I start out with the year 2004 or was it 2003? Maybe the latter. The tradition started that one of our cars would break down on or near Thanksgiving, and the break down was always the last straw that breaks the camel's back for vehicle breaking down and has been put to rest for good! Hmmm... well another vehicle has fallen to that curse! Last night, two days before thanksgiving. several thousand more dollars to get the p.o.s. back on the road but truly it really isn't worth it....already I've been in the hole with this same vehicle with outrageous costs. Why do cars curse me so????? I believe in karma, and it constantly has been a battle with me. For all the good I do, I'm still "paying my dues" the universe is trying me again to see how it can break me, but I'm a strong woman and again I will see this trial through.

New haircut

Angle on my new bangs


30-06 and me...I did get to fire off some ammo on this powerful tool, very nice!!


My 9mm shooting off some rounds

Logan gaining more muscle and losing the 3 letter word, dare I say LOOKING GREAT HUN!!

So this is what I've been up to, my haircut done by my friend, shooting some firearms and getting better at that. I even got to clean my gun after! I usually let Logan do that, but you know, a girl has to learn some time, and in the midst of doing so, almost lost the springs that make the whole thing work! I'll get it right next time. The kids have been taught about firearms and how to handle them or how not to if they see one lying around, we let them see and touch our firearms with some education so that all curiosity is lost. The number one reason why kids accidentally shoot and or kill. The lessons not taught to them by irresponsible folks who do have firearms lying around. Glad I wasn't a victim of that as I almost was one day. I have a great respect for firearms and they are great tools on the line of defense. I have not had a gun only just recently, but have had it for some time and I'm sad to hear in most recent weeks that people are going so crazy that its all it will take to stop them from thier insanity, but guns are saving lives and I hope by owning one that I'll never have to be in a situation where I'd have to use it, but then if I am I'll be prepared and trained enough to have to use it. Knowledge is power, and tools in help with a defense is extremely important especially in these sour times.

I am a sucker for animals. About a week ago I came home from work and running into the road was a black cat and her babies, trying to go where I don't know, but I just about almost hit them. Our neighborhood is crawling with stray cats, so I figured this was one and with her own babies. Sure enough, the mother was defending her brood when I approached with my friendly charm. I fed them some cheese and the next morning it was gone. I told the kids and we went on our own investigation where there are two buildings and a small enclosure where the mother took shelter. I was talking about it with my neighbors and we all got together and one guy got bit and had to get treated since he has diabetes...they called animal control, held 4 kittens after they were caught and the poor kittens (souls) were after a day, sitting very wet and shivering in a small animal carrier wet to the bones. I was furious, the wind was blowing and for the weekend to be left that way?? I couldn't take it! The abuse of leaving them sit in unsanitary conditions. The animal control officer was contacted but didn't come on that Friday, and on Saturday is when I got involved. I told the girl that I'd take them to clean them up. I took one by one out of the carrier and took some liquid soap and gave them a shower in the sink with my loving hands, wrapped in a towel and returned them into my twice the size larger carrier, clean with a clean towel and food and water (also something they didn't have). We lost one of the four, it jumped from the deck off the third floor and fell to it's fate, not death, thank god, but it got away so fast that it probably ran to its mother. So three little kittens about the same age and looked like my two kittens, all black and greenish gray eyes. They were much better after being soaked in their own piss. I made another extension with a storage bin laid on its side and put a small sized litter box to keep the food and feces seperate and clean. That was Saturday, the officer came but the guy downstairs didn't know I was cleaning them, word didn't get to him...oops. Sunday they were safe and I kept them indoors in the cage/bin I set up. They were scared. My kitties smelled their presence and was staying close to us. We went to bed Sunday night, and Monday morning the kittens were GONE! My house is a little unorganized in some spots, but I can find my way thru it, but them kittens hid all too well. It was late morning that I discovered that they were in the woodwork under the cabinets in the kitchen and a bigger hole in the wall that two kittens had crawled in and out of. My Landlord would not be pleased to hear that I had five kitties running around when the limit is 2. I was feeling very helpless, these kittens didn't care if I sprayed water on them, make the sound of the sander blast in the air, or a drill, they were toughing it out. Then in all the frustration of it all, the officer was directed to my apartment to retrieve the kittens and boy did I have news for him! I explained the issue I was facing and he told me I was on my own; we figured we'd starve them out of the walls and woodwork. I left for work in the afternoon and came home and they were out of the woodwork and somewhere in the apartment. I closed the doors to all the rooms that I could. A couple hours later I heard kittens' meows, and it wasn't mine. So I found two in the Den and captured them in the cage and locked them in with some food. In the morning on Tuesday, we found the other kitten in Mertz's room. All three accounted for and I called the animal control guy back to tell him the kittens were caught. Left them out on the stairway and he later came by to take them to the journey that awaits them. Maybe death, maybe another chance somewhere in a shelter. I just loved them even for the short time I had them. They just wanted to be kittens, but I sadly couldn't keep them the way they deserved to be kept. I honestly didn't want to have animal control take them but since the guy downstairs was bit, they had to put them on watch. What I think happened is he grabbed the kitten in such a way that he probably hurt it and it reacted in defense, because I had no issues with them and was plenty careful, wearing medical gloves (while cleaning them) and holding them only by the scruff and slow approach, etc. So it was pretty eventful here to the point where some of us got a bit frustrated, and 'why did I get involved'? I couldn't see the kittens dying on the porch out of hyperthermia... and then when the animal guy came would the people have gotten charged for cruelty? I don't know and I had to do what I had to do for these little souls.

Logan and I have been attending the Episcopal Church. I read that the Pope has welcomed Anglican faith to join in with the Roman Catholic Church to get away from the gays and women priests. And an article stated "During his sermon at St. Peter’s Episcopal Church in Salem yesterday, the Rev. Paul B. Bresnahan said the Catholic Church was essentially offering itself as a “safe refuge for bigotry,’’ and he “must respectfully decline’’ the pope’s invitation.

“This really sends a terrible message to the gay community, as well as to women, which is half the population of the world,’’ he said in a phone interview. “It’s about time we embraced these folks in a kinder, gentler way than we are now.’’ " and then,"Outside Trinity Church in Copley Square, Lindsey Weeramuni of Jamaica Plain questioned the Vatican’s overture, saying that one of the reasons she attends that Episcopalian church is because it is so inclusive.

“If all of God’s children are just that, why are some more deserving of God’s love than others, in the eyes of one particular church?’’ Weeramuni asked." BRAVO!! Having lived under a cult for so long, Episcopalians have got alot of things right. I don't exactly agree with the gay community, but they need to have a belief in something greater than themselves. I however, have a difficult time with the religious aspect of their intents as God intends for a man and a woman to wed, but for me, as long as they aren't pushing that lifestyle in the ceremony/sermon of the church than they are welcome in my eyes. As far as the women priests are concerned, I don't have a problem at all with a woman priest, us women do just a good job as anyone else if not better! HEhEHE
Another argument I see in the case of the quoted article is that I'm a bigot if I go to this church!? O dear! The religious war rages! I'm still a newbie at being a part of this new religious community I've chosen, the path may not end here, but its wayy better than where I've been.
I feel like I've reunited with my spunky 13yr old self these days, for the first time; wrapping my lips around a cigarillo and enjoying a slow, aromatic wonder. Kissing the lips of my husband after he's had a cigar or pipe...his lips tastes sooo good! Having some wine after a chaotic day is something I had never experienced before but now for almost a year, its lovely! I don't drink or have a smoke every night its a bit much if that was the case, nor do I lose myself, but to the point of enjoyment is all that is sufficient. I don't know why I see this as a 13yr old thing, but around that time in my life I was awakened so to speak. I was becoming a woman as early as then, and I felt a change about me never before, and even today, I'm still continually a changed woman and feeling great about who I am and the family that I have created since 12 years ago. I have faced a lot of criticism over the years. And comments like "you have changed" I've been hearing that for a while and I get the feeling that it was for the worse and people felt bad for me, etc. I was changing, sure, who doesn't?? The past hasn't all been a cheery ride and therefore in the defenses of times of hardship, sure, one changes, how can one not?? Change, I hate how Obama cheapend that word, urgh don't get me going! I have chosen to climb out of the box and have been seeing more and doing more and being more and I know there is still room for improvement...So now I'm going to put the post up and have a mudslide--yum!

