then make the move if possible. No definite answer has been given, but we really would love to move. My worry is my back balances with the phone, electric and gas bills that would prevent us from switching over... a bit of a wreck...oh and a car that doesn't have brakes needs to move off this property if we were to move... anything that could be in the way, is in the way, and is making life harder! Hopefully, we can do it, and save money in travel expenses in the long run. Oh darn, I just realized no Market Basket in Manchester, I love that grocery store, things are so cheap there...that is one of the downsides, and the closest Jo-Ann fabrics is in Hooksett, and well there's just somethings I hate about Manchester that I appreciate Nashua for...like the poor timing of stoplights and the angering traffic in Manchester!! Nashua has a really awesome bus system, and Nashua is a great city to live in, voted many times as 'the #1 best place to live' in America!

Pattern success

In my last blog I mentioned that I was going to be selling some items online thru a craft selling site. I can't wait to get the pattern that I've been looking for, geez its been something like 3+ years that I've been seeking out the pattern! I didn't even know what company or maker it was from however I knew what it looked like and I had to get my hands on it somehow! I scoured the internet looking on hundreds if not thousands of doll sites, even asking people if they'd ever seen the sort of thing I was looking for. It is a childhood doll that I still have, and wrote a blog on before about it. I just love this doll and have realized that this is a pretty rare one since I've been looking ALL OVER for the thing. It came out around the time that Cabbage Patch Dolls did and lucky for me this one has since long since been a treasured heirloom for me as it is a piece of work from my mother's hands! I do still have my first Cabbage Patch Dolls and I remember how much I wanted one (OH the drama!) And what my parents did to get me them in time for the biggest time of the year that revolves around toys....CHRISTMAS!!!! I remember that year, and the year and maybe it was one in the same, when I had my 7th or was it my 8th birthday party at Burger King-- and everyone kept it a surprise but Shane...where I received in a box my mom put together this rare one of a kind doll! This week I couldn't believe I stumbled upon an ebay auction where someone was selling some craft books on making clothes for Cabbage Patch Dolls and other similar dolls made at the same period, and low and behold, the first time ever I've seen the same doll of mine on the cover and printed ever so small were the names of the types of dolls on the cover of that craft book! I had to guess which one referred to my soft sculpt doll and there it was, I looked up the name on ebay to see if there was a pattern being sold for it...and the only one in my long 3 year search popped up!! I didn't care, the price for it could have been $500 and I would have had to have gotten it, but it was cheap and I snagged it before anyone else on the internet highway did!!!! I googled the name of these darlings and nothing, no, nothing popped up except the auction I won, there were similar names of the doll but it wasn't the very doll just the same name of other popular store-bought dolls that weren't nearly as cute as mine.
Before I found this gem, I went to the public library this week and took out all sorts of books on soft sculpt dolls and there were some nice patterns and I've learned new things that I didn't know before, and other doll making practices that I may want to get on doing too--polymer clay dolls sound like a whole lot of fun! I've always loved dolls and probably always will and why not get into a hobby that I love so friggin much! So in a few months, I hope to have some of these little cuties up for sale. I've began to make some other cute doll, more country style, I embroidered the faces of two dolls last night and love how those came out...so soon I'll be working on something I've been wanting to really do, with the pattern I really have wanted in the longest time, oh the excitement!!!

Before I got on the computer to write this blog, I expressed to Logan I was going to do the slightly abandoned dirty dishes, catch up on some housework when he was out with the kids, and here I am talking about dolls *smiling*.... He won't have my head or anything as he's not really like that but he'll wonder what I did while he was out and you know, whatever, the housework will always be there no matter if I get it done now or later. As we all know it will get messy again...but to save my marriage (LOL) I better get back to doing some of that before he comes back to find nothing got done...I got sidetracked aka "hog features" on the internet, this is something that doesn't have to do with the normal everyday stuff. Yeah there's other things on my mind but that's for another time, when I'm in such a mood, if I ever get to it!

A truth about Stuffed animals

"Studies state that by playing with many different stuffed toys, the child will be more creative and imaginative by giving each toy a different personality and name. This in turn will help the child develop their social skills and confidence; which does not mean that toys will replace real people but in fact will help the child build confidence when meeting children.
Studies also state that children who play with stuffed and plush toys and those who play with general toys behave differently. Children with stuffed toys are seen to be more empathetic, less agitated and show good behavior to their parents and siblings. They also develop a very positive and confident attitude towards life."

