The latest transaction of thoughts and feelings between Scott and I have resolved into, I hope, an understanding that you will say/write what you will and so will I. I'm not going to be guilt-tripped or pigeon holed into anything. And if you want to talk religion, than I'm going to talk religion too, it wasn't a fight, just a debate of sorts. There are three things people really shouldn't talk about and that's Politics, Religion and finances. I know I blog a lot about the first two subjects and I can, cause I can freely do so. This is a place where I can share, not meant to be a personal attack and if you take it that way, than you really aren't open to new ideas. I blog because I have the freedom to get out in the open with who I am! I share with what I am doing, learning, thinking or whatever here, and I'm not out to please or receive the acceptance of anyone. In fact, it could just be a self-serving thing. I am a woman, no longer "little Lee Lee" here, where I can think for myself and make conclusions, and decisions of what I've studied regardless of what I used to believe. Yes, a fact is the religion I was born into is part of my heritage, I cannot deny that, that is fact, they went to church, they walked with their convictions, but as it turns out, the Mormon religion is not MY beliefs, and most of my heritage is not Mormon based either.
I know everyone has doubts, I did, and I found, for me, the only best thing I could do was to change; to break out boldly into where I felt right. I don't have a problem with Mormons but what I have a problem with is the claim to have all the truth. I'd love to visit the BOM sites from ancient times, I'd love to see a museum of artifacts of say, the tools, the boats, the lost bodies that were seemed to have been killed in all the wars, the shields of the 2000 stripling warriors or the swords, the money that they exchanged, something.... But somehow nobody knows where or how, that's why I found, its just a story. Even the DNA tests are proving that there were no Lamanites or Nephites. However, I know the Egyptians existed with their pyramids, and all that is in the history books, cause they are found, its been left behind and not mysteriously vanished, including the cities and geography. That's part of what one of the videos below talks about. Did anyone wonder of that once before? I have. The truth, how I see it, cannot be left to "the burning feeling in my bosom" as I can feel that same feeling watching a feel-good fictional/non-fiction movie, or listening to some masterpiece of music. I can also feel "the spirit" while reading a Robert Frost poem, or watching a TV program, its a "feeling" not a confirmation based on truth, or facts. When I learned over time to differentiate the difference in my own conscious mind, taking away the "feel good" feeling and look at written facts from the hands of record keepers themselves, it was a moment of truth, an Eureka moment! Just like when I was a child, I believed there was a SANTA, and then looking at the facts that there was no way any human could possibly do what SANTA claims to do in one night, it was a fact I could not ignore that he was just another story, made up, to make us feel good! But, even Santa has an ugly side, all the parents that go into GREAT debt over the holiday or even the kids that receive nothing cause their parents cannot afford to buy even one gift. I have never fell into either category but it happens. And traditions will continue even when it wasn't intended to hurt anyone.
It hurt when I found what I thought to be true all my life was indeed false. It hurt when I thought Joseph Smith only had one wife, Emma, but he in fact had many wives, even as young as 14 and even ones that were already married to other men, he was making it in the bedroom, in "the name of God". He used Christ to get what he wanted and had these people swear that they would obey him as their PROPHET! It hurt when thinking God never changes, he is constant and never waivers, yet things in the Mormon church are always changing, for one example of many; take the priesthood and blacks, it took the church to accept all children to be children of god, no matter the skin color. It hurt when I prayed to find answers in the "words of God" and the more I studied the beginnings in church history (not told in Sunday school classes, mind you) the more I hated to read that I was lied to. It took me years to accept this very real experience even though I wanted the facts to match up in my hard core beliefs. I did what I had to do, what to me was right, even though I thought what I had been doing all along was right, pay tithing, go to church, attend the temple, obey commandments, give of my time..the list goes on and on. But the core facts ate away at me and once I stepped away I realized I was living in a bubble of sorts and I had been wearing the aforementioned, blinders, these were literally fast taking my life away from me. I was at times feeling to hurt myself physically and always beating myself up mentally when I didn't live up to everything, all part of the truth that I found eating away at me, being so called "righteous enough" or doing enough for the church, it was dangerous, I almost could have lost my family over my depression. Now you know why, if you don't ever have to go thru what I did and are still Mormon, God Bless! I had to leave for better or for worse, the experience was both freeing and devastating. I went for professional non-LDS help to sort out some of my problems and realized I am better than who I used to think of myself as. I can enjoy today for what it is and accept myself and love myself. My new self is determined to reach higher and to be at my full potential, always learning, always loving, and always experiencing new things. Life is meant to be lived, no matter the definition of living, mine can be different from yours and that's what make us different and who we are!