Yesterday was quite interesting with the kids. A day or so before this, Mertz came to me and matter-of-factual came up to me and said, 'You and Pa ARE Santa cause there's no way Reindeer have a special formula to fly (something we used to tell them) and a big guy can't go around the whole earth in one night.' OKAY, the childhood belief is off! I got Logan in the room and I told Mertz to repeat to him what he said to me; knowing that Alina and Mertz are close and talk about things together, I got everyone in the same room and confirmed what they already knew, (and had known for a while)The kicker was the handwriting on the tags, though I tried my hardest to mask my handwriting all these years! It also was a relief for Logan and I in a way. But we got to talk of all the years of hiding and secrets and all the things Logan and I did for them to surprise them. It was nice to talk about it and get their feelings about it. Neither was upset, it was just confirming what they already knew....smart kids!! Christmas will be different and real! Logan and I said to them, still, 'we believe' and hope that they will still want 'Santa' to sign his name and not share the secret to other little kids, that, I know I can depend on!

Early last week just a couple days after my last post, our newest cat, Sammy somehow got outside! Ususally he greets me when I get home late at work and that night there was not a peep of him. I may have seen him out the window and he stopped when I called his name from our second floor apt. but when I went out to catch the young beast, he was gone in a flash! The kids woke up the next morning to hear the somber news. School was a wash, we spent most of the morning creating small posters of Sammy and walked several blocks around our neighborhood to post them. Still he is gone. On the flip-side we were offered some kittens and unsure if Sammy would resurface again into our lives we accepted two new kitties coming from a friend this time. Two little females all black...just in time for Halloween!! One looks like she'll have longer hair than the other so Alina named her "Poofy" and Mertz named the other one w/ shorter fur, "Moosashi Kitty". Today I found some poop not in the litter box...naughty kitty....! Very playful as are all kittens, one got tangled up today in my couch cover, Alina thought the cat was her 'other shoe' as we were leaving to get me off to work. Well guess what? The little kitten got herself into a pickle!!
Right now Poofy is laying on my back sleeping soundly all curled up...I just love it!
So I dusted off my video camera, that I thought was broken several months ago, as it wasn't focusing as I maneuvered the T-W button to zoom in and out. As I looked at it again, it isn't broken after all and works fine! Imagine that! I am now relieved and can take videos again of the kids and so on, and of our new apartment just hoping Mertz would clean up his room so I can do that!

^so since this post the kittens names have changed; Moosashi is now Jenna (not named after my cousin) Mertz just picked it from somewhere and Poofy is now Sakura which in Japanese means "apple blossom" I don't know which cat it is yet but neither of them are getting good on the kitty litter, one keeps pooping and peeing outside of the litter box I went from a hooded litter box and kept that one standing and now i've got a 3and a half tall box out of cardboard lined with a kitty litter liner and still it isn't curing the issue since I thought it was the height of the hooded box that was the issue but appearently not.....urgh....I want my trained cat back.....Sammy.....

I have been purging so many items of my past that I'm feeling a bit lighter. I had a lot of magazines, some useless awards, an old trophy I found that I recieved as a youngster when I did some great piano stuff. The kids were so amazed that even their mom got a trophy for doing something. They just couldn't believe it! I got rid of so much old stuff that means nothing to me now, and renewed my acquaintance with a few other items. The crap that I carried over the years~~If there was an award I'd be getting one that said 'Best Crap Collector' Usually, I keep tidy but I had to go thru it as my life is changing and doesn't need things from last century that beats me down...I found some cool quotes that I used to keep on...I also found a fortune teller card I once got and it really spoke to me and reading it again for the first time in 20 years really called out again to me!!

Me & My Crazy Wig

I've always wanted a different hairstyle without the visit to the hairdressers and now that its Halloween, a cheap wig with a cheap 80's look never looked so ridiculous on me!!! Better save up for a more realistic wig with a better style! But the truth is, after I purchased this one, I walked around the mall with it on for a half hour with the kids in tow and they were seeing everyone's jaw dropping reaction to my really overly exaggerated hairstyle! :) I'm always in for a good laugh. With the pictures I did my signature Leah crazy attempt to be a goof and or serious poses as I've always wanted to be a model. BAWHAHAHAHA!!!

Halloween video #1
starring our family including the cat
Halloween video #2
starring some relatives and their animal friends

Won't be around long to watch so enjoy it while its up in motion!
Last night we went ghost hunting Logan, myself and his sister and her fiance. I was very nervous. I think Logan's sister likes to be the one who dramatizes the whole experience. I saw and heard nothing but she seemed to be the one drawing in the forces. Somehow I think its all in her head. We did go where it's said to be haunted in Lyndonbough, NH...it was quiet. I felt a bit uneasy about it, though, I would like to see some action.
Frankly, I think it is more creepy walking among the living who look close to death down a long darkened hallway on third shift where I used to work with only a few nightlights on....yes I did...yes I was scared but quite brave doing it night after night!!

Just a quick thought. My work history has always had a pattern almost every where I've worked they have shut down, gone bankrupt. Now I'm in the medical field and with all the government CHANGE its most likely going to affect me!!! What gives?! They are threatening to put unions on all healthcare workers so that it will be easier to make healthcare government run. I just want to scream!!
"How's that CHANGE working out for ya?" love that bumper sticker!
Obama is such a liar and hypocrate and I hope we the people can purge him and all his czars!!

Today was great! Mertz and Alina seem to be well adjusted to the home school life. I must say that not having to rush around and worry about being 'late for school' is so much better on our family. I really hate to admit that my kids were often late (even if it was even one min over)for school 52 times in the entire year! Good Grief!! We were the attendance monitor's worst case ever! I think, in part, is was at times; me going to bed late after work, and Logan is not a morning person, so it was tough getting up so early in the morning. Most people have day jobs and can get to bed at a decent time, but we have it a bit different in our home. I love working at night and having the sunshine in the daytime to enjoy as I wish! But truth be told, I'm not outdoors much. Today, even though I have been feeling ill, just with a head cold or allergies or something, the kids and I after two hours of school, we went for a bike ride around the city to hunt down a book the kids are to read and unfortunately, we came home empty-handed, the library didn't even have it! I had to make a request to get it sent in. We came home with some new material of DVD's the kids can watch in their free time among them was the 'old school cartoon' "Aquaman" and after their schooling was done, they sat and enjoyed the toons!! I am pretty tickled to be around the kids all day, they are being quite obedient and focused that I have no complaints. At home they learn things more efficiently overall, there is less distractions, except for the kitty cat, but no bullies or clowns that make learning almost impossible! Well, I do have to admit my kids ARE clowns, but they are just your average kid who are fortunate to have goofy parents that aren't afraid to laugh at farts, silly jokes, and parody songs we make up for each other--(things banned in schools otherwise) and no laughing "aloud" (that is such a bad pun!!lol) Today Logan had a good laugh with the kids I could hear them all the way from the basement where I do laundry, from the second floor! All the laughing made me smile, and thought, 'what precious moments we are enjoying by homeschooling!!!' As I found out when I returned upstairs, it was a song about me, nothing disrespectful, just plain genius! I then burst out laughing myself! And then the gears gently switch to seriousness after it is apparent things are all good and school returns back in motion. The freedom to teach what my kids are going to learn is so liberating and fantastic outside the set subjects there are other lessons to teach. I'm very excited about it as they are older and as they grow older and understand more about life, how enriching these times feel!! I'm happier and therefore they are happy too!! Was just one of the days where you're glad to be alive and everything is aligned in such a way that I was fully content. It doesn't get better than this! Well, I do hope my sinus pressure and congestion in my head will disappear so I can stop feeling dizzy when I get up or turn my head n such.