This was found on a craft site that I'm soon to be selling on. Etsy.com
Our kids play most with stuffed animals and just as stated above they name their individual stuffed animals and often when they are getting along they play with them together, its sooo cute to see. They put in such feelings and emotions into their pretend play which is very adorable. Alina and Mertz both enjoy different animals we have more than your average bear. Eagle, cats, dogs, bears, turtles, monkeys, elephants, ewok, horses, boars; just about every kind of animal.

I've been to the Doctor's and following up on my cholesterol levels I'm still in the high numbers. Its frustrating especially knowing that I've made some changes (I thought anyways) to my lifestyle. 1) I don't work 3rd shift 2) I am exercising at the gym (maybe need to get there more often) 3) been trying to watch what I eat and eat less in portions
But alas, it still isn't adding up to lowering my cholesterol. Family history is a bit against me as Dad has had a quad-bypass, and Grandma H. has had similar issues with her heart. So I'm unfortunately going on the same path and I'm really trying to turn it off course! The diet my DR suggested is the Mediterranean Diet and I posted this picture of a pyramid. I also added some garlic pills and cinnamon pills as they are both good in this department of need. Something needs to work. I've taken the fish oil pills and frankly, I think they suck! I really should take up eating fish a few times a week....as I never did like fish/seafood in my childhood, I do feel like I need to grow and expand my food choices if I'm going to get past this health dilemma. I am losing weight in all of this, which has been my goal for a long time.
Logan has reached losing 100lbs. His nutritionist said that he's off the charts compared to others when it comes to the ratio of how much lost in the time frame. This is just going so awesome. So many life changes for Logan, it's been the best thing! A renewal of life and change of the quality of living for all of us!! He's able to do soooo much that has made all of us so happy and certainly a good boost of self-esteem! I can't tell you in words how much it has changed life for us!
The kids are no longer worried for Logan and there have been less panic attacks and less fear all around. That calls for some cheers for sure, and its funny how some things have changed since the changes; I can now see clearly as to why things were the way they were.

My van's exhaust pipe desperately needed fixing for a week now it has been a problem making that all too familiar exhaust pipe unfiltered sound! Oh the embarrassment around town and around. It has been frustrating just about every month since we've gotten this van we've had to dump more money into it...first the brakes, then some ignition coil, and today it was the entire exhaust pipe system (cause whomever fixed it the last time welded everything together so if one part fell off it was set up that the whole needed to be fixed!! NICE REallY NICE!! Do I have some other choice words that I must hold back!!) So the past week we've had some real fun with the situation, from scaring the pants off the toll workers, and doing my cat claw scratch in the air with a mean kitty face to a stranger as he's staring at me because the clamor HEHEHE! We even have in Nashua what we call the "Hobbit's Cave" Its just one of the town's hospital's drive thru parking garage you can get from one street to another by going thru two levels of garage and we scared the pants off of whomever was in there at the time with the loud echos of terror and the kids and I and Logan were all busting out laughing as we make the comments like "watch these people pee their pants as we scare them!" "Look at them run away as we approach them with our horrid sounding beast!" Well maybe not exactly these words as it is late and you get the picture; I mean we just made up all kinds of things that just got the kids roaring with laughter! For we only live for such a short time we must always find the good somewhere in our trials, right? Embarrassed as I was, it was funny how I could think of silly things to say as the loud noise poured out of the poor van. I'd step on the gas as hard as I might and the pick up was just terrible, and what a rumble!! I could ride my bike faster in a few seconds than the van could catch! Today it got fixed and no more rumble sound and no more Carbon Dioxide getting into the van....we always find the winners of cars, but somehow things work out in the end cause through it all I've learned that cars are nothing but the means by which to get you from point a to point b and that they don't have to be pretty(I've really always known this since I began driving since I never did have anything fancy). I can still wish of having a deluxe low mileage car that runs for many miles without repairs needed though.