New in September

We have a connection at home, yay!!! We have also decided that we are Home Schooling the kids. Believe it when I say, they begged us all summer to be home schooled. After we spent the entire summer contemplating it and all, we have taken on the task once again. I have to say that Logan is a better teacher than I am, I try but I get too nit-picky about things, and Logan is more straightforward and has a better way than I do. We started yesterday and have changed the routine around here, school starts at 9am and we go till about 1, having lunch break and getting outside to the park across the street to run around, or in the yard, whichever, but Mertz likes to get his scooter out and make his rounds around the park on it. Can't do that at school.
Switching subjects; I have gotten in touch with my old childhood friend, Amy after many years of no contact. I have seen a lot of change in her and of course in many ways she's still the same goofball, but as a mother of 3, she has done a lot of growing up; haven't we all? We as a whole, have hit it off! The kids all get along, she has a son, 11 yrs old and two daughters 9 and 8. Logan and Amy also have hit it off which is very cool! We can all hang out together and have an equally nice time. Debbie, her mom, also adores Logan, one of the few of Amy's friends that she likes, so that is a bonus. Amy and kids live at home with her mom so its hard not to run into her mom if and when she's not working. Getting along with the 'mother hen' is indeed essential if we are hanging around. The other good news is that Amy has been wanting to find a church to attend for her and kids to be a part of, and she's made her choice, after attending many churches, she likes the church we go to (St. Andrews Episcopal Church) on the West side. Already she is planning for her kids to be baptized in the near future and has asked Logan and I to be the Godparents! Its special to know she would have us as her kid's godparents. I never would have imagined!

Though I have no internet connection from my home, I have other ways to get on the internet to post my blogs.
I had a great time with the family at the get-together/reunion last weekend. I had a chance to talk to each of the attending adults present, which I don't think that has ever happened! I couldn't believe it! I typically feel left out in most gatherings and may not come across as wanting to chat, which is most incorrect, in fact I like joining in conversations if I do have something to say, or have some knowledge on the subject or whatever.
I will have been married to Logan for 12 years this weekend! How time flies! Having a family like ours is a beautiful creation and a special gift that I treasure and love with all my heart! Logan is such a hilarious, jovial husband who makes me laugh a lot! Mertz is a smart, sharp young boy and is a great friend to all who know him. Alina is full of boldness and tell-it-like-it-is, just like her Pa! I love 'em and forever mine will be!

Nashuatelegraph.com: Obama to return to NH for town meeting

Nashuatelegraph.com: Obama to return to NH for town meeting

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LOVE TO BE THERE----AND WILL HE LISTEN TO OUR VOICES IN THE "NO TO H.C. REFORM"??? I DOUBT IT, BUT LOVE TO BE A PART OF THE TOWN HALL, HEY ITS MY VACATION WEEK. HMMMM!

Some cooking fun

Garden Creatures Pancake Molds, Set of 3 | Williams-Sonoma

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On my wish list, an item that the kids would love!!

SAMMY our CAT

Mertz playing video games

Alina with Amy's kids at the same Pool I once swam in

Alina and Kealeigh her best friend downstairs

Alina proudly on her Bike!
This summer has been going well. I'm working, and the kids are enjoying almost daily trips to the pool only 7min away with a waterslide and lots of fun! I don't miss going to the ocean, okay I guess I do, but it beats sand in my shorts and all the endless sea of bathing suits that I would wish to cover my kids' eyes over!! The kids are enjoying the cat, our neighbors and all the visitors that come by! It has been a joy and not much of a boring summer after all! I'm glad that we get along with the neighbors and their friends cause it sure beats all the negative energy if we didn't get along (as was the case in our old apartment). And of course the kids love the neighbor's cat who comes up to enjoy our company on our porch. We bought our cat a scratch pad with catnip in it and he's not at all crazy for it, but our neighbor's cat comes up and gets crazy with it!
Wednesday night was hanging out and talking of all sorts of things, and having a great time! I thoroughly enjoy having a spot out of the house to sit at and have long conversations and there are no bugs, well, except for a beetle that joined Logan and I the night before the size of the roundness of the larger sized spoon, the thing was huge!!! And it crackled when it flew to the nearest light bulb! It was the largest beetle I have ever seen in my entire life!! The kids were out with us talking of just ordinary things and goings on, but as the conversation got more deeper in nature, it was time for bed for the kids, 11pm is a good time on summer nights for bed! They were off to bed and we were up a few more hours. The great thing about not having to get up in the morning for work....I think I slept in till 9:30am the next morning...I don't remember the last time I slept in so late without waking up any earlier! I was glad the kids weren't impatient with me for breakfast as they figured they could serve themselves a bowl of cereal or even salad (?) as Alina chose! LOL!
I'm glad that Logan may be picking up some more students and keeping ones over into the school year, that started new in the summer. Trying to find 'extra' work outside of teaching has been a very difficult road since everyone else is trying to do the same! Soooo many businesses are cutting back, as it turns out the population of job seekers has been flooding the job hunt and making it almost and very close to impossible to get a full-time job as many are only hiring part-time and even they tell him he's overqualified. Beggars can't be choosers but they are in the case of jobs. So things are tight and are still managing to do some things on the 'wish list' before summer ends. We've been to the Currier Museum of Art, the SEE Center, and I had my yard sale to name just a few; making it almost everyday to Livingson Park has been making all the difference as that is all they want to do, but when it rains we've been keeping them entertained with other adventures! It is disappointing that Logan had to deny his trip to go to England this summer, which would have happened in just about a week from now....we are deeply saddddddd. My vent; One roadblock is and has been our curse. I get so frustrated, here, I have a very talented husband, very intelligent, many love him and his presence and yet we are unable to move in ways where we should be able to. Oh yes, and I'm the "queen" the woman who puts up with all the 'Gabriel Man' stuff. (That, by the way is a very real and intimate joke between us women married to them Gabriel men, its like they are a certain kind of breed) In addition, there is a certain 'kind' and 'patient' woman, a woman with great strength who ultimately reach many levels of courage she never had before being beside a Gabriel, either that or we morph into an ugly beast who didn't know what reared such an ugly head! That is too friggen funny, I love that, hopefully I don't fall into that category!
I have not fully decided but I'm kicking around the idea of getting a tattoo. I love watching the tv show LA Ink. I love Kat who runs the shop, she is so strong-headed and yet so sweet. I am limited to where to get one because of my profession...to be continued...as I won't make any decisions final until summer is over and I've got some extra moolah to play with.

I have come to the blog site to share with you, if interested, some very exciting videos that have enlightened me. I just have to say I love science! I love the new things we can learn each day from it! I remember once, a very long time ago, in an evening before bed, we may have just got done watching a sci-fi Maybe "The Last Starfighter" and the discussion was brought up that outerspace goes on and on forever and what if life is 'all just a dream?' said Dad, and this may have also been said; that we aren't really who and what we think we are. That freaked me out and really warped (not in a bad way, however) my ideas of what reality is in thinking like that....and here it is, life is what we create in a very big sense by way of the ideas brought up in the successive videos all in what we know in quantum Physics. I find this extremely deeply interesting, and that we all have our own perceptions. That was another conversation I remember with Dad too was maybe you don't 'see' some other things around us in the world; in life, the same or even not understand (fill in the blank) and not "see" it physically any part of it, even at all, even when it is right in front of our face! Maybe this will interest you as it does me and start a dialogue of sorts...
What the Bleep do we kNow? Part 1 of Many
"What the bleep do we know: Down the Rabbit Hole (part1)"
"The Reality as you Know it does not exist"
"Tour through reality"

We have moved to Manchester!!! So far, we are loving the 5-10 min commute to our jobs, and being able to bike around town (Mertz suffered a concussion not too long ago on his, but has turned out okay) That was scary, but I took him to the ER got him a CAT scan and everything turned out that he'll recover in no time and he has since it has been about two weeks now. I got to stay home from work and take care of him and it was a much needed break from work. Our apartment is nice, with a few quirks that are on the fix list, but we are most happy with the place, the space as I quote "goes on and on" it is big! I finally got a 5' table to put in my bedroom to use to make things :) The den has become the workout room and the guitar lesson room; so I'm staying clear of it!
We have a wonderful new cat we rescued, he came with his own name, Sammy and he's got a very cool laid-back personality. Last night he got outside, I had been working, don't know exactly who put him out, but he's an indoor cat.... When I came home I socialized on our balcony with our neighbors who live below us, so it was late by the time I realized he was missing, I couldn't sleep till I found him, 1am in the morning I took a small drive to look for him with no luck, I know, I'm crazy, and prayed, looked out the window a few minutes later, and he was walking in the yard, I called out to him and he meowed,as if to say "I know, I'm in trouble" and I went out and swooped him up and brought him inside. I didn't want to lose him! Logan told me b4 I found him, "he's a cat, he'll come home" but I didn't want Sammy to become mushed meat on the road....
Since the sun became known in our region again, HAHAHA we went looking for a place to go swimming, and wow did we discover it with a nice water slide, showering water in the pool itself and water fountians. Livingston Park is the best kept secret from the dirty Mexicans! I hear that many of the nice parks that used to be nice are getting worse by illegals as they leave their trash and behave erratically. I hate to sound racist but I cannot stand people of any color or race that pollute our nice state and the areas within that are to be enjoyed. At Livingston there were decent people there all having a great time, no loud music rumbling in the midst, just nice quiet happy people! Not to mention it is close to home and it is free! We do want to get to a water park or the beach before the season is over and I have other 'want to do' lists. For now, we enjoy the little things like Livingston Park which is close to home.

The latest transaction of thoughts and feelings between Scott and I have resolved into, I hope, an understanding that you will say/write what you will and so will I. I'm not going to be guilt-tripped or pigeon holed into anything. And if you want to talk religion, than I'm going to talk religion too, it wasn't a fight, just a debate of sorts. There are three things people really shouldn't talk about and that's Politics, Religion and finances. I know I blog a lot about the first two subjects and I can, cause I can freely do so. This is a place where I can share, not meant to be a personal attack and if you take it that way, than you really aren't open to new ideas. I blog because I have the freedom to get out in the open with who I am! I share with what I am doing, learning, thinking or whatever here, and I'm not out to please or receive the acceptance of anyone. In fact, it could just be a self-serving thing. I am a woman, no longer "little Lee Lee" here, where I can think for myself and make conclusions, and decisions of what I've studied regardless of what I used to believe. Yes, a fact is the religion I was born into is part of my heritage, I cannot deny that, that is fact, they went to church, they walked with their convictions, but as it turns out, the Mormon religion is not MY beliefs, and most of my heritage is not Mormon based either.
I know everyone has doubts, I did, and I found, for me, the only best thing I could do was to change; to break out boldly into where I felt right. I don't have a problem with Mormons but what I have a problem with is the claim to have all the truth. I'd love to visit the BOM sites from ancient times, I'd love to see a museum of artifacts of say, the tools, the boats, the lost bodies that were seemed to have been killed in all the wars, the shields of the 2000 stripling warriors or the swords, the money that they exchanged, something.... But somehow nobody knows where or how, that's why I found, its just a story. Even the DNA tests are proving that there were no Lamanites or Nephites. However, I know the Egyptians existed with their pyramids, and all that is in the history books, cause they are found, its been left behind and not mysteriously vanished, including the cities and geography. That's part of what one of the videos below talks about. Did anyone wonder of that once before? I have. The truth, how I see it, cannot be left to "the burning feeling in my bosom" as I can feel that same feeling watching a feel-good fictional/non-fiction movie, or listening to some masterpiece of music. I can also feel "the spirit" while reading a Robert Frost poem, or watching a TV program, its a "feeling" not a confirmation based on truth, or facts. When I learned over time to differentiate the difference in my own conscious mind, taking away the "feel good" feeling and look at written facts from the hands of record keepers themselves, it was a moment of truth, an Eureka moment! Just like when I was a child, I believed there was a SANTA, and then looking at the facts that there was no way any human could possibly do what SANTA claims to do in one night, it was a fact I could not ignore that he was just another story, made up, to make us feel good! But, even Santa has an ugly side, all the parents that go into GREAT debt over the holiday or even the kids that receive nothing cause their parents cannot afford to buy even one gift. I have never fell into either category but it happens. And traditions will continue even when it wasn't intended to hurt anyone.
It hurt when I found what I thought to be true all my life was indeed false. It hurt when I thought Joseph Smith only had one wife, Emma, but he in fact had many wives, even as young as 14 and even ones that were already married to other men, he was making it in the bedroom, in "the name of God". He used Christ to get what he wanted and had these people swear that they would obey him as their PROPHET! It hurt when thinking God never changes, he is constant and never waivers, yet things in the Mormon church are always changing, for one example of many; take the priesthood and blacks, it took the church to accept all children to be children of god, no matter the skin color. It hurt when I prayed to find answers in the "words of God" and the more I studied the beginnings in church history (not told in Sunday school classes, mind you) the more I hated to read that I was lied to. It took me years to accept this very real experience even though I wanted the facts to match up in my hard core beliefs. I did what I had to do, what to me was right, even though I thought what I had been doing all along was right, pay tithing, go to church, attend the temple, obey commandments, give of my time..the list goes on and on. But the core facts ate away at me and once I stepped away I realized I was living in a bubble of sorts and I had been wearing the aforementioned, blinders, these were literally fast taking my life away from me. I was at times feeling to hurt myself physically and always beating myself up mentally when I didn't live up to everything, all part of the truth that I found eating away at me, being so called "righteous enough" or doing enough for the church, it was dangerous, I almost could have lost my family over my depression. Now you know why, if you don't ever have to go thru what I did and are still Mormon, God Bless! I had to leave for better or for worse, the experience was both freeing and devastating. I went for professional non-LDS help to sort out some of my problems and realized I am better than who I used to think of myself as. I can enjoy today for what it is and accept myself and love myself. My new self is determined to reach higher and to be at my full potential, always learning, always loving, and always experiencing new things. Life is meant to be lived, no matter the definition of living, mine can be different from yours and that's what make us different and who we are!

A copy of a letter I wrote to my brother, Scott that I really cannot duplicate any further.


I realize many, including you, must feel hurt that my family has left the Mormon religion. Believe me, I know, I've been there, saying much of what you have said in your email, I've been a believer, and I had thought the very same things you've stated and had the testimony of it ALL, at one time or another. So there really isn't anything you are going to tell me that I haven't already heard, that's just the facts. I have, without a doubt, considered all things, I've asked a lot of questions and questioned time and time again many doctorine that just didn't seem to add up in a rational way. And the answers to the questions I had were kept from me my entire 'mormonhood'. I don't feel I need to explain everything because its a personal decision that I can say was one I have no regrets in making. I know, to you, that seems wrong, and at first what I thought I was doing was wrong too. I didn't make such a decision in haste, though to many on the outside, it would seem that way, but it has been a blessed journey and one I can finally say I chose for myself. And I know that probably doesn't make sense to you either, but I only have to answer to God, and proudly, I will, as I am not afraid.
I'm glad you, and everyone feel content where you are I have to respect that and I would expect the same respect likewise. I have realized over time we all have to find what truly makes us happy, and I wasn't all that happy overall, sure there were good times, but often the more I studied the history of the Mormon faith,the more I was fearfully led to another path, but one that makes more sense to me. I tried to get along with myself but it was failing, pretending to believe what I was reading was true, it was difficult.
Logan and I have always overcome a lot of difficult decisions together and this was one of them, by far, the hardest but one we have grown even closer over. Our relationship has deepened and opened many new doors. I understand how much you want me to come back, and again I know that feeling (of wanting someone to come back to the LDS church), and the prayers you wish for me to come back again, but you MUST realize, I have such a freedom to worship how or what I may, so I hope in time you can come to terms with my decision, though shocking, I'm a better person for having left the Mormon faith therefore, knowing what I know, I am never returning! It is over, that's why I decided to denounce my membership so please don't pester me with the doctorine of which I already know about.
I love you, I love all of you, my siblings, my parents, we are family in blood and ancestry and I feel very strong about family and about my life and my life's decisions. I will still be your sister and still respect who you are though my religious views have changed.