What do I care to tell the world today?! I may have some rants to get off my chest, watch out... my mother in law can't stop criticizing the behavior of the kids... I think she's really going overboard with her comments in front of the kids. Logan and them were out and Logan ran into the store real quick and Mertz stayed in the car with her and Alina, apparently while waiting Mertz unbuckled his seat belt and my mother-in-law told him to buckle up while hanging out in the car park. When Logan came back she was all in a kerfuffle saying how "Mertz is choosing Satan" because he won't buckle up his seat belt when she asked him to several times!! oh dear. Telling my kid that he's "choosing Satan" is sooo out of line!! Logan put his mom in her place and not to implicate that he's choosing Satan--good grief!! I just want to scream! And I love it when she leaves a message on my answering machine and says a 'swear word' under her breath in frustration and when the kids confronted her about it she denies it even when we all heard her! Talk about craziness!!! I hated being Mormon cause of all the impossible=to-keep commandments I call it plainly CONTROL and always feeling guilty and strangely enough she and her adult kids were the not-so-churchy people behind the scenes but to other members they were the good little sheep! I hated watching them live such a double standard and if I didn't sway to their contrary standards I was the 'out' person, so I swayed over I loved them and didn't want to be the all out churchlady- it was about family anyways but with the brainwashing over the years I used to get upset over it and I always felt guilty breaking the sabbath...were we choosing Satan??!! The Mormons would have me believe it! How can the Mormon church preach this stuff, how you shouldn't go anywhere fun on Sundays but the church was all about families?! Confusion for sure! I was not fond of the "keep the sabbath day holy" Lesson for primary when I had to teach it knowing later I'd be going to the market and going to the lake...I just tried to forget about it, and really how many of us have gone out and done an outing against the so-called teachings of God!
NOW I can allow myself to freely go out on Sundays to eat out, go to the grocery store, catch the first day of a sale, do whatever I WANT and not be tied down to what someone else will preach me to do on Sunday or any other day of the week and months and I'm not guilty anymore! I wonder if that's why as once a Mormon we liked General Conference so much or any conference where it was shorter or it didn't matter if we went or not for attendance purposes.... The gift of having free will has gotten me out of an unhealthy cycle month after month, week after week being told whether from the Mormon leaders or my internal voice saying 'your bad you didn't do (or did the unforgivable) such n such' oh the down talk I'd do to myself, beating up myself if I couldn't fulfill my Mormon church related responsibilities that often took me away from much needed sleep(when I worked 3rd shift) or from family. I could barely keep up with my household responsibilities wearing myself thin almost all the time! Or I'd be so depressed with all the down talking I wouldn't have any energy to get things completed around the house. I'm finding that since I've left, I'm not talking down to myself anymore. I'm not choosing Satan, thank you very much as I don't even believe in that! I am laughing and developing a deeper relationship with Logan and the kids and myself, seeking out the greater good within me and those around me-- oh and no longer do I have to internally say "they would make a perfect Mormon...how can I get them to join?" I may be thinking something else like plainly saying, 'that person is so nice!' Our friendship would have no strings attached just great times!

Here's a perfect example of even my feelings but someone wrote this from another site

day, Apr 14, 2009, at 07:53 AM
Post Mission Guilt
Posted By Anonymous
EX-MORMONISM SECTION 21 -Guid- ↑
From the day I left the mission field, until 20 odd years later, I felt guilt.

I always felt my mission was a failure, that if only I had worked hard every minute of every day, if only I had lived a perfect missionary life, if only I was more devoted to the people with whom I served, if only i had prayed harder, If only I had kept every mission rule, if only I was completely at one with every single companion, if only I had baptized more.

If only.

It wasn't until I discovered the authentic history of the Mormon church that I was set free. When I came across the actual verifiable cold facts of Mormon history, the truth set me free. Knowledge lifted a great weight from my mind and heart.

The Cult damaged my happiness for many years.

As a child, i always spent Saturday afternoon in bed, because I wouldn't toe the line at primary. It was a weekly punishment, inflicted on me by a typical Mormon mother who did her best, because she too was a victim of the Cult.

As a missionary and then in my post mission years, I was miserable.

Since leaving the Cult, I've discovered that prayer and meditation continue to produce results, if you want them to. Leaving the Mormon god, or I should say, the godless Mormon Cult, has set me free.

I am happier than I have ever been.

Goodbye to the post mission guilt.

Goodbye to all that shit.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I'm glad spring has officially arrived, this winter with cars has been maddening! One car my Hundai lost heat, took it in to get checked out and it was unplugged somehow. Then a couple days later our other car's heater/blower failed to turn on! Being short on money, we spent the entire winter with no heat in that car, frosted windshield with sunlight took on a frustrating drive and windows down most of the time, and extra blankets for the kids to keep warm! (we can laugh about it now--- it is one of those toughening your character experiences and swallowing your pride) The Hundai crapped out on us not long after the heater was working again, the engine was baaad so I had to give up my cute car. We ended up getting a van a few weeks later through a caring friend and later, the brake lines went last month, and got that fixed, the car with no heat then decided to have no brakes either and so it goes, neither cars were working properly for us last weekend cause now the van has some bucking issues that we took in to get looked at and they fixed an ignition coil but 300 bucks later the same problem is still going...the bucking!!! When will this crap end?? The car's brakes are waiting to be worked on its just that we can't afford it, so the car is sitting.... Our tax return has come and gone to pay for overdue bills... Just when we thought we were caught up, we fall again. But things I guess could be worse! I'm challenged in complex ways to live simply or simply live.