Just so you know where I'm coming from, I don't believe that I will be thrown to outer darkness and I don't believe that I will be hanging out in a Celestial glory, Telestial or Terrestrial glory for time and all eternity praising HF or Jesus for eternity all based on 80 years of a short measly lifetime. I don't believe a loving HF would cast me "out" I don't agree that if He loved me he'd make such a hasty judgment over such a small lifetime, I believe that there is more. I believe that my spirit or consciousness has always existed and that I continue to grow in knowledge and that we experience more and more in multiple lifetimes taking on bigger responsibilites, etc. I believe that there is indeed a God and we are all a part of what God is. I don't exactly believe that God is a person, but rather a higher degree of consciousness that is indeed eternal. I also believe that heaven is what we create in our minds rather than what someone tells me it would be like. So if I believe I will see all my past relatives,or pets, than I will see them when I die, and I will exist there until I am content and move on again into another life with the same group of conciousnesses. I don't believe that there is a Satan who works with his angels, however I do believe in the law of opposites and people may choose to do what is unethical or have medical conditions that don't maintain what we consider to be 'good'. I don't think the elderly have Satan growing inside them, as they do come off acting 'evil' but its just a dementia brain problem, to me it's clearer now after studying psychology and being in the medical field. Mom, I don't think had 'satan' live within her, but a form of Bipolar/Post Partum Depression, they just didn't know it then at the time, medicine hadn't had a name for it, and its my personal belif that she was taken in to the institution to be studied on to further their knowledge of what she may of had. So there you have it some of MY convictions!
I didn't expect to write so much or whatever have you but I refuse to be 'felt bad for' I'm increasing my knowledge and doing it in the way it makes me happy and that is my gift and lifeline from God!

Here's a video that says ALOT about why I would never return or accept the Mormon belief system, it was an eye opener for even me who had questions! I was skeptical but my intelligence that God gave me knows that history cannot be so vastly skewed.

Another video that again has much facts that I cannot deny and like these folks, I had to accept that Joseph Smith was a huge con artist and run to a different path

Logan once wrote this to another family member that felt sad about our decision

Once we left we were blessed immensely. We have peace in our home , our jobs are going great , and even Mertz and Alina are so happy we left.
We are so grateful to have found the real Christ and have accepted his saving grace in our lives.
Having actually studied the Mormon history the real one not the Hollywood version that the church portrays you really see that Joseph Smith was a con artist, womanizer and megalomaniac. It's a shame people still consider him a man of God. When you look at all the inaccuracies of the BOM and the outright fallacy of the BOA how can one still "believe"?
Warm fuzzy feelings do not equate to truth. facts do and Mormons can provide no such facts. Paul when teaching the Romans did not tell them to pray about what he was saying for a warm burning in the bosom. He reasoned with them for hours in order to make them understand the truth of the Gospel. God gave us intellect which we are to use. Paul also taught to question everything so that we may find the truth. I guess it's okay to question everything but Mormonism.
I could go on and on point for point and dispute the whole of Mormon doctrine in how it does not match up to Biblical Christianity but what's the point?
I am glad that Mormons have their faith, and if that gives them strength then that is wonderful. Leah and I are very leery about any man who calls himself a prophet yet does nothing to warrant such a title.
We have found the real Jesus Christ and his plan is wonderful and we are so glad to have accepted it. That is our strength and if people feel they need to pray for us then so be it. But, please do not pray that we will come back to the Mormon church because that will never happen. I would never slap Christ in the face like that.

The family member replied: i am a christian and to deny that is showing great ignorance on the part of anyone who says otherwise. for all that you two say, i know the truth and so do you. I'll pray harder for you all. ignorance is bliss...isn't it?
Logan's Reply

No. to say that you are Christian is ignorance on your part. Mormons do not follow Biblical Christianity. And what the do follow out of the Bible has been taken out of context (such as baptism for the dead, which if you bother to actually research Renee it is a pagan practice not Christian). Mormons do not even give full credibility to the Bible saying that we take it to be true if it is translated correctly. Yet they give credence to the Book of Mormon which has been proven time and time again to be a hoax.
By telling me I know the truth you are right I do know the truth. That Jesus is my savior and that through his grace i am saved. Period end of story and that is the gospel he taught in the bible. We are even told that anyone who tries to add or change is a false prophet. I'm sorry Renee but you do not know the truth and I will pray for you and ma that one day you will realize that the Mormon church is wrong. I hope that you will embrace the real Jesus Christ. If you would only research the truth of Mormonism instead of allowing yourself toi be force fed the lies. So I guess you would know if ignorance is bliss because you're living it.
And please do not try with these lame attempts to put a guilt trip on me by saying that I know the truth and all that garbage because it isn't gonna work. I get the ... Read Morefeeling you're trying to convince yourself that it's true. It's too bad you live with such cognitive dissonance. It's true the one thing that pisses Mormons off most is seeing ex-mormons live happy productive lives.
Mormons teach in sunday school that Jesus died for our sins and that through him we are saved. But then you have to go through the temple and that is the last step in being saved. What!!?? where in the Bible does it say that. Plus the temple ceremony is nothing more than the Masonic temple ceremony rehashed. Again do your research and you would see that.
Wow so much to be said regarding the inaccuracies and contradictions. But if you want to believe go ahead but me and my family will be praying hard for you to come to the real Christ and not Joseph Smith fabricated Jesus.

Then I chimed in the conversation:

I didn't wake up one day and all of a sudden say "I quit!" The great lengths I took to stay and keep beliving in the Mormon church, what questions that went unanswered and frustations I had being in it started my personal and very private journey to where I stand today. Nobody knows better than me how many years I've spent working out the kinks and not feeling the kind of joy I have today.

I also have to add to all of this long post something else that has occurred to me. As a young 8 year old, how could I have truly understood the magnitude the agreement and promises that is taken in a Mormon baptism. I barely remember being 8 and if I truly felt inside that I didn't want to be baptized and I do vaguely remember being scared making a hard commitment and knew there was a parent outside the bishop's door who'd 'let me have it' if I chose against being baptized. Even after my son's own baptisim he stated very openly he wished he hadn't been, and was relieved when we got the papers declaring we were no longer Mormons. If one young kid decides that they don't want to be baptized, think of the ostracized reaction they'd get from the flock, can you imagine being in primary and not getting baptized right at that 8th birthday mark? Its just not okay the pressure that is put on such a young one to do something that they really don't have a real choice in doing. Emma & Reuben a.was.k.a. Leah and Logan I think not! I laughed my head off finding out what Logan's 'new name' was and finding out that everyone that same day was 'newly' named the same name...not so sacred after all. And I can say all of this because it's not sacred to me and there is nothing I will hold back. You'd understand if you watch these above videos with an open-mind and hard as the facts may be, I felt horribly scammed by Joseph and his leaders thereafter, its a feeling of 'how silly was I to believe this horseshit?" I was living in shock indeed and have had many intellectual chats with others and have really come out of it all quite elated and I'm not stupid, I'm very smart and I won't be controlled by a cult who makes us swear on our lives not to tell but I think that's a load of crap in hindsight. Other churches think that they are weird to us having been Mormon, but if they saw what the heck we did in temples, and the underwear, they sure would think we were the weirdest! I've told the pastor that I am at ease within their church and no mystery and no question goes unanswered, in fact they encourage deep questions and that they say is a good thing, as opposed to being condemned for questioning doctrine that doesn't seem to add up. My blinders that I wore for most of my life are buried, better yet they should be burned for all time and eternity, make a mental picture, it has been done. I'm fairing out well and am lovin' a new life and meeting up with some great people and old friends and making new ones!

Last weekend we got an offer to rent an apartment in Manchester, a landlord of sorts who we know asked us if we were still interested in moving to Manchester. He's got an apartment 2nd floor and 3 bedrooms and a den!! All for the same price we're paying now--he's chopping off some of the normal price he charges monthly so we can afford to live there! Logan and I looked at it today and really fell in love with the place, it has a nice yard, the kids can have a cat, Logan can teach students in the den and there's plenty of room to spread out my clutter! We have some things we need to look into, but how can we let this offer pass? A decent neighborhood, not sure about the school, but geez I am trying to not let anything in my way, even though there are some obstacles I've got to barrel through that seem so tough right now. We would wait till the school year has finished and then make the move if possible. No definite answer has been given, but we really would love to move. My worry is my back balances with the phone, electric and gas bills that would prevent us from switching over... a bit of a wreck...oh and a car that doesn't have brakes needs to move off this property if we were to move... anything that could be in the way, is in the way, and is making life harder! Hopefully, we can do it, and save money in travel expenses in the long run. Oh darn, I just realized no Market Basket in Manchester, I love that grocery store, things are so cheap there...that is one of the downsides, and the closest Jo-Ann fabrics is in Hooksett, and well there's just somethings I hate about Manchester that I appreciate Nashua for...like the poor timing of stoplights and the angering traffic in Manchester!! Nashua has a really awesome bus system, and Nashua is a great city to live in, voted many times as 'the #1 best place to live' in America!

Pattern success

In my last blog I mentioned that I was going to be selling some items online thru a craft selling site. I can't wait to get the pattern that I've been looking for, geez its been something like 3+ years that I've been seeking out the pattern! I didn't even know what company or maker it was from however I knew what it looked like and I had to get my hands on it somehow! I scoured the internet looking on hundreds if not thousands of doll sites, even asking people if they'd ever seen the sort of thing I was looking for. It is a childhood doll that I still have, and wrote a blog on before about it. I just love this doll and have realized that this is a pretty rare one since I've been looking ALL OVER for the thing. It came out around the time that Cabbage Patch Dolls did and lucky for me this one has since long since been a treasured heirloom for me as it is a piece of work from my mother's hands! I do still have my first Cabbage Patch Dolls and I remember how much I wanted one (OH the drama!) And what my parents did to get me them in time for the biggest time of the year that revolves around toys....CHRISTMAS!!!! I remember that year, and the year and maybe it was one in the same, when I had my 7th or was it my 8th birthday party at Burger King-- and everyone kept it a surprise but Shane...where I received in a box my mom put together this rare one of a kind doll! This week I couldn't believe I stumbled upon an ebay auction where someone was selling some craft books on making clothes for Cabbage Patch Dolls and other similar dolls made at the same period, and low and behold, the first time ever I've seen the same doll of mine on the cover and printed ever so small were the names of the types of dolls on the cover of that craft book! I had to guess which one referred to my soft sculpt doll and there it was, I looked up the name on ebay to see if there was a pattern being sold for it...and the only one in my long 3 year search popped up!! I didn't care, the price for it could have been $500 and I would have had to have gotten it, but it was cheap and I snagged it before anyone else on the internet highway did!!!! I googled the name of these darlings and nothing, no, nothing popped up except the auction I won, there were similar names of the doll but it wasn't the very doll just the same name of other popular store-bought dolls that weren't nearly as cute as mine.
Before I found this gem, I went to the public library this week and took out all sorts of books on soft sculpt dolls and there were some nice patterns and I've learned new things that I didn't know before, and other doll making practices that I may want to get on doing too--polymer clay dolls sound like a whole lot of fun! I've always loved dolls and probably always will and why not get into a hobby that I love so friggin much! So in a few months, I hope to have some of these little cuties up for sale. I've began to make some other cute doll, more country style, I embroidered the faces of two dolls last night and love how those came out...so soon I'll be working on something I've been wanting to really do, with the pattern I really have wanted in the longest time, oh the excitement!!!

Before I got on the computer to write this blog, I expressed to Logan I was going to do the slightly abandoned dirty dishes, catch up on some housework when he was out with the kids, and here I am talking about dolls *smiling*.... He won't have my head or anything as he's not really like that but he'll wonder what I did while he was out and you know, whatever, the housework will always be there no matter if I get it done now or later. As we all know it will get messy again...but to save my marriage (LOL) I better get back to doing some of that before he comes back to find nothing got done...I got sidetracked aka "hog features" on the internet, this is something that doesn't have to do with the normal everyday stuff. Yeah there's other things on my mind but that's for another time, when I'm in such a mood, if I ever get to it!

A truth about Stuffed animals

"Studies state that by playing with many different stuffed toys, the child will be more creative and imaginative by giving each toy a different personality and name. This in turn will help the child develop their social skills and confidence; which does not mean that toys will replace real people but in fact will help the child build confidence when meeting children.
Studies also state that children who play with stuffed and plush toys and those who play with general toys behave differently. Children with stuffed toys are seen to be more empathetic, less agitated and show good behavior to their parents and siblings. They also develop a very positive and confident attitude towards life."

This was found on a craft site that I'm soon to be selling on. Etsy.com
Our kids play most with stuffed animals and just as stated above they name their individual stuffed animals and often when they are getting along they play with them together, its sooo cute to see. They put in such feelings and emotions into their pretend play which is very adorable. Alina and Mertz both enjoy different animals we have more than your average bear. Eagle, cats, dogs, bears, turtles, monkeys, elephants, ewok, horses, boars; just about every kind of animal.

I've been to the Doctor's and following up on my cholesterol levels I'm still in the high numbers. Its frustrating especially knowing that I've made some changes (I thought anyways) to my lifestyle. 1) I don't work 3rd shift 2) I am exercising at the gym (maybe need to get there more often) 3) been trying to watch what I eat and eat less in portions
But alas, it still isn't adding up to lowering my cholesterol. Family history is a bit against me as Dad has had a quad-bypass, and Grandma H. has had similar issues with her heart. So I'm unfortunately going on the same path and I'm really trying to turn it off course! The diet my DR suggested is the Mediterranean Diet and I posted this picture of a pyramid. I also added some garlic pills and cinnamon pills as they are both good in this department of need. Something needs to work. I've taken the fish oil pills and frankly, I think they suck! I really should take up eating fish a few times a week....as I never did like fish/seafood in my childhood, I do feel like I need to grow and expand my food choices if I'm going to get past this health dilemma. I am losing weight in all of this, which has been my goal for a long time.
Logan has reached losing 100lbs. His nutritionist said that he's off the charts compared to others when it comes to the ratio of how much lost in the time frame. This is just going so awesome. So many life changes for Logan, it's been the best thing! A renewal of life and change of the quality of living for all of us!! He's able to do soooo much that has made all of us so happy and certainly a good boost of self-esteem! I can't tell you in words how much it has changed life for us!
The kids are no longer worried for Logan and there have been less panic attacks and less fear all around. That calls for some cheers for sure, and its funny how some things have changed since the changes; I can now see clearly as to why things were the way they were.

My van's exhaust pipe desperately needed fixing for a week now it has been a problem making that all too familiar exhaust pipe unfiltered sound! Oh the embarrassment around town and around. It has been frustrating just about every month since we've gotten this van we've had to dump more money into it...first the brakes, then some ignition coil, and today it was the entire exhaust pipe system (cause whomever fixed it the last time welded everything together so if one part fell off it was set up that the whole needed to be fixed!! NICE REallY NICE!! Do I have some other choice words that I must hold back!!) So the past week we've had some real fun with the situation, from scaring the pants off the toll workers, and doing my cat claw scratch in the air with a mean kitty face to a stranger as he's staring at me because the clamor HEHEHE! We even have in Nashua what we call the "Hobbit's Cave" Its just one of the town's hospital's drive thru parking garage you can get from one street to another by going thru two levels of garage and we scared the pants off of whomever was in there at the time with the loud echos of terror and the kids and I and Logan were all busting out laughing as we make the comments like "watch these people pee their pants as we scare them!" "Look at them run away as we approach them with our horrid sounding beast!" Well maybe not exactly these words as it is late and you get the picture; I mean we just made up all kinds of things that just got the kids roaring with laughter! For we only live for such a short time we must always find the good somewhere in our trials, right? Embarrassed as I was, it was funny how I could think of silly things to say as the loud noise poured out of the poor van. I'd step on the gas as hard as I might and the pick up was just terrible, and what a rumble!! I could ride my bike faster in a few seconds than the van could catch! Today it got fixed and no more rumble sound and no more Carbon Dioxide getting into the van....we always find the winners of cars, but somehow things work out in the end cause through it all I've learned that cars are nothing but the means by which to get you from point a to point b and that they don't have to be pretty(I've really always known this since I began driving since I never did have anything fancy). I can still wish of having a deluxe low mileage car that runs for many miles without repairs needed though.

What do I care to tell the world today?! I may have some rants to get off my chest, watch out... my mother in law can't stop criticizing the behavior of the kids... I think she's really going overboard with her comments in front of the kids. Logan and them were out and Logan ran into the store real quick and Mertz stayed in the car with her and Alina, apparently while waiting Mertz unbuckled his seat belt and my mother-in-law told him to buckle up while hanging out in the car park. When Logan came back she was all in a kerfuffle saying how "Mertz is choosing Satan" because he won't buckle up his seat belt when she asked him to several times!! oh dear. Telling my kid that he's "choosing Satan" is sooo out of line!! Logan put his mom in her place and not to implicate that he's choosing Satan--good grief!! I just want to scream! And I love it when she leaves a message on my answering machine and says a 'swear word' under her breath in frustration and when the kids confronted her about it she denies it even when we all heard her! Talk about craziness!!! I hated being Mormon cause of all the impossible=to-keep commandments I call it plainly CONTROL and always feeling guilty and strangely enough she and her adult kids were the not-so-churchy people behind the scenes but to other members they were the good little sheep! I hated watching them live such a double standard and if I didn't sway to their contrary standards I was the 'out' person, so I swayed over I loved them and didn't want to be the all out churchlady- it was about family anyways but with the brainwashing over the years I used to get upset over it and I always felt guilty breaking the sabbath...were we choosing Satan??!! The Mormons would have me believe it! How can the Mormon church preach this stuff, how you shouldn't go anywhere fun on Sundays but the church was all about families?! Confusion for sure! I was not fond of the "keep the sabbath day holy" Lesson for primary when I had to teach it knowing later I'd be going to the market and going to the lake...I just tried to forget about it, and really how many of us have gone out and done an outing against the so-called teachings of God!
NOW I can allow myself to freely go out on Sundays to eat out, go to the grocery store, catch the first day of a sale, do whatever I WANT and not be tied down to what someone else will preach me to do on Sunday or any other day of the week and months and I'm not guilty anymore! I wonder if that's why as once a Mormon we liked General Conference so much or any conference where it was shorter or it didn't matter if we went or not for attendance purposes.... The gift of having free will has gotten me out of an unhealthy cycle month after month, week after week being told whether from the Mormon leaders or my internal voice saying 'your bad you didn't do (or did the unforgivable) such n such' oh the down talk I'd do to myself, beating up myself if I couldn't fulfill my Mormon church related responsibilities that often took me away from much needed sleep(when I worked 3rd shift) or from family. I could barely keep up with my household responsibilities wearing myself thin almost all the time! Or I'd be so depressed with all the down talking I wouldn't have any energy to get things completed around the house. I'm finding that since I've left, I'm not talking down to myself anymore. I'm not choosing Satan, thank you very much as I don't even believe in that! I am laughing and developing a deeper relationship with Logan and the kids and myself, seeking out the greater good within me and those around me-- oh and no longer do I have to internally say "they would make a perfect Mormon...how can I get them to join?" I may be thinking something else like plainly saying, 'that person is so nice!' Our friendship would have no strings attached just great times!

Here's a perfect example of even my feelings but someone wrote this from another site

day, Apr 14, 2009, at 07:53 AM
Post Mission Guilt
Posted By Anonymous
EX-MORMONISM SECTION 21 -Guid- ↑
From the day I left the mission field, until 20 odd years later, I felt guilt.

I always felt my mission was a failure, that if only I had worked hard every minute of every day, if only I had lived a perfect missionary life, if only I was more devoted to the people with whom I served, if only i had prayed harder, If only I had kept every mission rule, if only I was completely at one with every single companion, if only I had baptized more.

If only.

It wasn't until I discovered the authentic history of the Mormon church that I was set free. When I came across the actual verifiable cold facts of Mormon history, the truth set me free. Knowledge lifted a great weight from my mind and heart.

The Cult damaged my happiness for many years.

As a child, i always spent Saturday afternoon in bed, because I wouldn't toe the line at primary. It was a weekly punishment, inflicted on me by a typical Mormon mother who did her best, because she too was a victim of the Cult.

As a missionary and then in my post mission years, I was miserable.

Since leaving the Cult, I've discovered that prayer and meditation continue to produce results, if you want them to. Leaving the Mormon god, or I should say, the godless Mormon Cult, has set me free.

I am happier than I have ever been.

Goodbye to the post mission guilt.

Goodbye to all that shit.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

I'm glad spring has officially arrived, this winter with cars has been maddening! One car my Hundai lost heat, took it in to get checked out and it was unplugged somehow. Then a couple days later our other car's heater/blower failed to turn on! Being short on money, we spent the entire winter with no heat in that car, frosted windshield with sunlight took on a frustrating drive and windows down most of the time, and extra blankets for the kids to keep warm! (we can laugh about it now--- it is one of those toughening your character experiences and swallowing your pride) The Hundai crapped out on us not long after the heater was working again, the engine was baaad so I had to give up my cute car. We ended up getting a van a few weeks later through a caring friend and later, the brake lines went last month, and got that fixed, the car with no heat then decided to have no brakes either and so it goes, neither cars were working properly for us last weekend cause now the van has some bucking issues that we took in to get looked at and they fixed an ignition coil but 300 bucks later the same problem is still going...the bucking!!! When will this crap end?? The car's brakes are waiting to be worked on its just that we can't afford it, so the car is sitting.... Our tax return has come and gone to pay for overdue bills... Just when we thought we were caught up, we fall again. But things I guess could be worse! I'm challenged in complex ways to live simply or simply live.

This Video
and series of videos has been on my mind and this is as serious as a heart attack I feel we have to somehow as Americans have to WAKE UP and GET INVOLVED cause otherwise have extinction to what we are familiar with and what we know to be America. I believe in :live free or die: and am so enlightened by this video I had to share it to help educate anyone that I can!

I just finished a nice grilled ham and cheese sandwich, how luscious and some crunchy carrots on the side. While I'm still going to the gym, I've lost only a few pounds. I think I need to pay more attention to the foods that I'm eating. Lately I've been eating out just to save me time, but if I planned out my day a bit better, I may have not have ate McD's or Taco bell or D'Angelo's or Pappy's Pizza. I'm a lover of the chicken, spinach, and Feta cheese calzone! I need to make some of that in my own kitchen! I'm also listening to some great music, its not mainstream, but its for meditation, and can even make for an at home great romantic dinner music. It has the quieting of the mind appeal which helps me to think "calm" in this worry-filled mind of mine;
"Only Reflection" by Aeoliah
"Loving Touch" "Waves of Light" "Journey into Light" by Deuter
I listen and find them on Playlist.com where I can look them up and make a playlist and play the songs off the computer which is free to all (I even have great 80's songs on another playlist collection, so whatever mood I'm in I pick it and play) and it plays in my living room and ...Oh no, I just realized I left something in the oven for too long!!! I have just rescued my garlic bread, a bit crunchy...but not burnt! Anyways, my relaxing music shuts out the world and lets me focus on what is. I feel lifted and renewed, even now as I'm listening to it. I feel like a little nap right now, on my only day off for about 5 days!

After having a ridiculous conversation with a landlord to be, we're now unsure if we're going to be moving after all! These guys that we've been dealing with expect that without a move-in date that we're going to shut down our utilities in our current place before we move to the new apartment! And that 'it can take a week' to change over! I guess they think we are so new to this...and we say, no way, not so fast! Like I mentioned before we've yet to sign any papers, and until we do, nothing is final and nothing going to be transferred, such as the utilities, they can go pound sand! URGHH, the nerve of these guys! AND they are still listing the property even after they told us we've got it?! And if I search the address there's about 20 postings over a couple weeks time and the price of it varies between 50-60 dollars, so what's the rent anyways, they keep changing it! I feel like we're being scammed with these guys, things are just not normal, usually once the landlord says 'we'll take you' they give a move in date or ask when we'd like to move in, we sign papers and we go on our merry way to move...these guys say, 'you have the place, we need some copies of your pay stubs and driver's licenses and we'll get back to you in a couple of days' I mean what is that?? I just want to get on with the move if its going to happen, if not, than its back to looking again or we just stay put in Nashua.
Other than that life is always surprising us, or is it? I seem to know when something bad is going to happen, and the brakes on our van went completely the snowstorm before last, and I dangerously drove home on the e brake, the weather was a big help since not too many people were on the road at 11:30 at night and I slid 'cause it was snowing' yeah right, actually, my brakes were down to nothing, and that's just the truth, I put my foot all the way down to the floor and there's no brakes and the van still going, it was a miracle I got home surviving...there were a couple intersections I had to maneuver my good driving skills to stop even the E brake was having a difficult time! I am a tough cookie, lets see, in my driving experience I've driven in a heavy downpour rain storm with broken windshield wipers (we're talking no motor for the mechanism) for about 2 miles, and now I've driven with absolutely no brakes, I have been deviant In my adult life I've learned, sometimes you've got to do what you have to do and live dangerously! I've been an outlaw!

I think I mentioned in my last post that we're looking to be moving back into Manchester. We looked at two places that we can afford, the first one that we saw was near our old apartment, in a crummy neighborhood, and well, the second we saw, which was our first choice, finally got back to us after playing phone tag, though the floor plan is very strange and uncommon, we much prefer the location and some of the extras that we will be getting, washer/dryer hook-ups, basement, fenced in yard to name a few...we also can have a cat, and that lights up Alina's face, and the school they would go to is one of the best in the city! The pros outweigh the cons in so many ways! The papers aren't yet signed and no moolah has been exchanged so it's not totally official yet, but we're getting there! We've filled out an application and were accepted and he'll be getting back to us in a few days. The floor plan is unlikable to many, but we are really going to have to be creative...so on one end of the house (front entrance) the landlord said that room would be a bedroom, no closet there, the next room (all doorways on the left side of the room, with a door) you walk next into what would be another bedroom (two closets) and the next room is the so-called living room with a kitchen in the next room and a bathroom off of the living room, there is no hallway just room to room to room and there's a back door out the kitchen, which isn't even big enough to fit a table, and the cabinet space is very little and speaking of little the stove/oven combo is mini too, however, there's a basement the full length of the apartment. We think we'll be making the front room to the living room, unfortunately peeps would have to walk thru the consecutive bedrooms to get to the bathroom and/or kitchen (or walk into a bedroom at the front door??), see my dilemma? so we're going to have to be creative, I'll say it again, a bad layout. I'm thinking of using 3 panel room dividers to make it work!

After a couple of years we've decided it's time for a move again, closer to our jobs! It was a couple of years deciding against moving but considering it but didn't. We have halted all plans to go to England, it certainly will happen someday but apparently not now! We are moving back to our roots where we started out as a family, Manchester, good old Manch. We looked at an apartment where we'll be saving money, but unfortunately its not at all the best area of town, though all too familiar! Just 4 blocks from where we used to live before we moved to Keene! I want to live in another apartment that we saw an ad for but its been a hit or miss with the landlord, we get talking on the phone, and suddenly he cancels at the last moment. Knowing the location is nice, its quiet, and welcoming, much sweeter than the one we did get a chance to look at I'm quite disappointed. Unfortunately, we want to move pronto since we cannot really afford it in Nashua with the down turn Logan's work has taken! Frustrating as home seeking is, I know we have to do this! I really want the best for us, but some reason it feels like the best is out of my reach and that I'm getting 3rd class even though we are smart, intelligent, and wonderful people! But as most people will say, 'life is what you make of it'. So I'm sad, sad that we are doing so much yet not enough to pass the success of making it to England where a better life would be made if we could just get there! We've never asked for a lot, we just hope to make a living and make that living comfortable.

Studying the Earth and History

So some books I've been introduced to reading about Earth/world history that's totally not mainstream, more like alternative history backed with factual info that is fascinating! One ginormous book is called "The Secret Teachings of All Ages" by Manly P Hall which is "an encyclopedic outline of Masonic, Hermetic, Qabbalistic and Rosicrucian symbolical philosophy being an interpretation of the secret teachings concealed within the ritual, allegories and mysteries of all ages" this book is huge in size and has very small print, some things I'm so blown away by, information that is deep and vast, this could take a lifetime to study all of its contents! From time to time, I get reading some and let it absorb me!
Another book I have begun to read is the "Lost Secrets of the Sacred Ark" by Laurence Gardner, so far it is shedding light on things in the bible that I'd not thought too much about that have been studied and researched in depth by the author and is quite enlightening even on a scientific level!
Okay you thought I was done with the book listings, nope, think again! I have begun reading "The End of Eden-The Comet that Changed Civilization" by Graham Phillips, again another book that explains a few wonders of the world such as Stonehenge to be specific, things that we never learned in school or church!
As you all know, I have changed out from the Mormon beliefs and really stretched my mind wide open for what else I'm to learn! Just to set the record, I still do respect you (though I differ to agree with the doctrine); you are who you are and in that, it makes YoU happy, and I hope for me, between us, things won't change much. In fact, I hope we can get together more since I am not strapped to any meetings, wow, what a relief in that alone! I hope that in time you can understand even though I may have a different path I walk I am LOVING, CARING and GRACIOUS and thankful each day for all the less traveled roads that have led me here, and I love life! I love you!

The Bell

Last night I was reading a spiritual book. I was brought to a fullness of emotion so much so that I was weeping so beautiful in its nature. All alone in complete silence by choice, in a large house. The woman I was caring for was sleeping in a room upstairs. I was so absorbed in the book and very clearly a single bell sounded from another room. I believe it came from the very old Grandfather clock that sits quietly and never has it worked or shown signs of working. I tried not to feel scared instead I was trying to keep focused on the moment and not be influenced by what I've seen on TV when such things happen unexplained. I wanted to ask for it to make the noise again, but I couldn't muster up the courage, after all, I was all alone! On the digital clock closest to me it read 9pm when it happened. Whatever it was, I don't really know, another entity of some kind letting me know they were present.... I then turned to write about my experience. I was excited to tell Logan and now I'm sharing it! I have had a handful of experiences like this, it used to be a doll would fall off my headboard (more than once) when I mentioned mom, way back when I still lived at home b/4 I was married, and now this. I regard it as something friendly and positive!

*UPDATE* I found out finally what the bell really was, the dryer in the basement, and it really doesn't sound like a bell I'd hear coming from a dryer!! LOL!! And it doesn't always go off when running the dryer, strange huh?

Our pets

Mertz got a fish tank for Christmas and in the following day or two later after setting up the tank, we then picked out the fish. We started out with two types of tropical fish of two of the same kind so that made 4 and then about a week later we got two black "cat fish". Right now they are all getting along. The two catfish swim upside down most of the time, which keeps us laughing! Sometimes they chase each other causing quite the excitement they absolutely haul! These tropical fish are like none than I ever had; they are much more animated and swim or they stay put in the same spot, how they do that I don't know. Another funny aspect of the catfish is we have this odd "conversational" piece in the middle that is a building and over the doorway it reads "The Church of Living Waters"--we got it at a yankee swap 2007--it was a hilarious gift! And now its being put to use as it was intended. The church is surrounded by the fake plants and the catfish either love to hang out inside the church or along its walls or they lounge around in the plant as if sleeping close to the tank floor with their tail and fins resting on the leaves, again unlike any fish I've ever owned, but they are Mertz's fish anyway, but they are all so fun to watch! We make funny jokes like the catfish are some black baptists, the other fish aren't as interested into going inside, occasionally they will they aren't as adventurous as the catfish!